Rather than wait for columnists to bait readers into blind Internet anger, we at SB Nation believe in setting the curve ourselves and doing so honestly. On
, we attempt to construct the most obnoxious column on earth. Today: Let's talk about A-Rod.
I thought this was America.
I thought that we rewarded success.
I thought that Alex Rodriguez stood for everything America wanted to be. Not only is he rich, but he works every day to make sure that he earns that contract.
He hits. He fields. And yes, he keeps himself strong like a man has to be on the baseball diamond.
Now a bunch of Occupy Baseball activists are trying to ruin his good name by saying that the Yankees should be able to invalidate his contract. Meanwhile, those same people want to give Derek Jeter a free pass for his disappearing act in the ALCS.
And it makes me sick.
So what if Alex Rodriguez cut a few corners trying to get the job done? So did Dirty Harry and John Wayne. Abe Lincoln had to cut corners now and then and he won the Civil War. And if he were alive today he'd have one message for us:
A House that Ruth Built divided against itself cannot stand.
While A-Rod works day after day to recover from his injury, doing everything that he possibly can to get back into playing shape, so called True Yankee Derek Jeter is fat and happy in Florida. Hopefully the shortstop can stop eating french fries in time for the start of the season.
There's no "I" in "team" but there's a "jerk" in "Derek Jeter."
Yankees fans have taken Jeter's side for years even though he hasn't made as much money as A-Rod. Even though he forced A-Rod to take the less glamorous position. Of course the never-married Derek Jeter was interested in more glamor: he's more like Marilyn Monroe than Joe DiMaggio.
The Yankees need to face the facts. They only have one True Yankee on the left side of their infield. And it isn't Captain Clutch, who must have gotten that nickname because of the purse that he carries.
No, if you want to see a True Yankee, look 30 feet to the left of Jeter. He may have self-portraits as a centaur, but that's because he has the horsepower to drive the Yankees lineup. 647 home runs should speak for themselves, but it seems like a lot of so-called experts have their fingers in their ears.
That True Yankee does what he has to do to get the job done. Hypocrites complain. Those same hypocrites pop Viagra, chug coffee and take Adderall to get through the day, and end their nights with an Ambien.
A-Rod does the same thing you do. The only difference is he takes Viagra for his muscles, those same hard-working muscles that put butts and fastballs in the outfield seats. He enhances being athletic, not being pathetic.
And since when does America have a problem with enhanced performance? This is the country that put a Hemi in a muscle car. Why can't we do it with baseball players? Because it hurts the feelings of people who don't have muscles. They want to turn baseball into feelingsball.
That's one thing A-Rod is: America's literal muscle car athlete. He is also one of the best and most highly paid baseball players ever, but we now live in a country that penalizes success. A-Rod earned the biggest contract in MLB history and now people want to take it away from him.
Confiscating a millionaire's property? This isn't the Soviet Union of America. People who can't snatch a barbell want to snatch away the livelihood of a man who could clean and jerk their nerdy asses.
The fact remains that A-Rod earned every penny that's owed to him by the Yankees. Going above and beyond by using PEDs was just his way to make sure that the Yankees got as much out of him as possible.
A-Rod's juicing just showed that he was ready to sweat for the Yankees.
Just look at the ALCS last year. Alex Rodriguez played through his hip injury. Derek Jeter quit the team after he suffered his little foot owie. You'd figure tough guy New Yorkers would prefer the guy who did whatever he could to play instead of the one who scampered off to Florida, but I guess I was wrong about them too.
New York City? More like Sex and the City.
So I'm not going to sit idly by while wimpy Yankee fans take down a hero and bring down a villain. Someone needs to stand up for win-at-all-costs Alex Rodriguez and bring down the primadonna Derek Jeter.
When you watch the left side of the Yankees infield next year, I hope you enjoy A-Rod playing next to a fraud.