EAST REGION -- FINAL
(4) RUNAWAY UTILITY CART
(2) RANDY JOHNSON HITS BIRD
(4) Hello again. I am RUNAWAY UTILITY CART.
On Tuesday, I dealt a shocking upset to top-seeded FAVRE GETS HIT IN THE DONG, 480 to 150. Your voting throughout this tournament has sent an unmistakable message: you love violence. You love dead birds and pratfalls and wiener-smacks and flying face-kicks. You can't get enough of it, you monster.
I lean upon your vice until it topples over. Rather, I wedge an end-zone cone against the gas pedal and let the cart career right toward you and level you, unsuspecting. Before you know it, you have voted for me and you're going for a ride.
Leave the old-man GIFs behind. Mechanized violence is the future. Vote for the future.
(2) If you'll recall, I am RANDY JOHNSON HITS BIRD.
When last you saw me, I was toppling JIM THOME AND DELMON YOUNG, 339 to 193. And yes, of course, RUNAWAY UTILITY CART is correct when he says that you crave violence. You do. And I offer death. Violent, high-velocity, painless death. Look at me. It's like the Reaper is throwing confetti.