Chipper Jones Makes Rather Forgettable Locker-Room Speech Before All-Star Game

Chipper Jones is one of my favorite active baseball players, and he's also capable of saying some pretty awesome/funny stuff here and there, but there's really only so much you can say in a pre-All-Star Game locker room pep talk. By "so much," I mean nothing meaningful:

To be fair, this game is meaningful to guys like Chipper, whose Braves actually stand half a chance in Hell of reaching the World Series and enjoying home-field advantage. I'm sure half the room totally checked out, though. Given the Cubs' ownership of the worst record in baseball, this is the speech first baseman Bryan LaHair really needed to hear:

Bryanlahair_medium

"Guys, listen. I'm looking around this room, and I see that not all of us have chairs. The team that wins this game is going to be awarded plenty of chairs. It's important to have things to sit on, such as a chair. By the end of this game, people are going to say, 'Bryan LaHair? More like Bryan LaChair, on account of the chair he is sitting in. That is a joke I made.' That is a joke a made-up person made. That's why we need to go out and win this thing. Chairs. Chairs are comfortable and important.

"OK, guys, let's get to the dugout. There are places to sit there. You may be asked to briefly play baseball, but playing baseball is more similar to the experience of sitting in a chair than any other sport, including cycling. Chairs, et cetera. Sincerely, Chairper Jchairnes."

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