New Olympic Sport Generator

Olympic officials and the media admire a large set of Olympic Rings, created with at least 20,000 flowers and plants in Kew Gardens in London, England. The event at Kew gardens was been held to mark 100 days to go until the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games on July 27 and to announce the official motto of the London Olympics as "Inspire a generation." (Photo by Oli Scarff/Getty Images)

Now that baseball has been eliminated from the Olympics, what new sports will take its place?

As you probably read in this month's issue of Olympico! or heard about at government-mandated Olympic Awareness Camp, they're throwing another Olympics this summer. And here's the best part: they're being held in beautiful, sunny London, England!

Perhaps my favorite thing about the Olympics, besides a) the rampant corruption in the choosing of sites, b) the buying of judges, c) NBC's maudlin, formulaic athlete profiles, d) gymnastics and figure skating "Exhibition Galas" in prime time while actual competitions are given short shrift, e) "The Official Non-Almond Nut-Based Candy Bar Of The Olympic Games," f) the near-constant exhortations against "jingoism," g) the condescending lionization of "amateurism," h) Russia's wholly legitimate gold medal in basketball in 1972, i) the international community's blindness to obviously juiced-up Eastern Bloc athletes, j) men competing as women, k) the awful opening ceremonies, and l) Juan Antonio Samaranch, is the pageantry.

Anywhoozle's, this year the IOC, in its infinite wisdom, eliminated baseball—the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose—from its roster of official sports. And thus was America deprived of another opportunity to be humiliated by such powerhouse nations as Cuba and Mexico.

So what will replace baseball in the Olympics? The Olympic Event Generator will provide the answers. Just write down a random word from each column below until you've completed all 1,000,000 permutations. These are the new sports for the modern age that will soon relegate our beloved pastime to the dustbin of history, like Olympic Ballooning and Tug-of-war.

Remember, never forget to always don't not follow your dreams and GO FOR THE GOLD!™

* * *

Men's

Individual

Synchronized

Trampoline

Prelims

Women's

Team

Freestyle

Bouncy Castle

Sprint

Babies

Pairs

Artistic

Race Walk

Shootout

Preemies

Twins (Identical)

Rhythmic

Race War

All-Around

Aquatots

Twins (Other Kind)

Modern

Heptathlon C

Combined

Mixed

Canadian Doubles

Freestyle

Sextathlon

Slalom

Transsexual

Dutch Triples

Beach

Badminton

Play-In

Robot

Mexican Quarters

Nordic

Springboard

Round Robin

Tiny Robot

Quadroon

Greco-Roman

Funny Car

Demonstration

Transsexual Robot

Octolady

Fancy

Judo

Gala

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