It's almost Father's Day, and here you are, still scrambling to get a gift for your dad. Luckily for you, I've taken the time to cull the MLB.com shops to find some suggestions for you.
But these are gifts perfect for the dads who are hard to shop for. If you have a normal dad, you can just get him a nice team sweatshirt or jacket. Seriously, he'll love it. Just get the damned sweatshirt. But if your dad is trickier to shop for, here are some suggestions that might help you out.
Five pounds of M&Ms with your favorite team's logo ($139.99)
The father who likes to roll around in a bathtub filled with M&Ms like a chinchilla taking a sand bath.
You're hungry for some chocolate, and you're ready for the big game! Help the super fan in your home, and get him five pounds of M&Ms with his favorite team's logo!
Each M&M is hand-painted by artisans, who take up to an hour on each one, delicately crafting an individual work of art. This is why there's a $100 markup over the typical price for five pounds of M&Ms.
So when you dump a handful of M&Ms into your mouth, you aren't just eating chocolates with your team's logo on them; you're eating away the hours of another human being's life as if you were some kind of god. But, also, your team's logo is on the M&Ms!
Albert Pujols signed bat ($1,589.99)
The dad who holds you to a strict $1,590.00 spending limit for Father's Day gifts.
Your father worked two jobs to put food on the table when you were growing up, and he delayed his retirement by ten years so you could go to college.
Now it's time to return the favor and buy him one of these genuine Albert Pujols autographed bats for the price of a compact car. Put a couple of them on a credit card and worry about the cost later, because there wouldn't be a better way to let your dad know that you never listened to a damned word he said.
Phillies logo projection rock ($46.99)
A father who might need help at a moment's notice.
Have you ever been in a situation where you needed the Phillie Phanatic to spray the absolute shit out of someone with silly string? Just shine this into the sky, and the Phillie Phanatic will arrive within 25 minutes and spray the absolute shit out of someone with silly string. Guaranteed.
Don't be fooled by imitations and knockoffs that will only disappoint when you need the Phillie Phanatic to arrive within 25 minutes and spray the absolute shit out of someone with silly string. This is the real deal. Shine it into the sky if you don't believe us. We're talking 25 minutes, every time. Don't ask how. Just know it works.
Phillies mirror ($59.99)
Dads who are Pat Burrell. Like yours.
Pat Burrell is your dad.
Yeah, that's right. You're Pat Burrell. Check yourself out. Looking good, looking good. Can I get a flex? Just a little flex. Yeah, that's right. You're Pat Burrell, dammit.
several paragraphs omitted
Yeah, what's up, Pat Burrell? Gonna go out on the town tonight? I'll bet you are. Come on, check yourself out in this Phillies mirror for a bit. Damn, son, you look good.
Boston Red Sox steak brander ($19.99)
Passive-aggressive dads with a Yankee-fan son-in-law.
Uh-oh! Dad likes the Red Sox, but his ungrateful son-in-law likes the Yankees! This steak brander is perfect for the timid soul who would prefer to mutter things like, "Yeah, eat that Red Sox steak, you punk. You can sleep with my daughter, but you gotta eat a Red Sox steak" under his breath instead of getting openly confrontational. Sear the steak with the brander, and put it logo-side down on the plate. He'll never know.
You might have too much to drink and hear whispers in your head that suggest you should use the brander on your son-in-law's forehead. Don't listen to them. The voices aren't there. The brander is for steaks only. We can't stress this enough. You should probably just forget about the brander.
Please don't buy this brander.
Some sort of gigantic Henry Sosa Lego-man ($12.99)
The dad who is in his basement right now, building some sort of hellish, post-apocalyptic landscape out of Legos.
Look, you should probably talk to your dad. He spends all of his time in that basement without natural light or ventilation. And he's building that … thing out of Legos. It's impressive. But it's terrifying. I think the rivers of blood are actually some sort of animal blood he gets from the farmers' market. He mumbles to himself a lot when he's down there; I've heard it. And he keeps adding on to the landscape. Tirelessly. Night after night.
But if you don't mind -- if you actually want to encourage this -- this Henry Sosa figurine is probably perfect. It can lay on its side in the Lego rubble like some sort of Lego effigy that the old civilization left behind to burn when the Lego world ended in a storm of hail and fire.
Or if you can think of another reason for this thing to exist, please e-mail us with the idea, and receive 20 percent off your next order. Because this is the only one we can think of for a Henry Sosa Lego-man. We're kind of stuck here, folks.
Derek Jeter-signed Statue of Liberty replica ($999.99)
The recently divorced dad looking for companionship.
Huh. A thousand dollars. Well, I'll be.
Sample conversation from your contented father:
Come on, Lady Jeter Liberty. Let's go see a movie tonight. I heard that 21 Jump Street was real good. Oh, hush now, Lady Jeter Liberty. You can't judge a movie based on the trailer, now! Well, I'll tell you what, we'll go get some dinner first. Yeah, that's right, Lady Jeter Liberty. I was thinking a steakhouse. Something real fancy and proper, where they bring out baked potatoes the size of a hubcap with all the fixings before you even order. And I'm thinking we'll sit and linger a bit, waiting for our dessert, getting to know each other. Because I can tell you're a keeper, Lady Jeter Liberty. You're everything that's right about this country. I can tell. I can sense it. You're everything that's right about this country, and you're condensed into something portable that I can carry around with me. We'll never be apart, Lady Jeter Liberty. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you know this to be true. We'll never be apart again. I love you Lady Jeter Liberty. I love you.
Apparently, I've determined that the target demographic for these gifts are increasingly disturbed fathers. It's not what I intended to show, but once you go down the MLB.com rabbit hole, you get sucked in. There are some freaky things in there.
Beware. And happy shopping!