Okay, I feel really bad. On opening day, I told everyone why they should hate the L.A. Lakers. It appears that many people read it, agreed with my rationale and began to hate the Lakers, because out of nowhere the Lakers completely stink and the only explanation, given the team's talented roster, is the hefty weight of universal dislike. A bad loss to the Jazz on Wednesday leaves L.A. with a 1-4 record, dead last in the Western Conference. Not just the Pacific Division. The entire Western Conference. And the team L.A. beat -- the Pistons -- is the only winless team in the entire league.
I feel bad about this. Really bad. So bad that I think we should all come together and relieve the Lakers of this nightmare, with our positive energy and constructive, can-do assistance. Let's fix the Lakers!
To start the conversation, here are 15 things I think L.A. could do to flip the ol' script.
1. Lobby the NBA to play the Detroit Pistons for the next 77 games. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGH
2. Acquire time machine, go back to last week and prevent Steve Nash from fracturing his leg. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGH
3. Sell the team to Magic Johnson and some other rich dudes, buy many more players and challenge for the NL West. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: LOW
4. Hire Mitt Romney to turn the business around, which may result in Metta World Peace's job getting shipped to China, Steve Blake and Chris Duhon getting laid off and a managed bankruptcy for Pau Gasol's medical practice, but whatever, Kobe and Mitt will makes lot of money! SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: DON'T ASK DICK MORRIS OR KARL ROVE IS ALL I KNOW
5. Abandon the Triangle offense. Triangles only have three points! There are five players on a basketball team! What a waste of two players! Install the Pentagram offense, which is a perfect fit with Kobe. Key playset: Jordan Hill burns incense on the left block, Antawn Jamison gazes at his shoes at the right elbow extended and Kobe acts completely normal. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: <
6. Buy the NBA and fix all of the games. The McMahon family has proven that you cannot buy an election, but that you can totally script a sport that you own. With that Time Warner Cable deal, the Busses have to be able to attract the right investors to just buy the whole NBA in a hostile takeover. Heel turn by Chris Paul! Flying elbow from Mike Brown! SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGH
7. Stay the course, work hard, take things one game at a time. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: EXTREMELY LOW
8. Fire Mike Brown, install Metta World Peace as player-coach. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HILARIOUS
9. Fire Mike Brown, hire Phil Jackson, convince him by naming Jeanie Buss the High Ruler of Lakerdom and also by paying him Kobe money. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGH
10. Fire Mike Brown, hire Dr. Phil, take ownership of their situation(s). SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGHLY ANNOYING
11. Fire Mike Brown, hire Phil Dunphy, invite magicians and trapeze artists to halftime of every home game. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: COWBOY SKILLS
12. Quit the NBA, barnstorm like the Harlem Globetrotters, sue the NBA if they list your record as 1-81 due to forfeits. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: HIGH
13. Play Jodie Meeks and Kobe together in the backcourt more often, bring Pau away from the basket, feed Dwight and trust your shooters. On the other end, stop gambling for steals so often and trust that Dwight can be an elite backstop again. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: MEH
14. Just let Kobe go into hero mode from the tip. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: WHY NOT?
15. How long is Steve Nash out again? You know, maybe y'all should just sign Smush Parker again. SUCCESS LIKELIHOOD: #TROLLHARD
The Hook is a daily NBA column by Tom Ziller. See the archives.