January is terrible. Christmas is over. Football is over the vast majority of us. All we have going is college and pro basketball. Sure, that's fine, but no one pays attention to the college game until after Valentine's Day and the pros don't get exciting until the playoffs. Happily though, the NHL has decided to stop slapfighting for 3 months, sort their stacks of pennies in a pile that is suitable to both owners and players, and get back to the ice. No one is happier about this than our neighbors to the north, Canada. This also lets me make the number one item people have asked me to make over the last few months. Yes, I've made poutine. For those who don't know, poutine is basically french fries, gravy, and cheese curds. Let's get started, shall we?
STEP 1: Find some potato chips. Sure, we could get some store bought oven fries. And that'd be...okay. But some of us broke our ovens and now have to turn it on with pliers and a sacrifice to Lord Whirlpool for ignition. So we're making our own.
Say, Hot Dog style sounds pretty fancy! I wonder how they compressed all that hot dog paste into little discs like that.
STEP 2: Put the chips in a bag and beat the bag with a stick.
FOODTIP: The smaller the pieces the better. We want oily chip dust! Fried sand! We want to be able to mix it with Pixie Stix and snort a potato!
STEP 3: After thoroughly crushing it, we'll mix in our bonding agent: Reddi Whip!
Spray the whole can of whipped cream into the bag. You may need to do this in several steps, to let the chips absorb the sugary oil.
STEP 4: Once you've got a big doughy ball, you'll want to break off a small piece at a time and squish it between your knuckles (Maybe wash your hands first! We don't want to be frying up all that accumulated keyboard sweat!). Lay it out on a paper towel and admire your work.
STEP 5: Begin frying each one. You may accidently start a grease fire or splatter oil all over the kitchen. Don't do that.
Those look delicious, don't they? Don't worry, they're not! Your guests won't know until it's too late. This is probably why no one ever comes to our parties.
STEP 6: Next up is the gravy. For this, we'll use Canada's second greatest
stereotype accomplishment: Maple Syrup. Go to your nearest maple tree, and turn on the little spigot. Collect what comes out into a cup and dump it into a pot. We'll also use some torn up dried beef, because gravy has to have meat in it somewhere.
STEP 7: Set that on the back of the stove and forget about it until we're done. It's time to prepare the best part of poutine: the cheese curds! Let's add in a little special hockey-themed ingredient to start:
Just toss a whole mess of those into another pot with fire under it on the stove. Make sure to break them up with whatever you're using to stir. Because I'm a fancy internet chef, I use a spatula. But you can use anything you want, including paint stirrers, baseball bats, fly swatters, or whatever else you have lying around. Do not use a cat.
STEP 8: Next up, we'll add some creamy ingredients to our sauce for the cheese. Start with some frosting!
STEP 9: Mix the frosting into the melted fudgepucks. Let it smooth out and get warm so it's easier to stir.
STEP 10: Now you may start to realize that this is a bit on the sweet side of things. We may need to balance out all of this sugar with something else a bit more...miraculous. And whippy.
STEP 11: Don't be afraid to use as much of this as your chocolatey spatula will allow you to pull out. The next time a roommate goes for a sandwich, imagine his merriment at mint frosting drizzle all over the inside of the Miracle Whip. He'll be sure to let you know how happy he is!
STEP 12: Don't think I've forgotten about cheese. We could use old standbys here, Cheez-its, Cheese Nips, or handcrafted artisanal Brie wheels, but let's use GOLDFISH instead! Goldfish are happy and half of them have smiles on them!
HOW DOES THE GOLDFISH KEEP HIS SHADES ON WITH NO EARS
STEP 13: Pour in at least half of the bag of Goldfish. This will create that lumpy, cheesy consistency we're looking for.
STEP 14: Lastly, it's time to plate the food (cooking jargon!). Find a plate (clean) and arrange the fries around it. Remember to turn off all the fire, you won't need it any more until next week.
STEP 15: Here's where it all comes together. Pour the gravy on top of the french fries, and then the cheese curds on top of that. Place two Tangballs on the side and drizzle Internet Paste on it. Show this to your nearest Canadian and bask in their immediate praise. Welcome back, hockey!