It's been another crazy week in college football realignment. Fresh off the heels of Rutgers and Maryland moving, Louisville has left the dumpster fire that is the Big East to the moderately less on-fire ACC. As is becoming custom, I've made a meal to help them celebrate their new conference. Today we'll feature famous Louisville foods, as we'll be creating a Hot Brown and mint julep!
STEP 1: Louisville is famous for hosting many of America's fast food franchises. So, for the first ingredient, find 2 week-old slices of Papa Johns.
STEP 2: If you're not sure what a Hot Brown is, and you didn't read the wiki page, let me explain it. It's basically an open face sandwich with meat and cheese. I guess. I don't know, I've never had one. Nevertheless, I'm expertly skilled at blending both meat AND cheese. But what if...we blended them TOGETHER AT ONCE? What if we also pulled in another one of Louisville's corporate residents? Go outside and get a pile of Taco Bell!
STEP 3: Be sure to unwrap the tacos first! You may not be able to tell the difference between the wrapper and the food, but trust me - you won't need any additional fiber digesting this.
STEP 4: This will blend deceptively easy. Usually cutting up meat can take effort, but Taco Bell pretty much disintegrates into greasepaste as soon as you turn it on. Once it's done, find a bag to put it in.
STEP 5: Have you ever said to yourself "How best can I distrubute my whipped tacos?" This is a major concern to the culinary world; a problem with no real solution until now. Dump in the tacos and roll the bag up into a tube.
STEP 6: Next, find an empty paper towel tube to wrap this mush in.
STEP 7: Lastly, load the entire tube into a caulking gun. Be sure to cut off a corner of the bag towards the front so the tacos can escape!
BEHOLD, THE PASTECANNON
(I realized after making this and showing it to some friends that I had subconsciously made Patton Oswalt's self-described ‘Lunch Gun'. This was not on purpose; consider it a happy coincidence.)
STEP 8: Now that you're fully armed with the ability to evenly distribute meat, begin applying the tacos to the top of the pizza.
STEP 9: Hot Browns are also known for their choice of meats, usually turkey and bacon. I don't have any of that fancy stuff after I liquefied it on Thanksgiving. But I do have the next best thing!
STEP 10: Combine all of the bacon bits in a bag with one blob of gravy. Mix thoroughly and then compact it into a ball with your hand. Drop the baconball on top of your sandwich.
STEP 11: Lastly for the sandwich, we'll need a cheese sauce. I've conquered this mountain many times in my lunch travels, but today I have a solution for those that may not have access to a spray cheese or Cheez Whiz. We're going to make our OWN cheese sauce! First off is the main ingredient:
FOODTIP: Beware! No one is fully prepared for the Day of Cheesoning!
STEP 12: Dump half of the bottle of Cheesoning into a bowl.
STEP 13: This is probably pretty salty. More like, it's nearly 50% straight up salt. We'll need something to balance that.
STEP 14: Begin pouring the Karo into the Cheesoning and mix with a spatula! After it's mixed, dump it onto your sandwich.
STEP 15: Oh no! This Hot Brown isn't hot at all! That's okay. Let's douse it in radiation.
STEP 16: Next, we'll need a drink to pair with our sandwich. Kentucky loves its mint julep! Start with a mug full of crushed ice.
STEP 17: A mint julep needs bourbon. I don't have any of that at all. But I *do* have a months-old bottle of beer in the fridge. That's close to the same, right? Of course! Pour some into a cup along with our mint flavoring.
STEP 18: Dump the TicTacs into the beer. Let them dissolve.
STEP 19: Now, pour your mintbeer into mug, and garnish with a mint leaf.....flavored jelly thing.
STEP 20. Now, let's bring it together, with a Tangball garnish!
WELCOME TO THE ACC, LOUISVILLE!