Hello Internet. It's been quite a while, hasn't it? I'm sure you've settled in to your safe culinary ways, breathing sighs of relief that no more delicious baked mayospam would grace your computer screens. Perhaps you figured I'd died from my own monstrous creations, realizing at the very last second of my life what mistakes I've made.
I've made no mistakes, internet. And I have returned to bestow upon you a meal.
Today's food is for embattled
crime boss head coach Greg Schiano. In an article a few weeks ago about the Buccaneers' dreadful season, it came out that Mr. Schiano was having a bit of a dietary problem. From the Tampa Bay Times article:
But after the Bucs' 27-24 overtime defeat to the Seahawks on Nov. 3 that dropped Tampa Bay to 0-8, the only losing the coach could stop was his weight.
So he threw out the diet and had some chicken fingers on the bus to the airport. Then during the nearly six-hour flight home, he dined on a cheesesteak, burrito, M&M's and a Twix bar.
Greg. Can I call you that, Greg? Look. I understand you're frustrated. Everyone hates you. The team collapsed and your opening day quarterback now plays in Minnesota. Your locker room was infested with bacteria and no one wants to play you without donning a hazmat suit. But Greg, you can't let your diet suffer like that.
I can turn this around for you. Why are you eating all of those things separately? Let me help you turn those ingredients into a heart-smart healthy dish: Sushi!*
*Please note this sushi does not contain MRSA. SB Nation (and their lawyers) were fearful of my experimenting with harmful bacteria and unleashing a mutant strain purpose built to blend humanity into paste.
On to the meal!
STEP 1) Greg, you've got all the staples of a good meal. Chicken, Microwave burrito, cheesesteak and candy. Luckily, sushi is made from these very things:
Instead of chicken strips, I've substituted broth. It helps the mixing process. In addition, it's important that we put in some traditional Japanese ingredients. Because nothing pairs with chocolate quite like:
Ever try to roll your own candy cigarette as a child? Ever try and replace the powdered sugar on your best friend's stick with Wasabi powder? And then that friend hates you throughout school and punches you and steals your lunch so you make your own out of vending machine Utz Cheese Balls, chocolate milk and lemonade mix?
RIGHT. Yes, so anyway, Greg! On to...
STEP 2) Vent your frustration by repeatedly mashing the blender setting of your choice. (I prefer "Automasticate".)
Pour everything in stages. Add chicken broth throughout. It's important to do this so you don't overload the blender with the frozen center of the Hot Pocket. Doing so will leave you with a smooth meatish cream.
STEP 3) Let that settle in the corner while you move on to the sushi rice! Now, I've never actually HAD sushi - it's far too refined for my palette (does not come in box). It can't be that hard, right? Just rice and stuff to stick it together.
First, let's use my favorite type of rice:
The coolest part of this Spillymeal is the fact that using Rice Krispies means the sushi will MAKE NOISE when you eat it! It's like a hundred tiny voices crying out in terror and begging for release.
STEP 4) OK Greg, are you still with me? At this point you should have a bowl full of Rice Krispies and a blender full of brown. Let's grab the next ingredient that will help the rice congeal:
Other Colgate slogans discussed prior to GREAT REGULAR FLAVOR:
FANTASTIC PLAIN CONSISTENCY
AMAZING AVERAGE OPACITY
WOW. SO TOOTHPASTE. VERY FLUORIDE.
I was disheartened that I was unable to acquire my grandparent's favorite toothpaste, which was GLEEM. GLEEM (always in all caps) tasted like silicone toothcaulk.
In any case, squeeze the entire tube into your cereal!
Here's a fun fact: Ever smell an entire tube of toothpaste at once? It's difficult. It completely clears your sinuses.
Mix up the cereal with the toothpaste and you'll get a nice, evenly distributed sticky rice to roll into your sushi. And hey, you probably won't even need to brush afterwards!
STEP 5) To roll it, you'll likely need seaweed. Hah. Just kidding! Use green tissue paper from Hallmark. It tastes the same. Probably.
Excellent. No one will be the wiser. Now spread it out and put some rice globules onto the paper.
It looks like a Rice Krispy treat BUT IT ISN'T. OH NO NO NO. No one knows until it's too late! Now, put on another sheet of paper, and smash your face against it repeatedly to flatten the rice and even it out. After this, start spooning out your blended meatstuff:
STEP 6) Roll up your sushi, tie off both ends, and let it sit for a bit while you prepare the rest (yes, there's more!). Feel free to put it in the refrigerator, because the whole room will smell like toothpaste.
STEP 7) I hope you're still with me Greg. You may be asking "OH BUT SPILLY, WHAT ABOUT FISH? SUSHI ALWAYS HAS FISH. AND ALSO TWIX BARS". I've got you, Greg! Observe:
The important thing is to serve the fish sticks raw. So lay it out on the counter for a few hours first. Unwrap a few of the Twix and set aside. Use the remaining rice glop and form small balls. Then, wrap a fish stick and Twix bar around it with a rubber band. People will probably take those off first before you serve it. Maybe.
STEP 8) Now, slice up that sushi roll with a big fancy knife (not the rusty one, the good one you keep on the counter to show off to your friends that you aren't giving them tetanus when you cook for them).
STEP 9) Look Greg! It looks like food, it smells like...a mint Hot Pocket (also food!), and it tastes like paint! Now arrange these thoughtfully onto a dish and take a great many pictures of it!
Enjoy, Mr. Schiano! I've fixed your diet. Now go out there and derp like a champion so we can make fun of you on the internet!