EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - FEBRUARY 16: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson attends a press conference to announce that MetLife Stadium will host WWE Wrestlemania 29 in 2013 at MetLife Stadium on February 16, 2012 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Michael N. Todaro/Getty Images)
WrestleMania 28 was full of action, pageantry, pyrotechnics and drama. But what we really came for were the valuable life lessons.
After WrestleMania 28 ended on Sunday, we were all allowed a moment of quiet contemplation and reflection. There was much to digest and mull over. We entered the annual pro wrestling event as mere children, but emerged as women and men, ready for any obstacle life might throw at us. As always, there was glitz, glamor and action galore. But there was also substance. The WWE taught us all how to be more complete people by giving us tidbits of wisdom that schools and parents are either afraid or unable to bestow.
In case you somehow missed them, here are the most valuable life lessons to take away from WrestleMania 28.
Make Sure Ropes Aren't Slippery
Justin Gabriel could have used this information before Sunday. In the pre-show triple threat match for the WWE Tag Team Championship, Gabriel and his partner were trying to win the title belts by defeating champs Primo and Epico and the Usos. Gabriel tried to do some high-flying springboard moves, but on both occasions he slipped and nearly broke his crazy neck. Shortly after he slipped the second time, Primo pinned Jimmy Uso to retain the titles. Perhaps if he'd just taken a moment to ensure the ropes were dry, Justin Gabriel would be a champion right now. He suffers so that we may learn from his cautionary tale.
Never Kiss Anyone, Ever
What a valuable lesson we learned from former World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan! After the opening bell rang in his title match against Sheamus, he paused to receive a good luck kiss from his girlfriend AJ. When he turned back around, what did he find? A GIANT BOOT TO THE FACE. A pinfall later and he had lost his title in a mere 18 seconds. Take note, dear viewer: a display of affection leads only to humiliation and loss. Be ever vigilant and just say "no" to smooches.
Don't Dawdle, Lest Ye Be Chokeslammed
Randy Orton taught us this important lesson in his match against Kane. Orton perched his opponent upon the turnbuckles and looked to be moving in for the kill, but took several precious moments to make crazy eyes at the crowd and crane his neck hither and yon for no good reason. Kane recovered and chokeslammed Orton off the second rope for the win. It's never good to be idle, everyone. Idle hands are the chokeslam's plaything.
Don't Taunt People 200 Pounds Heavier Than Yourself
Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes spent the six weeks before WrestleMania telling the 7-foot-tall, 500-pound Big Show what a fool he was. He mocked Big Show's poor WrestleMania track record, propensity to make a fool of himself and general goofiness. Then he handcuffed Big show to the ring ropes and beat him up a little. It turned out that wasn't a real smart move on the part of Rhodes, as Big Show manhandled him at WrestleMania 28 before knocking him out cold with an enormous right hand. Perhaps, if Rhodes had just not chosen to pick a fight with a giant, all of this could have been somehow avoided.
Beware The Entertainment Show Host
Beth Phoenix and Eve are professionals. They've been doing this a while. Heck, Beth Phoenix is the Divas Champion! They probably thought they were in for an easy night when they learned they would be fighting the tag team of Kelly Kelly and the host of "Extra," Maria Menounos. And yet, just a few minutes later, Phoenix was being rolled up and pinned by said host of "Extra." So just remember: the next time your boss asks you if you'd like to go head-to-head in feats of strength and skill with Mario Lopez or Billy Bush, politely decline.
Old People Are Reckless
The Undertaker, Triple H and Shawn Michaels have an average age of about 63. When Undertaker and Triple H agreed to fight in Hell in a Cell at WrestleMania with Michael as the referee, we all sort of assumed that it would be a brutal match. But everyone may have underestimated just how little regard these veterans of the sport have for their own bodies. Triple H hit Undertaker with steel steps, chairs and a sledgehammer until his opponent's back was a mishmash of welts and bruises. He did everything short of running Undertaker over with Grave Digger (which is the Undertaker of monster trucks). In response, Undertaker then hit Triple H with all the same things. It was a half-hour-long study in what you're willing to do when you've already said to yourself, "Eh. I've had a good run." Hopefully when we are their age, we will be similarly fearless. Until then, keep a wide berth of your elders. You never know what they're liable to start walloping each other with.
The Ratio Of Participants To Officials Should Never Be 12:1
In the match to determine the permanent general manager of both the Raw and SmackDown! shows, there were two tag teams of six wrestlers each. In addition, there were a bevy of valets, mascots, flag-bearers and the general managers themselves on the outside of the ring. You know how many referees there were? One. And somehow we were supposed to be surprised that the rules and structure of the match broke down? Imagine if there were one referee in a football game, or one umpire in a baseball game. The lack of an appropriate number of officials may have actually resulted in Team Johnny winning and John Laurinaitis gaining control of both television shows. This oversight by the WWE was solely for our benefit. Don't let the same mistake happen to you.
Maybe Sometimes You Shouldn't Call Your Mama
Following a great match where CM Punk retained his WWE Championship by forcing Chris Jericho to tap out to the Anaconda Vice, we were treated to an appearance by the Funkasaurus. The Funkasaurus expressed delight in calling his Mama, who then showed up at WrestleMania in a muumuu and house shoes -- embarrassing! -- but had also brought her bridge club with her. Her bridge club was dressed in identically-matching muumuus and the entire menagerie of large-posteriored women set about to dancing with the Funkasaurus and his Funkettes. Sure, it all seemed to be in good fun, but you just know that Funkasaurus is going to get in trouble for having too many people on the guest list. Mamas can be inconsiderate sometimes, too.
Pride Goeth Before The Fall
In the main event, John Cena had the Rock right where he wanted him. He could have hit one of his signature moves and picked up the win and the bragging rights in the highly-anticipated showdown between these two megastars. Instead, he attempted to humiliate his opponent by using one of the Rock's own moves, the People's Elbow against him. In the middle of performing the move, the Rock popped up and delivered a Rock Bottom for the win. If only John Cena had not been so rash and spiteful. If only he had been a bit less prideful ... he might still be with us today. Instead, he'll be with us tonight, on Monday Night Raw.
Perhaps if we tune in, we'll all learn a little something.
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