TAKEAWAYS: Happy 2013 to everyone who gets a new coach or GM

Rich Schultz

In this edition of Takeaways Robert Wheel recaps every game from Week 17 and congratulates everyone who gets a new coach or GM.

Being a football fan is supposed to be fun, but it sure does suck most seasons. Is there any team who missed the playoffs whose fans are happy? Maybe the Rams and Bucs? But getting a new coach is always a reason for optimism. Every young coordinator could be the next Mike Tomlin. Every retread coach just needed a change of scenery like Belichick. A college coach could be another Jim Harbaugh. The possibilities are limitless!

And getting a new GM is great too. The Jaguars got rid of Gene Smith. The new guy is going to be someone you never heard of, but as long as he's not Gene Smith then it's awesome! You're definitely not spending a third round pick on a punter this year.

So cheers to everyone whose coach or GM gets fired today. The future is bright, so celebrate!


(make sure you keep an eye on number 5)

Anyway, here's a quick recap of every game this week

Bucs 22, Falcons 17

TAKEAWAY: The resting starters debate is really boring

So Dunta Robinson and John Abraham got hurt in a meaningless game. There are merits to both starting and sitting your players, but I prefer to defer to coaches who know their teams and the health of their players better than I do. Which is why, other than the "is this QB elite?" debate, this is one of the most boring arguments in football. The arguments are always the same and nobody really knows what they're talking about. So please shut up about it already.

Bills 28, Jets 9

TAKEAWAY: This game was stupid.

Anyone who watched every minute of this game either hates himself or is a desperate Tebow fan. So, nobody you'd want to hang out with.

Bengals 23, Ravens 17

TAKEAWAY: Marvin Lewis is still going to be coaching the Bengals next year

Here is a visual representation of Lewis's career in Cincinnati:


His skill in pulling out a winning season right when he's wearing thin is more impressive than jumping a ravine in the General Lee.

Bears 26, Lions 24

TAKEAWAY: I don't know how Lions fans do it

As a Giants fan I became a Lions fan for three hours on Sunday and holy hell is that miserable. "Something is going to go wrong" is the default setting while watching them. No wonder everyone from Michigan is really a hockey fan.

Titans 38, Jags 20

TAKEAWAY: The Titans scored 28 points in a row without taking a snap on offense

They punted with 4 minutes left in the second half and had two punt return TDs and two pick sixes before their next offensive play, handing off to Chris Johnson with 10:25 left in the third. Even wilder: Johnson's run was from the Jags 17 yard line because of another interception returned deep; the Titans could have easily scored 35 points without their offense taking the field. Which is exactly what you need when Jake Locker is your quarterback.

Colts 28, Texans 16

TAKEAWAY: It's fun being Chuckstrong, especially when you have T.Y. Hilton

Are you a defensive back? Then I have bad news. T.Y. Hilton is already 5 yards behind you. That's why everyone's so happy here:


Panthers 44, Saints 38

TAKEAWAY: Cam Newton had a good year

His stats did not change significantly this year; his completion percentage dropped a bit but so did his interceptions. As it turns out, all that early season hand-wringing about him was pointless. Just as Andrew Sharp pointed out back in September. I'm sure Peter King and Skip Bayless will admit that they were wrong about Cam in the alternate universe where people wear shoes on their hands and hamburgers eat people.

Giants 42, Eagles 7

TAKEAWAY: The best coach in Eagles history has coached his last game for the team

If you told an Eagles fan in 1998 that they'd replace Ray Rhodes with a guy who'd go 130-93-1 over the next 14 years they'd be pretty stoked, right? I also love how Reid's record is 130-93-1 because it's a reminder that Donovan McNabb didn't know a game could end in a tie.

Steelers 24, Browns 10

TAKEAWAY: Browns fans have it the worst

The Josh McDaniels rumors are further proof that this team is cursed. The Browns' stadium isn't built on an Indian burial ground, but when the Cuyahoga River caught on fire it angered Pato, the Wyandot god of crippling sports pathos.

Broncos 38, Chiefs 3

TAKEAWAY: The Chiefs, and quite possibly, Scott Pioli, are on the clock

Scott Pioli is like one of those CEOs you read about after a scandal and you're disgusted at how long they were able to stay in power despite overwhelming evidence of their incompetence. The Chiefs are 23-41 while he was in charge. He's hired two coaches and neither worked. Clark Hunt says that no final decision has been made on Pioli, which means Iowa fans still have a chance to get rid of their subprime mortgage of a coach.

Vikings 37, Packers 34

TAKEAWAY: Adrian Peterson was 9 yards shy of Eric Dickerson's record

Admit it, you wanted Blair Walsh to honk that game-winning field goal so Purple Jesus would have a chance to break Dickerson's record. Nobody who was that bad as a sideline reporter should have his name in the record books.

Patriots 28, Dolphins 0

TAKEAWAY: The Patriots ethered the AFC East this year

The Patriots went 6-0 and outscored their opponents by 98 points in divisional games. And outside of them the AFC East was pretty unwatchable. If you live in the Northeast then your CBS games sucked this year. On the bright side, you got plenty of Giants schizophrenia on Fox!

Chargers 24, Raiders 21

TAKEAWAY: The curse of Takeo Spikes lives

15 years in the league, 15 years not making the playoffs. He already had the record for most games played without suiting up in the postseason coming into this year and now that record is 219. Perhaps most amazing, he did it without ever playing for the Browns.

49ers 27, Cardinals 13

TAKEAWAY: Aldon Smith fell short of Michael Strahan's sack record

If there's one offensive line that could have given up 3 sacks to Smith it was the Cardinals'. I'm pretty sure I could win a game of Red Rover against the Cardinals line. So Strahan's record lives!

The highlight of the Jim Fassel era, everyone!

Seahawks 20, Rams 13

TAKEAWAY: Richard Sherman had a key interception

And you're goddamn right he deserved to play in the game where he got it.

Redskins 28, Cowboys 18

TAKEAWAY: Congrats to Dan Snyder

Can't think of a more deserving guy to win the NFC East! (if Redskins fans can synecdoche RG3 to represent their team then I can do the same with Snyder)

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