NORTH REGION -- SECOND ROUND
(12) ROB GRONKOWSKI SHOULD BE DEAD
(4) RG3'S LIFE IS RIDICULOUS
(12) Oh. hello. I am ROB GRONKOWSKI SHOULD BE DEAD.
When last we met, I defeated LIONEL MESSI IS AN ALIEN, 509 to 272. Attention, people who made QWOP: if you're ever going to make "QWOP: Gymnastics," holler.
(4). Greetings. I am RG3'S LIFE IS RIDICULOUS.
I managed to survive a very tough first-round match-up by besting BASEBALL'S WINTER MEETINGS ARE EXCITING, 508 to 407. Robert Griffin III's outright likability may have pushed me over the top.
I mean, really. Consider the most likable quarterbacks in the game today. Maybe Aaron Rodgers, because he's very good and generally inoffensive, but if you stay that way long enough, some folks will start to resent you, a la Peyton Manning. Drew Brees was untouchable two years ago, but he's receiving some blowback over what has become known as "the whole Saints whatever thing."
Philip Rivers is made fun of for any number of reasons. Eli Manning is uninteresting and a little brother. Matt Stafford has a shitty haircut. Ben Roethlisberger looks like he's going to be slain by Hobbits at any given moment. Cam Newton is TAINTED. Joe Flacco is horrible. Et cetera.
On the other hand, RG3 is happy and funny and behaves like an actual interesting person and wears little Superman capes on his socks and, just as importantly, makes unbelievable, amazing things happen on the football field. It looks like we might finally, finally have an eminently likable NFL quarterback, and I don't know whether we're ready for it.