The Houston Texans have, as a franchise, had more downs than ups during their brief existence as a franchise — three winning seasons, two brief visits to the playoffs, and
one postseason win two postseason wins in 11 years of existence, the existence of what can only be termed The Dom Capers Era, and the moderately defensible assertion that Sage Rosenfels remains the most entertaining quarterback ever to play for the team.
That this season is shaping up as one of the franchise's most frustrating since The David Carr Blues Explosion had a Sunday residence at Reliant Stadium is in part because of the harrowing collapse of quarterback Matt Schaub, who is clearly living out one of your sadder John Cassavetes movies in his every on-field moment, and maybe doing worse off it. But it owes mostly to the fact that this team should be good. Houston has one of the more talented defenses in the NFL and an offense that promised at least baseline competence. They even had a decent anthem to call their own, thanks to Houston superfans Slim Thug, Paul Wall and Z-Ro.
Instead, the team is 2-4, key contributors are physically and emotionally injured, and everything is going wrong. Wrong enough, in fact, that there is some noise to the effect that the team should sign Texas quarterbacking legend/presently underemployed person Vince Young.
This is not noise in the sense of sparsely attended parking lot protests, as is the case with another, notably more thumbheaded unemployed former college star. Some of it is coming from Young himself. But, in this most recent case, it is noise that sounds notably like Billy Joel's (appalling) 1977 hit "Only The Good Die Young." You can see the synchronicity, there. Because Vince Young's last name is "Young" and because the song — which is actually fairly witty and performed, by an anonymous artist billed only as "composerguy" on the site where his song is available for download, by a man with a clear, solid singing voice — will make you want to die. I've uploaded the song to Soundcloud so you can hear it, and I'm really sorry about doing that.
Again, none of this is necessarily composerguy's fault, or none of it beyond the baseline offense of the song's existence in the first place. For a generation of people, Billy Joel's jaunty smuggery and the baffling adulation that has been his reward for it is one of the greater musical crimes of all time — imagine T.J. Yates heaving one pick-six after another while Jon Gruden enthuses about how beautiful and authentic it all is. "I call him The Piano Man," Jon Gruden growls, as some safety returns another wounded quail 88 yards for a score, "because he makes the game sing." That is Billy Joel's wildly successful decades-spanning career, give or take some DUI arrests.
While it's tough to fault composerguy for his lyrics or delivery — again, mostly fine — or even his wish to watch Vince Young play quarterback instead of T.J. Yates, his decision to bring Billy Joel into it is unforgivable. If the Texans don't sign Vince Young, composerguy may wind up blaming himself, and he probably shouldn't — much of the responsibility for that will be Vince Young's, honestly.
But while we might do well to pause for a moment and be glad that composerguy didn't go the "We Are Young" route, we should remember who's really at fault here — not just for this song, but (probably) for the Texans' lost season. This is on you, Billy Joel, all of it. Fight the real enemy. Tears up picture of Gary Kubiak
h/t to @Weed_Mouse via @Lana.