2012 Mock Mock Draft

1) Indianapolis Colts: Nick Toon, WR, Wisconsin
The lasting appeal of Nicktoons to Jim Irsay's infantile, drunken mind will subconsciously sway him to make this pick. Afterwards, he will post on Twitter "omg im so happy 2 hav ncktoon on da tm...i luv catdog lol!!!1"

2) Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin, OT, Baylor
In his haste to land his quarterback of the future, Dan Snyder hands commissioner Goodell a card that simply reads "Robert Griffin, Baylor". Really should have specified which one, but would anyone really be surprised? Classic Redskins pick.

3) Minnesota Vikings: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State<
There has been speculation recently that the Vikings will pass on drafting Matt Kalil and instead select Justin Blackmon with this pick. I am placing it in my mock mock draft so that hopefully Minnesota realizes just how silly doing that would be.

4) Cleveland Browns: Does it even matter?
Every time I make a pick that I think will be hilarious to mock the Browns, they always one-up me in the actual draft. Every season. Without fail. So what's the point of doing this anymore? They're clearly better than me at this.

5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State
LeGarrette Blount's work ethic was seriously called into question last season as Tampa Bay imploded down the stretch. The Bucs need to draft someone who can beat some sense into him, and Burfict seems to be the only one who can stand a chance when it comes to vicious fistfights with your teammates.

6) St. Louis Rams: Brandon Weeden, QB, Oklahoma State
It seems like the Rams are bound and determined to stick with Sam Bradford as their quarterback of the future, so their best move would be to bring in a savvy old veteran quarterback that he can learn under.

7) Jacksonville Jaguars: Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
The Jaguars draft Poe to essentially be Blaine Gabbert's bodyguard. Maybe now with a 340 pound lumbering behemoth with him in the backfield at all times, that little pansy won't run away crying any time any kind of pressure is on.

8) Miami Dolphins: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
The Dolphins are absolutely thrilled that such an incredible prospect has fallen to them at the eighth pick, but once again get burned when Luck refuses to sign his contract and instead opts to go into architecture. Miami will never have a franchise quarterback.

9) Carolina Panthers: Trent Richardson, HB, Alabama
With the final piece of the puzzle in place, the Panthers are ready to dominate the league with their five-headed rushing attack. Teams everywhere will be thoroughly decimated. It's kind of like what Tebow did last year, except it will actually have lasting success.

10) Buffalo Bills: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
In the second half of last season, Ryan Fitzpatrick lost all confidence and crumbled in the final games as Buffalo relinquished their hold on a playoff spot. Claiborne, who scored a 4 on the Wonderlic, should be able to re-inspire Fitzpatrick with his neanderthal intelligence by making Ryan feel like even more of a genius.

11) Kansas City Chiefs: Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
Scott Pioli's digusting obession with drafting LSU defensive linemen and putting them in the wrong system will finally be fully satiated, as he now has a three man d-line that makes absolutely no sense.

12) Seattle Seahawks: Ishmaa'ily Kitchen, DT, Kent State
This guy's name is literally Ishmaa'ily Kitchen. I don't even know how to make a joke more potent than that.

13) Arizona Cardinals: Joe Long, OT, Wayne State
The Cardinals take Jake Long's brother ransom and say the only way he'll be returned safely is if Jake comes to play for Arizona. If Levi Brown were my starting left tackle, I'd probably be that desperate, too.

14) Dallas Cowboys: Billy Winn, DT, Boise State
There was originally going to be a joke here about the Cowboys finally buying a Winn, but I became disgusted with myself and just moved on to the Eagles' pick. I'm sorry.

15) Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles hired an OL coach to be their defensive coordinator.
Sorry, can't script a joke better than that. Well played, Philly.

16) New York Jets: Brock Osweiler, QB, Arizona State
This instantly becomes the most compelling QB competition of all time. A Hispanic quarterback who has sex with high school students and can't throw, versus a bible-thumping Christian who can't throw, versus the guy who played Edward in Twilight and can't throw.

17) Cincinnati Bengals: Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama
Has the "hey look the Bengals are drafting a guy with character concerns" joke run its course yet? Because I feel like it has...

18) San Diego Chargers: JP Losman, QB, Las Vegas Locomotives
The Chargers really feel stupid for picking Philip Rivers after watching Losman lead Las Vegas to a UFL championship. Time to right the terrible wrong.

19) Chicago Bears: David Wilson, HB, Virginia Tech
Haha, I bet Matt Forte's REALLY pissed now.

20) Tennessee Titans: Elvis Akpla, WR, Montana State
Akpla will immediately endear himself to the majority of the fanbase in Nashville, i.e the decrepit old zombies who are still convinced that the real Elvis is still alive. You know, like Bud Adams.

21) Cincinnati Bengals: Alshon Jeffery, WR, South Carolina
...but I just keep doing it.

22) Cleveland Browns: Seriously, stop it.
Just stop. I know you devious jerks got two first round picks this year just to make me look even less amusing, but I'm on to your games. We get it, you're terrible at drafting. Hilarious. Just leave me alone.

23) Detroit Lions: Zach Brown, LB, North Carolina
Brown has insane speed for a linebacker, which should help the Lions immensely as the rest of their absymal defense can at least try throwing their bodies into ballcarriers to slow them down so he can catch up.

24) Pittsburgh Steelers: Stephen Garcia, QB, South Carolina
Garcia should be able to receive some quality tutelage from Ben Roethlisberger on why a professional quarterback needs to stay sober and away from trouble. Or he'll just get really fat and grow a mullet. Either way, awesome.

25) Denver Broncos: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
The Broncos take a real gamble here, hoping that their medical staff can find a way to fuse Griffin and Peyton Manning together to form some sort of ultra-QB. And hey, if it doesn't work out, they can always rely on Caleb Hanie! (you decide what the real joke here is)

26) Houston Texans: Brian Reader, QB, Idaho
This guy can really read defenses!

27) New England Patriots: Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Young Kellen Moore joins Frodo Woodhead, Samwise Edelman, and the Merry Hobbits of Foxborough on their incredible quest to bring the one ring back to Gillete Stadium. Guest starring Eli Manning as Gollum, who steals the ring away at the last second.

28) Green Bay Packers: T-Bob Hebert, C, LSU
After Scott Wells left in free agency, the Packers signed Jeff Saturday to be a stopgap at the position while they find their center of the future. They need look no further than T-Bob Hebert, whose name is really T-Bob. Yep. T-Bob.

29) Baltimore Ravens: Will Snyderwine, K, Duke
This dude just SOUNDS like a self-entitled dick, which should hopefully take some of the attention away from Joe Flacco's massive ego in Baltimore (and let's be honest, Joe calling himself the best QB in the league is funnier than anything I could have come up with).

30) San Francisco 49ers: Michael Floyd
Floyd has had some off-field problems in the past, but he should be able to learn how to stay humble and keep his ego in check playing alongside Randy Moss, Mario Manningham, Michael Crabtree, and Braylon Edwards.

31) New England Patriots: Tony Jerod-Eddie, DT, Texas A&M
With BenJarvus Green-Ellis leaving New England, the Patriots need a new guy who can take up the Lawfirm nickname and continue to provide delight to all the announcers who enjoy beating that joke into the ground.

32) New York Giants: Junior Hemingway, WR, Michigan
You couldn't script a better storybook ending to the Giants' 2011 season. Eh?


Link to my 2011 Mock Mock Draft:

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