Lesnar Is More: Brock Wins Main Event At SummerSlam

SummerSlam 2012 Review: SB Nation Crowns Our Own Champions

Sunday's SummerSlam pay-per-view was a wild affair that captured our imaginations ... and our hearts. The existing title belts in the WWE are so bland. "World Heavyweight Champion," "Tag Team Champion." What does that even MEAN? Those of us who had the pleasure of liveblogging the event have decided to crown our own champions based on the evening's events.

Congratulations to these inaugural title-holders on their hard-earned victories.

Spencer Hall: Interstate Paracontinental Trollverture Unlimited Heavyweight Championship: Awarded to CM Punk for being everything John Cena is not. Punk sold his moves like kabuki, mushroom stomped off the back of The Big Show like an 8-bit plumber, and aped John Cena's "you can't see me" gesture before rushing into the ring in a pink mankini and stealing his three-way fight with Cena and the Show. He did all of this while wearing Lemmy Kilmeister's sideburns, too. CM Punk is both the antihero this nation deserves and needs.

He is also not John Cena. Let's remember how important this fact is. CM Punk is the wrestler who writes jokes and tributes into his ring routines, has a sense of humor, breaks the fourth wall routinely, and clearly embraces both the camp and the deep skill set of wrestling. The sport is junk food, but junk food is its own weird art, and CM Punk is its current resident mashup genius.

John Cena, meanwhile, is a human Subway BMT: fine if you like the BMT, but boring as hell. He gets no championships and no awards for his performance tonight, or any night.

Jason Kirk: TaxSlayer.com Mercenary Championship, Presented By Hertz: To the man bested at loquaciousness by his own trunks, Bork "Brock Lesnar" Laser himself. He's scary because he's good at actual sports, you see. He's basically a continuance of the '80s tradition of occupation-themed wrestlers (The Model! The Clown! The Barber!), and if he'd arrived 25 years earlier, he'd be called The Discover Rewards Cage Fighter, brought to you by AirTran.

Lesnar is a bad guy, as best shown by Triple H apologizing to the fans for losing to him. Nobody ever knows whether Triple H is a bad guy or not, so the crowd had to collect itself before realizing it was being handed a script to read. Thank you for your service, Triple H.

Lesnar's an outsider, as made very clear by the advertisements that cover literally everything he wears, down to his mouthpiece (no, the one covering his teeth, not Paul Heyman). Nobody else advertises anything but the WWE. He's a ringer and a rent-a-monster, and while so far his guest run has largely been used like most other things to just make Triple H look awesome, he's also the only convincing terror the show has right now.

Bill Hanstock: Pandimensional Rick Rude Memorial Lothario Championship: This award goes -- as it only could -- to the incomparable Dolph Ziggler, who took his gimmick to a whole new level on Sunday with something as simple as adding a zipper to his spandex trunks. How brilliant is that? That is a confident dude, my friends. These are not full-length tights. His ring gear is tantamount to "sparkly tighty whiteys." And he put a zipper on that crud, man. There isn't a smirk in the world big enough to encapsulate how inconspicuously lewd that is.

Congrats to you, Mr. Ziggler. And everyone else, give this man a wide berth when you're walking down the street. This man knows things and has done things that you may not be fully ready to think about. Better to just recline with a nice book for a while. I'll tell you all about Dolph Ziggler when you're older.

Check out this StoryStream for a full SummerSlam liveblog, including results, GIFs and jokes! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

The Drama Of Brock Lesnar Vs. Triple H ... In GIF Form

SummerSlam is in the books and what a roller-coaster of emotions that main event was! Brock Lesnar and Triple H gave it their all in the ring. In Triple H's case, perhaps he ultimately gave ... his career?

The match started with INTENSE EMOTIONS. Triple H was ready, revolving around and around in preparation for the big fight.

Lesnar was also feeling emotions. Like ... maybe he had a tummy ache. Or dropped his ice cream. Either way, his face did this:

But in the end, Lesnar was able to pick up the win by forcing Triple H to tap out, by locking in a kimura on the left arm that he "broke" several months back.

In one corner of the ring, there was elation. Paul Heyman could scarcely believe the miraculous victory.

However, the defeated knew only one thing. Triple H knew only sorrow. Or maybe drunkenness.

Triple H took a long, slow walk out of the ring and up the ramp. He seemed to be fighting back tears. Could this truly be the end for Hunter Hearst Helmsley?

"Don't cry for me, WWE Universe. I'm already dead."

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs, jokes or whatever else we can think of. For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: Brock Lesnar Forces Triple H To Tap Out

In the main event of SummerSlam at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, Brock Lesnar emerged victorious, forcing Triple H to tap out to the kimura lock. The match featured two big beefy dudes completely whaling on each other for minutes on end and stretched Triple H's 2012 streak of "matches being better than they have any right to be" to two.

Lesnar basically spent the first half of the match beating the absolute piss out of Triple H (technical term). Triple H regrouped and they spent some time trading finishing moves before Brock sunk in the kimura for the submission victory.

This match also featured one of the best moments ever, as Brock plastered Triple H with one spectacular rabbit punch straight to the back of the skull. Really cleaned his leathery orange clock.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

Brock Lesnar's Mouthpiece Reminds You To Enjoy Jimmy John's Sandwiches Today

Pro wrestler Brock Lesnar's thing is dressing up like a MMA guy, which means wearing a bunch of ads all over his trunks. Cannot WAIT for there to be a NASCAR wrestler, who'll completely trounce Lesnar in total ads-per-body part.

For the time being, though, Lesnar urges you to shield your mouth from injury the satisfaction-guaranteed way: by smearing a half-pound of Jimmy John's turkey right onto your teeth.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

Bork Laser: Master Of Emotions

Brock Lesnar is one of the most popular MMA fighters of all time. He embarked on that career after finding huge success in professional wrestling at a young age. Now he's back in the WWE, and it's easy to see why he draws such attention.

I mean, with expressive acting chops like this, who can step to him?

Someone cast this man in the "Black Dynamite" sequel immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Or, if nothing else, get him a starring role on "Days of Our Lives."

"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mrs. Deveraux. Your husband has ..."

"... double vision."

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs, jokes and whatever else we can think of. For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

For Some Reason, SummerSlam Has An Official Song

SummerSlam, for some reason, has an official song. Kevin Rudolf's "Don't Give Up," is available on Cash Money Records, and is also proof that Vince McMahon recently lost a large sum of money to Baby in a poker game, and is a bit short on liquid funds right now so hey you wanna get your boy on camera?. Being "an official song of something," it was "bland, but also somehow terrible and overlong even at the 30-second mark."

The announcers liked it, because they have to like it.

The crowd, however, did not. Neither did singer Kevin Rudolf, either, who got winded before the end of the song, and fell asleep mid-verse.

GOTTA WORK THAT CARDIO NEXT TIME, BRO. The band gamely finished through the coda, and then Rudolf was thrown off the stage by a still-enraged Alberto Del Rio.

Infinite H

Who's going to win? Triple H.

This is the correct pairing of question and answer to be exchanged before and after every pro wrestling match, no matter who's involved.

Triple H always wins. That Triple H's day job is deciding who wins and loses may not even be relevant here. All that matters is ... well, here, let me show you:

You now understand pro wrestling.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

CM Punk, The Only Villain We'll Ever Need

Everything you need to know about CM Punk in a single image: watch as he takes ferocious delight in fouling up the plans of walking movie tie-in John Cena, then pays howling-eyed tribute to Randy Savage, a man this all is so very beneath.

I love CM Punk.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: CM Punk Retains WWE Championship In Triple Threat Match

CM Punk is in the midst of a 200-plus-day-long WWE Championship title reign. After SummerSlam on Sunday, it will be at least one day longer. The Triple Threat match between Punk, Big Show and John Cena ended in controversial fashion before WWE General Manager AJ restarted the contest, which led to Punk stealing the pin and retaining his title.

Punk and Cena both locked in submission holds on Big Show at the same time. Big Show tapped out, although there was no clear winner. AJ restarted the match and after a short back-and-forth, Cena hit an Attitude Adjustment on Big Show. Punk then threw Cena out of the ring and stole the pinfall on Big Show.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

CM Punk Is Super Mario And The Big Show Is But His Goomba

Hey! It's-a me! CM Punk!

/warp whistle

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

The Big Show Is Sending Mixed Signals

The Big Show is a massive, massive dude with a big bushy goatee. He wears a skullcap that kind of makes him look like a big ... uh ... well, it ain't flattering. Let's just say that. So when he wears a shirt like this:

There's a chance that it may be sending SOME of the wrong signals to SOME of the wrong people. UNLESS, of course ... he's trying to send the RIGHT signals to the RIGHT people. If you know what I mean. Ahem. Wink.

Now we don't really know the state of Big Show's natural body hair -- it could be a veritable forest down there -- but he should maybe be more careful about his iconography. Unless he's trying to be loud and proud, in which case let your freak flag fly, big fella.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, PLEASE for the love of god, don't do a Google image search for "bear" with the safety filters off.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: Kofi Kingston, R-Truth Retain Tag Team Titles

It appears as though the Prime Time Players were ...

/puts on shades

... not ready for prime time.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Reigning Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston and R-Truth were able to retain their titles by defeating the Prime Time Players of Darius Young and Titus O'Neil. The four gentlemen wrestled for a while and then stopped wrestling at the end, after the champs scored a pinfall.

Sadly, the Prime Time Players were not accompanied by manager Abraham Washington, who was of course fired for telling inapproriate jokes on Twitter. I hope the SB Nation higher-ups never find out about my Twitter feed, where I make inappropriate jokes about Droz.

The most important thing about this match was afterward, when a video package highlighted charity work by WWE Superstars and featured a soundbite from Joe Buck, of all people. The only man in America more disingenuous than pro wrestling.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: Sheamus Retains World Heavyweight Title Thanks To The Irish Curse

Sheamus is still the World Heavyweight Champion. Alberto Del Rio tried to resort to trickery -- trickery most foul! -- but it backfired. A big move from Sheamus and a flagrant display of shoddy officiating cost Del Rio a chance to win the belt.

Del Rio got frustrated toward the end of his match and slapped around his valet, Ricardo Rodriguez.

In the ensuing confusion, Ricardo tried to throw his show to Del Rio. Sheamus caught the shoe and hit Del Rio with it.

Then Sheamus hit Del Rio with his signature backbreaker, which is called "The Irish Curse," because he hits you so hard you get a really small weiner.

Del Rio was able to get his foot on the ropes, but the referee just plain duff'd it and counted three, awarding the decision to Sheamus.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: The Miz Retains Intercontinental Title By Defeating Rey Mysterio

The Miz and Rey Mysterio fought over the Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam on Sunday, which neither guy really needs. Mysterio was making his return to pay-per-view after massively failing like an entire battery of drug tests being "injured" for a while, but was unable to capture the title here. He fell victim to the Skull Crushing Finale and was pinned as Miz successfully defended the belt.

The only real story here was that Mysterio came out dressed like Batman, which was a move that I totally successfully called in my SummerSlam preview. It's hard to take credit though, since Rey Mysterio is like the easiest-to-predict wrestler of all time. He's also 3'2.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

Rey Mysterio As Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, But Not Very Far

Tiny acrobat Rey Mysterio likes to dress up as superheroes. Some day he should dress up as that guy on the one season of the Real World that everybody watched who got the mean hot girl to partake in a rassling match somehow, because that guy was a true superhero. Oh wait, he just lost to that guy right now. The Miz really is pretty neat.

Here's Mysterio entering his SummerSlam match dressed up as Batman, albeit with a question mark on his chest like the Riddler and a cross on his forehead like ummm Shawn Michaels and a crown on his back like uhhh Triple H. He's mostly Batman, but kind of just a big DX fan with excellent radio reception on his head.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

Daniel Bryan Predicts The 2012 NFL Season

Hey Daniel, will the Jets make it to the AFC Championship Game this season?

Will Chad Johnson land with another team this year?

Will Terrell Owens make more than one touchdown reception?

Will the Cincinnati Bengals have less than 15 arrests before the postseason?

Will we go the entire season without hearing Brett Favre might come back for one more try?

100% medically accurate.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

Dolph Ziggler Believes He Can Fly, Touch Sky

Fly away, Dolph Ziggler. Be free. Chris Jericho's finishing move is one of the least practical in the history of any real or imagined martial art, but once he manages to get you in it you will flap your arm like a hungover man desperately trying to stop the bleating of his alarm clock. Be advised: if you make a lucky fortune cat that is just Dolph Ziggler waving his arm in this exact position, I will buy it right now for any price.

SummerSlam Results: Daniel Bryan Defeats Kane With His Small Package

Sometimes, a small package can be a great thing. Especially in wrestling. Daniel Bryan won his match against Kane at SummerSlam with the smallest package you've ever seen. That thing was microscopic.

For a while, Bryan looked like he was in trouble against Kane, as he jumped off the top rope for a flying headbutt and landed in a chokeslam. But when Kane went for the kill, Bryan whipped out his small package. Kane was powerless before it.

For those of you who are familiar with college football but unfamiliar with pro wrestling (by which I mean, "for fans of Stanford football"), Kane is like the "Nike Pro Combat" version of the Undertaker. You know: crummy and disrespectful.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

The Duality Of Daniel Bryan, Binary Wrestler

Sometimes Daniel Bryan says YES, but now he says NO. He often gets into arguments with audience members, arguments which have no hope of finding any sort of middle ground, such as MAYBE.

That's his character. He's Daniel Bryan.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Results: Chris Jericho Asserts Dominance Over Dolph Ziggler

Chris Jericho overcame severely taped ribs to defeat Dolph Ziggler at SummerSlam on Sunday. Even though Jericho's ribs were taped to the maximum extent allowable by the athletic commissioner, he was still able to survive everything Ziggler threw at him and made the pretender to the throne tap out to the Lion Tamer. Or Walls of Jericho. Whatever we're calling it now. (It was totally the Lion Tamer, though.)

Jericho's taped ribs were certainly a concern during the match, since "taped ribs" is the most severe wrestling injury you can possibly suffer. He got kicked in the tape, punched in that tape, you name it. Still, he was able to overcome all tape-focused offense and gut it out for a well-deserved win.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

At SummerSlam, We Are All Replacement Referees

From relocating the Atlanta Falcons to Arizona to getting all the rules of football wrong to seeing the high priest of their order choked out by Tony Siragusa, referees are not having a great August. And no zebras are more endangered than those cowering on the plains of pro wrestling.

Tonight, officials will be clubbed, tazed, chaired, and probably replaced by Shawn Michaels for most of the matches eventually.

Oh yes, there will be replacement refs. The backstage at any wrestling event is actually just a line of human fodder stretching all the way to the merch table, all clad in the world's most thankless and helpless black and white.

NFL referee, you lack the heart required to stand on a box and stare into Triple H's eyes and thus learn the true meaning of expendability.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of! For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Is Serious Business, Y'All

You wanna know how serious SummerSlam is, man? BREAKIN'-ARMS SERIOUS, THAT'S HOW.

OH NO MY FRIEND'S ARM, YOU MONSTER.

Pop quiz: The person in the snapshot there: Triple H or Rip Torn? The answer may surprise you!

Brock Lesnar's SummerSlam Poster Encourages You To See A Doctor

Brock Lesnar leads WWE's SummerSlam poster. It is a bold choice to depict a man receiving a prostate exam as the defining image of an event, but the WWE has never been about playing it safe or easy. Lesnar, like all avid outdoorsmen, receives his prostate exams only in a driving rainstorm, and only from licensed medical professionals.

SummerSlam Results: Antonio Cesaro Defeats Santino Marella To Become New U.S. Champion

SummerSlam is already off and running on Sunday night. A title has changed hands before the pay-per-view has even begun. On the pre-show, Antonio Cesaro defeated Santino Marella to capture the United States championship.

Marella tried to get fired up for the match.

He also tried to invoke the spirit of the 2012 Olympics with a passionate racewalk to the ring.

Unfortunately, both Santino and his glorious mullet came up short. Cesaro even had the audacity to tear up the precious Cobra sock. Marella had a backup sock stored in his butt, but was unable to hit his finisher. Cesaro hit the "Neutralizer" (because he's Swiss) and picked up the win.

If you understood the above paragraph, it's time for all of us to reevaluate things.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of!

For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

WWE SummerSlam 2012: Watch Pre-Show Live Online

Sunday's WWE SumerSlam pay-per-view is almost here. The live event from the Staples Center in Los Angeles will air only on pay-per-view beginning at 8 p.m. ET, but WWE is offering a free title match for free beforehand, which you can watch live, online on YouTube or Facebook.

The free match will have Santino Marella defending his title live against challenger Antonio Cesaro. Will Cesaro make a splash and win his first WWE title? Or will Santino put a sock on his arm and poke Cesaro in the chest and cause him to fall over for the loss? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

You can watch the pre-show at YouTube.com/WWE beginning at 7:30 p.m. ET.

Make sure to stay tuned to this StoryStream for a full liveblog of Sunday night's event, including results, GIFs and jokes! Or whatever else we can think of!

For all news and information regarding the world of professional wrestling, please visit Cageside Seats.

SummerSlam Preview: 9 Things You Need To Know

The WWE's SummerSlam is almost upon us. Find the full card right here and learn about what will make the event so ... uh ... special.