WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 31: Vendors prepare food before the start of opening day between the Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves at Nationals Park on March 31, 2011 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
Two of America's favorite pastimes -- sports and eating horrible food -- collide as we compare franchises to chain restaurants.
There are a lot of sports teams and a lot of chain restaurants. Americans consume sports just as greedily and fearlessly as they consume mass-produced food. In many cases, the similarities between the two are pretty obvious. Which sports teams would you equate with which food franchises? Here are 15 of the best examples we can think of to get you started. Please feel free to share yours in the comments below.
The Boston Red Sox are Burger King
A conversation you may have very well had with a friend recently:
You: Oh man, you know what I could go for? Burger King.
Friend: Oh wow, dude, I haven't had Burger King in FOREVER.
Y: I know, right?
F: Let's go!
(One drive to Burger King later)
Y: Man, what the hell is all this crap?
F: Did ... did they change their menu?
Y: Yeah, I guess they must have. What the hell is a Triple Stacker?
F: Man, that doesn't even look good in the picture.
Y: I guess I'll get, uh ... chicken fries?
Cashier: Sorry, we don't have chicken fries any more.
Y & F: WHAAAAATTTTT
F: I guess they still have the Whopper.
Y: Yeah, they always have the Whopper.
F: What a letdown. I remember Burger King as being amazing.
The Red Sox, like Burger King, were good for a really long time. This year? Not so much.
The Green Bay Packers are Chili's
There is nothing wrong with the Green Bay Packers, or with Chili's, in and of itself. Some of the stuff is actually pretty decent. And everyone loves fajitas, right? Spoiler: fajitas are like a million times better in theory than in execution. And while Aaron Rodgers is perfectly likeable, so are ribs. But then some idiot whose idea of telling a joke is to quote Borat starts singing that stupid "I Want My Baby Back" song and the whole evening is ruined. The 2012 season is going to be full of people screaming RAHHHJAHHHHHSSSS and doing the "Discount Double-Check" belt gesture and ugh oh God can we just go home already.
The New York Yankees are McDonald's
There's no one over the age of 14 who will disagree that McDonald's is terrible for you. "It's pretty much the worst thing you can put in your body!" we cry. "I hate McDonald's and everything they stand for!" But if you find yourself out driving before 10:30 a.m. and you drive past a Mickey D's, you will gasp, check the clock and swerve across traffic to stuff a McMuffin and a hashbrown in your face.
When we're all dead and gone, the aliens sifting through the ash of our planet will only find Yankees and McDonald's logos. They'll never know how much we hated them both.
The San Jose Sharks are the Olive Garden
The beginning of every meal is great! Everyone loves the soup, salad and breadsticks! Amazing! Hospitaliano! This is going so well! This is fantastic! I'd say this is well on its way to being the finest meal I've ever -- oh? More food? Entrees, you say? Well, I guess we did order them. We may as well-- oh. Oh no. Oh, this was all going so well. Oh my god we're never coming back here again.
The Miami Heat are the Cheesecake Factory
The menu at the Cheesecake Factory is at least 20 pages long. They couldn't decide what to put on their menu, so they decided to offer literally everything they could think of. You pick up the menu and take a look and you just start laughing at the sheer incredulity of it all. And what's this? FIFTY cheesecake options? Just chill out, dudes. You're already good. Calm down. Stop it.
The Washington Redskins are Ruth's Chris Steakhouse
Passionately beloved, surprisingly expensive. And yet, at the end? Just a steak.
The Los Angeles Lakers are Hooters
Hooters has great wings, is the buzz. Yep, really great wings. That one thing is super, super good. Everything else? Gross and icky. You can get better wings somewhere else, everyone. Just ... just forget about it. It's Hooterstown.
The New York Mets are Red Lobster
There are only two reasons to ever go to Red Lobster: if it's Lobsterfest, or if it's Shrimpfest.
There are only two times Mets fans go to games: if it's the beginning of the season, or if the Mets are outperforming expectations.
All other times? Avoid both, at all costs.
The Alabama Crimson Tide are Subway
Did you know that there are more Subway storefronts than any other restaurant chain in America? It's true. Did you know that there are more Crimson Tide fans than there are residents of the state of Alabama? Also true. Probably.
Subway smells delicious when you're walking by it. It seems like a good value and a healthy alternative, so you duck inside. A minute later, you're staring at a dead-eyed "sandwich artist" with questionable facial hair, humorlessly slapping cold cuts onto spongy bread and squirting a half-pound of mayo out of a tri-tipped bottle.
The Toronto Raptors are Bakers Square
Have you ever been driving in a new place and all of a sudden you see a Bakers Square that's still open for business? "Holy crap," you might say to yourself, "I didn't even realize that Bakers Square was still around!"
Then you drive past it and you realize it has literally been years since you've been cognizant that Bakers Square ever existed. You will immediately push it out of your mind until a couple of years later, when the exact same thing happens again.
That is the Toronto Raptors. Unless someone is actively playing them, they do not actually exist. If not for the rollerblading Raptors mascot GIF, I would be thoroughly convinced the team was merely some elaborate hoax perpetrated by the NBA. Perhaps as a request in Andy Kaufman's last will and testament.
The Dallas Cowboys are Denny's
Denny's, much like Cowboys fans, are everywhere. People love being able to get a Grand Slam breakfast for $3. I don't think anything says "eggs, bacon and toast for $3" more than America's team. Also, ordering a sandwich called a "Super Bird" and being served two slices of chicken cold cuts with mayo on toast is the most Tony Romo thing I can think of.
Look, we've all had fun hanging out with our friends at 3 a.m. at a Denny's. That doesn't mean you should do it every night. Man cannot live on Moons Over My Hammy alone, everyone.
The New York Knicks are T.G.I. Friday's
What the hell is T.G.I. Friday's trying to be? They've got antiques on the wall and a menu featuring an entire section of stuff cooked in or dragged through Jack Daniel's. They seem to be trying to provide family entertainment, but they have an extremely hefty drinks menu and clearly want you to get blind piss drunk while you're there. They have absolutely no idea what direction they're supposed to be heading in.
The more you start looking at the menu, the more disconcerted you get. Is this a streak with cheese all over it? What are you even doing?
The Los Angeles Dodgers are In-N-Out
It's only good if you're from here.
The Atlanta Braves are Five Guys
The Braves (or Barves, if you're nasty) are pretty analogous to the ubiquitous burger chain. It's high-quality stuff that inspires legions of die-hard fans, but the praise of the chain always comes in relation to other, just-as-popular regional chains and is permeated by an air of unnecessarily smug superiority. The advocates will defend it with such fervor that you may lose sight of one thing: We're talking about a hamburger here, everyone. Dial it down a notch.
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are Hometown Buffet
Keep going back all you want; the only thing you're ever going to get out of it is diarrhea.