This is what we know: that Canterbury Park is a horse track in Shakopee, Minn.; that it hosted an ostrich race called the "Don't Lay An Egg Dash" as part of its Extreme Race Day on Saturday; that the ostriches were ridden by actual, professional jockeys; and that the announcer for the event needs a promotion to a full-time gig at a sports network. Everything else is myth until you behold the majesty of the event's video:
Let's watch this video together, again and again (thanks to GorillaMask). All of this happens:
0:08 -- Announcer: "These birds are crazy! Look out, one of them might fly in the crowd, start peckin'."
Watch out, everyone! These ostriches might fly into the crowd and attack you! Ha ha, just kidding, ostriches can't fly. But seriously, your lives are at risk.
0:14 -- EPIC SWEAT STAINS
0:30 -- The announcer ends 15 seconds of silence by saying, "We seem to have some tumult with Bird No. 1."
0:34 -- The favorite is "Ostracized, a winner of six consecutive ostrich races across the upper Midwest."
0:41 -- "There they go! Look at these dirty birds run!"
0:45 -- Other names in the pack: Ostradamus and Flock Star, puns worthy of ingesting ostrychnine.
0:55 -- Professional jockeys falling off ostriches.
1:01 -- The winner of the race is Derek Bell atop WallytheBirdman. "Derek Bell, you are a CHAMPION!"
1:38 -- "Wow, that's the craziest ostrich race we've ever seen!"
1:41 -- A conversation with Bell's daughter as slo-mo instant replay shows jockeys' faces bouncing off the backs of ostriches:
ANNOUNCER: Hayley, your dad just won; do you want some of the purse money?
ANNOUNCER: Do you wanna buy a Dora the Explorer collection?
2:32 -- "Well, by winning the stakes race, Derek can put another feather in his cap." Important note: Bell is literally wearing a feather in his helmet. Suck it, metaphors.
3:01 -- Ostriches running in slow-motion are terrifying to watch. They're like feathered AT-ST walkers.
3:25 -- Interview with the winner: "Have you ever won a race in such strange fashion?" Bell: "No, I've never ridden an ostrich before."
3:30 -- Real interview question: "What was it like riding that bird with the long neck and the devilish eyes?"
3:58 -- Photo op in the winner's circle. "Here is the aggressive WallytheBirdman! Look at this two-legged terrorist!" Should I point out that human terrorists usually have two legs? No? Very well, then. Let's move on.
4:16 -- Helmet-cam replay. Just before the gates open, you can hear one jockey say, "Wait, not --," but then it's too late.
It was always too late. These are ostriches. They were never meant to be ridden. Cooked into burgers? Yes. Harvested for very large eggs? Yes. Outfitted with cybernetics to fight alien dinosaurs? Absolutely. But not ridden.