The Westminster Dog Show finishes up tonight with the Sporting, Working, and Terrier groups. We rank the participants in each group by personal bias. Sorry, Cocker Spaniels and Rottweilers; you bite the writer, the writer bites back.
1. Vizsla. Will snuggle under covers and sing along with the radio, so basically an adorable Mogwai you can feed after midnight.
2. Irish Water Spaniel. Looks like Kenny G.
3. Irish Spring Spaniel. "Get wet whenever they can." THE ANDREW WK OF DOGS. \m/
4. Spinone Italiano. Only understands handlers who speak with wild, demonstrative, and profane hand gestures.
5. Welsh Springer Spaniel. Nicknamed "the velcro dog" either because of its dedication to its owners or because it can stick to any surface on first contact. You'll have to find out which for yourself.
6. German Shorthaired Pointer. Sturdy, well-built and industrious hunter.
7. German Wirehaired Pointer. Sturdy, well-built and industrious evil goateed twin of the German Shorthaired Pointer.
8. Golden Retriever. In three more generations of inbreeding will be a pleasant throw pillow with teeth.
9. Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Affectionate, loyal. Would be higher if not for high spontaneous combustion rate.
10. Pointer. Brought home to England from Spain in the 1700s along with syphilis and edible food.
11. Curly-coated Retriever. Constant reapplication of activator can be a chore.
12. Boykin Spaniel. South Carolina-bred spaniel is loving, but must wear an ankle monitor because of "some bullshit she said I did." Can't vote or get a concealed carry permit. (Ever.)
13. Gordon Setter. Props for being a handsome dog that also sounds like a sturdy dude's name.
14. Wirehaired Pointing Griffon. Is "people-oriented" because dog breed descriptions are cut and pasted randomly from bad résumés.
15. Weimaraners. Imagine: a German dog that's nervous, prone to killing things that come into its territory, and matches most military uniforms.
16. Clumber Spaniel. Known for shedding, health problems, snoring, and drooling. Recently signed by Redskins for $43 million contract.
17. English Setter. Described as "mischievous" and "couch potato," so will poop on your couch and laugh about it.
18. Labrador Retriever. DNA tests will one day reveal this toy bear species has been making a mockery of "dog" enthusiasts for over three centuries now.
19. Field Spaniel. Adorable, but prone to hip dysplasia and identity theft.
20. Brittany Spaniel. A "sensitive gun dog" sounds like a workplace shooting just waiting to happen.
21. Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. The breed description read "Bred to resemble a fox," which my brain turned to "Bred to resemble Redd Foxx," and now I'm just really disappointed in reality.
22. Irish Setter. The dog world's equivalent of the beautiful but stupid high schooler who dies in a spring break parasailing accident.
23. Irish Red and White Setter. The Irish Setter, but violently racist.
24. Sussex Spaniel. Most notable trait: being "liver-colored."
25. Cocker Spaniels. Violent, greasy, antisocial wigs. Like a psychopathic hair weave that learned hate at an early age.
1. Dogue du Bordeaux. HOOCH. [wins by default]
2. Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. By definition, greater than the next dog in the list. (Duh.)
3. Bernese Mountain Dogs. Lacks endurance and allows children to crawl over it, so is basically everyone's dad in dog form. Dad's cool.
4. Great Dane. By breed standard should have a tapered waist, a dignified air of permanent existential terror, and farts like pepper spray farted from the ass of a vegan dragon.
5. Samoyed. Too friendly to be a guard dog, so basically the albino Andy Dwyer of the dog world.
6. Newfoundland. A strong swimmer with webbed toes and a waterproof coat, just like your mother
7. Great Pyrenees. "That's a huge-ass white dog. Looks like Jamarcus Russell's coat." --Charles Barkley, dog show commentator.
8. Doberman Pinscher. Downside: May be aggressive towards strangers. Upside: if it bites someone, that stranger IS A SPY.
9. St. Bernard. A common myth is that the breed are "compulsive alcoholics" who carry brandy with them in a barrel around their necks. They buy their brandy at the store like the rest of us, and drink it quietly, and with sorrow, in darkened rooms alone at night while watching Chopped.
10. Schnauzer. All we know is that the schnauzer was bred to have a mustache, and that's enough for us to give it a fairly high ranking.
11. Komondor. The white guy with dreads of the dog world. Down to hackysack wheneverrrrr. Alternately, is an exploding mop.
12. German Pinscher. A discount Doberman.
13. Siberian Husky. "The escape artist" of dogs, which is why your car and your wallet are gone and your credit card has some really, really weird charges on it. (He did sign you up for Amazon Plus, so thanks, made-up husky who can use a credit card.)
14. Portuguese Water Dog. The Obama family's dog, chosen for its hypoallergenic coat, great tolerance for children, and tolerance for extrajudicial killings of American citizens.
15. Cane Corso. You're not sure if it's bulletproof, but you don't want to be the one who finds out it isn't.
16. Neopolitan Mastiff. "Giuseppe, make me the giant dog that looks like it's made of melting candlewax and evil." "Okay, Don Frangelico, okay!"
17. Tibetan Mastiff. That's a bear stop it no really that's a bear get it the hell out of here before it hurts someone.
18. Leonberger. Bred to look like a lion because people who breed dogs have way, way too much free time.
19. Bullmastiff. A powerful dog that rarely barks not because it is confident, but because it is secretly ashamed of its awful singing voice. (Hold him. Please.)
20. Black Russian Terrier. Nickname: STALIN'S DOG. (No, really, that's its nickname.)
21. Boxer. Fact: the boxer suffers from a disorder that makes human faces taste like cake frosting.
22. Giant Schnauzer. Makes us sad only by reminding all of us that no one has made a Giant Dachshund (yet).
23. Akita. The anime wolf of your nightmares.
24. Kuvasz. Yet another huge white dog why are you so racist dogmakers of Central Europe
25. Alaskan Malamute. Difficult to train, but does receive an Alaskan oil subsidy check each month.
26. Anatolian Shepherd Dog. Kills wolves with ease and is illiterate. The Gary Busey of dogs.
27. Rottweiler. PRONE TO ATTACKING BLOGGERS FOR NO REASON AS THEY JOG. CHOICE OF 95 POUND METH ADDICTS WHO CAN'T CONTROL THEIR ANIMALS. I'M SURE YOU HAVE A NICE ONE AND YOU CAN KEEP IT RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE LEASH BECAUSE NO, BLOODTHIRSTY ROTTWEILER, I NEEDED THE EXERCISE OF GETTING ON TOP OF THIS PICKUP TRUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF ATLANTA AND SCREAMING FOR THE POLICE. Great with kids.
1. Bull Terrier
2. American Staffordshire Terrier
3--31. [ANGRY DOGS THAT KILL AND GUT RATS]