The entirety of the AFC South lost, as the Panthers slid into sole command of second place in the diision at a dominating 2-3, and the entire NFC East has only one more win than the Chiefs. Everything you thought you knew is a lie, so put these goggles on and let's start cutting up the bodies.
Buffalo 24, Cincinnati 27
Time of Death: Six minutes into overtime, Buffalo punted from its own 11 and gave up a 29 yard return to Brandon Tate. That allowed Marvin Lewis to call three run plays and kick a field goal, because Marvin Lewis is the Big Ten Coach of the Year, every year.
Cause of Death: Andy Dalton has a passionate, near-pornographic love affair with Week 6 games, in which he has a collective 982 yards, seven touchdowns, and a completion rate of nearly 70 percent. You were merely victims of timing, Buffalo. Timing ... and eroticism.
Cleveland 17, Detroit 31
Time of Death: Brandon Weeden's interception with the Browns driving down seven points in the final two minutes confirmed two things: a Cleveland loss, and that your Brian Hoyer-less world is without joy of any meaningful sort.
Cause of Death: Cleveland led this game by 10 at the half. Here is the farthest each of Cleveland's first four drives went after that point -- their own 29, their own 26, their own 32 and their own 34. By contrast, Detroit's first four second-half drives ended thusly -- touchdown, interception at the Cleveland 28, touchdown, field goal from the Cleveland 33. Really Browns'd it, Browns.
Oakland 7, Kansas City 24
Time of Death: First-and-10 at the 50 yard line in the fourth quarter of a one-score game should be a good thing. Somehow, it turned into this:
Cause of Death: When you throw the ball 30-plus times and don't even manage 130 yards, you shouldn't win -- since 2003, teams in that sad category have only gone 23-143. So how did Kansas City get the victory? After Oakland scored first on a 39-yard touchdown to Denarius Moore, the Chiefs defense held the Raiders to 54 total yards on their next NINE drives, the longest of which only went 16 yards. That's basically assisted suicide.
Minnesota 10, Carolina 35
Time of Death: On the third play of the second half, Cam Newton hit Brandon LaFell for a 79-yard touchdown and the Vikings still had Matt Cassel.
Cause of Death: Drives against Minnesota's defense are equally likely to end in a touchdown as a punt, and it turns out allowing 31 percent of drives you face to conclude in seven points is not a great way to win games. Excluding kneel downs, Carolina doubled that already troubling rate, scoring touchdowns on five of their eight possessions.
New York Jets 6, Pittsburgh 19
Time of Death: Fieldgoalpalooza, the nation's softest rock music festival, ended abruptly when Emmanuel Sanders hauled in a 55-yard touchdown reception 2:30 into the second half. This is a family event, Mr. Sanders, and we'll ask you to stick to field goals and Fogelberg.
Cause of Death: The Jets weren't totally ineffective on offense, as six of their 11 drives made it into Pittsburgh territory, but, because life is like Mortal Kombat, what matters is how you finish, and two punts, two field goals and two interceptions leave you getting your soul sucked out by Shang Tsung.
Tampa Bay 20, Philadelphia 31
Time of Death: With roughly 8:30 left to play and the Eagles leading by eight, Mike Glennon was sacked at his own 10-yard line, probably because he's addicted to Afrin, per Not Greg Schiano.
Cause of Death: Have you scored a touchdown in the second half of an NFL game this year? No? Congratulations! You have something in common with the Bucs, the only team in the NFL with that miserable distinction. This is a big reason why the Bucs have led at halftime of four of their five games, yet still have zero wins, which surely can't be a reflection on the terrible coaching staff. Goodness, no:
Baltimore 17, Green Bay 19
Time of Death: Baltimore's defense needed to stop Green Bay on third-and-3 from the Packer 27. Baltimore's defense instead allowed Aaron Rodgers to find Jermichael Finley for 52 yards. Of note? Baltimore's defense features ZERO Joe Flacco, and is therefore not elite.
Cause of Death: The Ravens have no running game whatsoever this season, finishing with a paltry 47 yards on 22 rushing attempts. That left Baltimore with an average of 10.9 yards to gain on third downs, which, in case you're just joining us, is more than the 10 yards you start out having to gain.
Houston 13, St. Louis 38
Time of Death: The Rams scored on their first possession of the second half to take an 18-point lead. That wasn't ideal, but it got much, much worse when the Texans fumbled the subsequent kickoff and allowed St. Louis to recover the ball and score another touchdown.
Cause of Death: In the entirety of 2012, Houston's defense gave up just 10 touchdown drives when opponents started at or inside their own 20-yard line, good for best in the league. COD: 2012 Texans gave up 10 TD drives when opponent started at or inside own 20. The 2013 Texans gave up two such touchdowns in this game, raising their total on the season to eight, tied for fifth-worst in the league.
Jacksonville 19, Denver 35
Time of Death: Down just nine points early in the fourth quarter, Jacksonville's fate was in the hands of Chad Henne. Chad Henne promptly threw Jacksonville's fate into triple coverage, where Kayvon Webster picked it off.
Cause of Death: Considering the Jaguars defense had a pretty nice day overall, there wasn't a lot of action in the backfield, where the Jags had just three tackles for loss and no sacks. Getting to the quarterback is one of Jacksonville's many problems this year, as their 4.7-percent sack percentage sits near the bottom of the league. (Please don't list the rest of Jacksonville's problems in the comments. There's so much more to live for.)
Tennessee 13, Seattle 20
Time of Death: Needing to stop the Seahawks on a third-and-4 with less than two minutes remaining, the Titans jumped offsides and never got the ball back on offense.
Cause of Death: Of course, getting the ball back on offense probably wouldn't have been fun or productive, since 86 percent of the yards gained by Tennessee depended on Ryan Fitzpatrick. Even Buffalo learned not to depend on Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tennessee. Even Buffalo.
New Orleans 27, New England 30
Time of Death: SEVEN TO BRADY O'CLAWCK
Cause of Death: Maybe we're focusing too much on it, but it's still sort of staggering how big it was for the Pats to shut down Jimmy Graham. In his last 39 games before this one, Graham had at least recorded 50 receiving yards or a touchdown in 36 of them. Tom Brady is the NFL's greatest defensive coordinator.
Arizona 20, San Francisco 32
Time of Death: With six minutes left to go, down two scores, the Cardinals gave Alfonso Smith his first (and only) touch of the game. He fumbled it, and maybe that's why you didn't give Alfonso Smith touches before that, Arizona. Trust your first instinct, just like on the SAT.
Cause of Death: The Niners turned two fumbles and two interceptions on defense into one touchdown and three field goals on offense. The Cardinals, on the other hand, turned a fumble and an interception into negative-two points. This is entirely consistent with the play of both teams this season; San Francisco has turned 83 percent of defensive turnovers into a score, and Arizona has only done so 42 percent of the time..
Washington 16, Dallas 31
Time of Death: Facing a one-score deficit, Robert Griffin the Turd (MUST PAY ME ROYALTIES TO USE THAT, PETE PRISCO) fumbled the ball away on his own 4-yard line with 9:30 left, and the Cowboys scored a touchdown two plays later.
Cause of Death: Washington gave up a punt return touchdown, a 90-yard kick return that set up another touchdown, and missed a FG. This may explain why special teams coordinator Keith Burns doesn't even get a photo on his team profile page.
Indianapolis 9, San Diego 19
Time of Death: Backed up and needing a 91-yard drive to tie the game with 4:27 to play, a drop, a penalty and a pass short of the line to gain forced the Colts to punt the ball back to the Chargers, who chewed up about half the remaining time and kicked a field goal to go up by 10.
Cause of Death: San Diego had four consecutive drives of eleven plays or more, which collectively ran over 29 minutes off the game clock and limited Indianapolis to a scant 48 plays on the evening. That's the lowest total for the Colts since drafting Andrew Luck, who is still, thankfully for him, not Philip Rivers:
I bet he writes scripture citations in the place where you're supposed to add the tip in on a restaurant bill.