The Week in Worst: Butts and bonus meat

Look at what is happening and realize this play didn't make the list - Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

This is the first edition of the Week in Worst that features male nudity. You've been warned.

Slowly, methodically, we continue to work our way through the muscle of the 2012 NFL season and are nearly at the end. We've already gnawed our way through most of the gristle and sinew and are approaching the nitty-gritty. It's just a question of whether we'll get to the nitty or the gritty first.

Regardless, there was plenty of "crummy" to go around in Week 15 -- a week that was marred by some gross weather and even the appearance of a naked butt! This week's column may be slightly NSFW, if you happen to work in a place that considers man-butt inappropriate in a football context. But I don't even know where you might work if a football butt isn't appropriate. Maybe in that case, you're the Pope. But shouldn't you be focused on Pope business, your Holiness? Sheesh, stop looking at GIFs for five seconds, Pope!

Here are the worst NFL plays for the week of Dec. 11-18.

Worst Missed Field Goal

Player: Mason Crosby

Date: Dec. 16


Not even close. I mean, there's shanking a kick and then there's this. Broadcasters will often call out a bad play, but the commentary that followed this kick took things to the next level. Joe Buck was moved -- after a moment of stunned silence -- to comment, "That's about as bad an effort as you'll see." JOE BUCK said that about someone. There is no more scathing indictment. This is rock bottom. Pray for Mason Crosby.

How did he follow up this kick? With the saddest pirouette you'll see today.


Such a sad pirouette. Ballet may never recover.

Worst Pass

Player: Brandon Weeden

Date: Dec. 16


On a 4th-and-3 situation, the Browns QB opted to huck the ball out of bounds behind the line of scrimmage. To add to the sadfail of the situation, he tosses it out of bounds while the ball is obscured by the score bug in the top-left hand corner. The end result is like the world's crappiest magic trick. Where'd I throw the turnover on downs? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.


Worst Fumble

Player: Philip Rivers

Date: Dec. 16


It's been ... it's been a pretty rough year for Philip Rivers and Mark Sanchez. It's been a rough year for a lot of quarterbacks, honestly, but Rivers is sort of starting to pull away for one spectacularly long bed-crapping (Ed. note: gross). Check out this play. Football passes are supposed to go forward, Philip. Surprised you don't know that by now. Did Norv call this trick play? He probably did, didn't he? "The Norv Special," he calls it.

(It's funny, because it's a metaphor for Norv Turner's career.)

(Norv Turner is going to get fired.)

(Norv Turner is going to get fired so hard that they'll have to invent a new term for the level of fired he got.)

(Maybe "super-fired.")


Worst Slide

Player: Philip Rivers

Date: Dec. 16

Wait, didn't we just DO Philip Rivers? What the heck? Dang, and I already used up all my Norv jokes. Well, what do you have for us, Phil? How are you going to top yourself this time?


looooooooooooooooooooooolllll you're like a Dutch master of being terrible. Never change, Phil.

Worst Touchdown Celebration

Player: Danny Amendola

Date: Dec. 16



Guy minding his own beeswax: ARGH MY EYE


Guy minding his own beeswax: SWEET JESUS MY FACE OH GOD


Guy minding his own beeswax: OH MERCIFUL PANTS WHAT IS THAT BALL MADE OF

Guy minding his own beeswax: IS IT IRON WRAPPED IN SANDPAPER

Amendola: BYURP

Guy minding his own beeswax: TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER


Worst Dropped Pass

Player: Devon Wylie

Date: Dec. 16



Hup wuzzat

/ball bounces off grass, flies away


/ref blows play dead

I'll field this one, gents!

/rest of game is played

Rest assured that Devon Wylie is on the case! Oh what a reception this shall be!

/Chiefs lose, crowd files out of stadium

/Wylie begins moving hands

I can see it now in my mind's eye! Me, sprinting down the field towards the "end-zone," the "oblong spheroid" safe in my sturdy clutches!

/hands get to waist-level

/time passes

/stadium falls into decay

I shan't let the Chiefs down this time! Of that, I'm certain!

/the robots rise

/mankind is forgotten

/hands meet in front of facemask, empty

What? But -- wh-what is this?! How could this be?



But I was so sure.

/turns to dust

Worst Reaction

Player: Mike Wallace

Date: Dec. 16


In overtime of a vitally important football game, Mike Wallace watched an opponent intercept a pass intended for him. With no one around anywhere, Wallace opted to just watch the guy roll around, rather than make a move to touch him down. Maybe he thought the pass was incomplete. Maybe he thought -- I dunno -- that it was a dragon who caught the ball instead of a football man. But sheesh, fella. Get your head in the game.

Worst Display of Strength

Player: Kyle Love

Date: Dec. 16


I have no doubt that this man is a very, very, extremely strong man. But here are some quick tips on how to make sure that your flexing is impressive, rather than ... not impressive.

- Try to keep arm-jiggling to a minimum

- Make sure you don't have an excess of bonus meat emerging from your jersey arm-hole

- If at all possible, ensure bonus meat is not twice the size of your flexed muscle

- Maybe -- maybe, like ... tuck the bonus meat back a little?

- Jesus, that's a lot of bonus meat

- Maybe let's just lie down for a little while

Worst Coverage

Player: DeMarco Murray's pants

Date: Dec. 16


I would have bet my bottom dollar that this wasn't something we were going to get treated to this week. I hope this image doesn't bum you out in any way or get you down in the dumps. This GIF is actually pretty refreshing. Sort of like a breath of dairy air. Butt you probably get the joke at this point.

Really, the only thing left to say about this is "just click this link." You'll thank me. I promise.

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