The Chipper Jones V.I.P. Party (help needed)

This is your chance to give back to the person who did that article that you kind of liked several months ago.

Hello. My name is Grant Brisbee, and I am from the Internet. I work from home, and I don't get out much. But there's a chance for me to go to a party. A baseball party. Behold:


It's a VIP Super Bowl Party in New Orleans hosted by Chipper Jones, and it's going to be wild. You know how I know that? Because there's no logo on Jones's cap. That means it's not licensed or endorsed by Major League Baseball. If you think this is going to be a buttoned-down, neutered corporate meet-and-greet, think again. Anything will go at this thing.

And I need your help. See, the V.I.P. Package is $1,000, and that's not something that SB Nation is willing to reimburse. Probably because the BEANCOUNTERS have taken over this place, but I'm not looking to get in trouble here. If I attend, I will write something about my experiences at the Chipper Jones V.I.P. Exclusive Tailgate Party that's up to my usual standards, which is optimally a cross between Hunter S. Thompson and Clive Cussler.

Themes I would hope to include in my exclusive feature of the Chipper Jones V.I.P. Exclusive Tailgate Party:

The man himself

How does Chipper Jones watch a Super Bowl? Is he a mingler, a fist-pumper? Does he dick around on his iPhone until the commercials come on, at which point he laughs uproariously? Does he furtively write "check out internet site later" on a scrap of paper and stick it in his pocket because he's only human?

You know Chipper Jones, the future Hall of Famer. But do you know Chipper Jones, the man?

The party culture of New Orleans

I am currently qualified to discuss the party culture of the following cities:

  • Ashland, Oregon
  • Medford, Oregon
  • Daly City, California
  • San Francisco, California

How does New Orleans rank with those? I have no idea. Other Internet enterprises know, and I feel like that puts SB Nation at a disadvantage. From the about page

New Orleans offers visitors an authenic experience unlike anywhere else. Bleacher Report recently named New Orleans "Best NFL city to Party in".

Authenic is a term from ancient Greece, I believe, and it means there are lots of different columns and pillars in New Orleans, which is perfect for partying. Just hangin' outside, leanin' on a pillar, drinkin' a mojito, everybody. And I think the Internet sports world would benefit from a hands-on look at this party culture.

An exposé on the nature of celebrity

Because this party has celebrities. There's this guy, for starters.


But it also has its own page dedicated to celebrities ("celebs"):

And there's room at the bottom, so you know there's room for more.

That's just an artist's conception, but you get the idea. If you can interact with celebrities at all, it's usually in the middle of a mob scene, like an autograph signing or something like that. Here, though, will be celebrities with their guard down, interacting with the hoi polloi and being themselves. How different is Brad Clontz from the public perception of Brad Clontz? What makes the man tick, you know?

A review of the cuisine

I'm no restaurant critic, but the menu looks sublime. It includes the following:

  • Mini muffaluttas
  • Turducken meat pies
  • Artichoke balls

I'm interested at a) eating all of those, b) laughing at the names because I am six years old, and c) letting you know how they all taste. What kind of breading is on the artichoke balls? Are the artichoke balls tender? Do the artichoke balls melt in your mouth? Things like that.

What I need to attend this function is money. In exchange, what I will offer is this: A feature article of 1,000 words or more about my experiences at the Chipper Jones V.I.P. Exclusive Tailgate Party. I was trying to get a Kickstarter going, but it takes a while for them to approve those requests. Here is the video I made for the Kickstarter:

I've included a poll to this piece, and if I get the results I'm hoping for, it might help with the approval process.

Thank you for your time and your consideration. I'm really excited about this, everybody.

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