1. Residence in Knoxville, the Akron of the Smokies.
2. Orange matches traffic cones stuck in your truck grill.
3. Jonathan Crompton will make you pancakes. It will be at 3 a.m., and he will not be invited, but hey -- pancakes!
4. Is a great stepping stone to the USC job.
5. Smokey fetches slippers. (Warning: no guarantees of bringing slippers to you, or anyone. But he will get them.)
6. Proximity to Nashville ensures no shortage of fame-seeking youths with flat-ironed hair.
7. Comes bundled with Amazon Prime membership. (Congratulations, Amazon Prime Member: you are already the head coach at Tennessee.)
8. Is not the Colorado job.
9. Hunting deer from stadium lights: TOTALLY cool.
10. You currently have as many lifetime wins against ranked teams as your predecessor.
11. Proximity to Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility heightens probability of superpowers via radiation exposure.
12. Three awkward minutes of conversation with Peyton Manning annually.
13. Free access to Andrew Jackson's Presidential papers, a single sheet of paper housed at the University of Tennessee libraries bearing the words "KILL" written in the blood of a slain foe on a shred of deerskin.