We resolve to not sell Stephan El Shaarawy to Paris Saint-Germain. Primarily because Massimiliano Allegri plans to field only the Little Pharoh for the final 20 matches of the seasons. He said something about it being just as effective, and much less of an injury risk for the players added to the "For Sale" list.
We resolve to continue as is until "Zemenlandia" is included in the Oxford English Dictionary. But if we must change something, we'll work on Pablo Osvaldo's temper, ok?
I, Guglielmo Stendardo resolve to never again make such an egregious error as I made when requesting time off to sit my law exam. And I certainly will not make the mistake of representing the club the next time it faces accusations of match-fixing.
We resolve to keep demolishing the European dreams of higher-placed clubs.
I, Mauricio Pinilla, resolve to score a goal that is not taken from the penalty spot.
We resolve to field at least one non-Argentine per match.
We resolve to play for a win every once in awhile, so that poor neutral observers forced to write about our matches don't spend 90+ minutes thinking of the best method by which to tear out their eyeballs.
We resolve to wrap Stevan Jovetic in a layer of cotton wool, then a layer of plastic bubbles, then dip him in cotton candy, then sit him inside a panic room to which only Vincenzo Montella knows the code. Montella will open the door only on match days -- no training for Jojo! -- at which point he will be placed inside a lectica and hoisted atop the shoulders of Stefan Savic, Gonzalo Rodríguez, Nenad Tomovic and Facundo Roncaglia to be taken down the tunnel and deposited safely upon the pitch.
We, the players, resolve to hand over our shirts the next time the fans request it, as it's evident none of us are actually fit to wear the rossoblu kit.
We resolve to allow Wesley Sneijder to go free to a good home. Well, not free. His new club will have to pay for his constant infusion of pain medication.
We resolve to go quietly about our business, keeping our minds focused on the scudetto and the Champions League, refusing to engage in debates about 28 vs 30, the quality of refereeing, or other such nonsense. In order to accomplish this, we resolve to stop that silly media blackout nonsense and speak softly but firmly on the quality of our football.
We resolve to win at least one league match without the help of Miroslav Klose. What? Stop laughing!
I, Walter Mazzarri, resolve to never, ever, use Gokhan Inler, Blerim Dzemaili and Valon Behrami as part of a six-man midfield when Edu Vargas is available up front. And also to stop pulling that ridiculous "get myself thrown out" trick. It's no longer amusing, and I know that.
We resolve to play a dreadlocked scarecrow in place of Amauri, just to see if anyone notices. But first Roberto Donadoni will need to take out an injunction against the Brazilian, so that those humiliating photographs won't be published.
We resolve to send Cristiano Bergodi on a training course to learn Icelandic, Portuguese, Slovak, Swedish, Serbo-Croat, Danish, and Spanish. Perhaps then some of these talented players would be able to show off some of their skills.
We resolve to never again hire a manager who routinely wears baseball caps while prowling the sidelines.
We resolve to give up on the whole Maxi Lopez idea and come to terms with the fact that he's simply a chimera, a football illusion created to encourage the flow of money across state lines.
We resolve to take the Champions League seriously the next time we reach the tournament, and not sell off so many players that our own supporters can no longer recognize who on the pitch are part of the zebrette.