Since Twitter's inception, there have been over 100 (!!!) tweets about sports. Many of them have been hilarious, or embarrassing, or otherwise notable, and it would be a shame to allow them to drift into obscurity. This is my attempt to honor the very best/"best."
There were 35 sports tweets I thought were particularly deserving of acknowledgment. Some were suggested by you over Twitter this week; for this, I thank y'all. Others were found via Favstar or found via tweets I'd favorited. As you'll see, there is a ton of bias below, as several tweets are from folks who are friends of mine. I just happen to know the funniest people, which I don't really think I can be blamed for.
35. LA Kings' official account (@LAKings)
From the Los Angeles Kings' official Twitter account, which has become legendary for its uncommon depth of personality:
Aside from fist pumping, what else is there do in NJ?— LA Kings (@LAKings) May 28, 2012
- throwing rocks at a frog
- throwing a rock at a frog
- throwing rocks at multiple frogs
- throwing one rock at multiple frogs
- throwing a rock
- being a frog
- dumping a shotglass of nickels in an envelope and mailing them to your estranged son
the list goes on and on man
34. Retired pitcher Eric Knott (@eknott11)
Had some string come out of my knee today 8 years after my ACL reconstruction. Kind of freaked me out twitter.com/eknott11/statu…— Eric Knott (@eknott11) October 16, 2012
Oh GOD oh god oh god OH GOD OH GOD. Eric Knott is a retired baseball player and some string had been slowly working its way out of his knee for two Presidential administrations and NOW IT'S HERE AUGH OH MY GOD. I'M DONE WITH MODERN MEDICINE. CHICKEN SOUP AND PRAYER AND TOURNIQUETS AND BRANDY FOR ME. BYE YOU GUYS.
"No, dude. The CENTER center." - the only possible archery coach advice— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) July 28, 2012
It's tough not to feel for athletes of niche sports. You're almost certainly unpaid for your abilities, you have find time to practice around the 50 hours a week at the lumber mill you work just to make ends meet, and rising to the top of the field requires monastic dedication to the craft. Then you get to the Summer Olympics, hang out on the world's stage for a few minutes, and get cackled back into obscurity by the likes of Mr. Tub here.
But I laughed at this, and a few of my chuckles > their lives' pursuits. Archery, more like fartchery, etc.
(Note: I originally designated this account as Louisiana Tech's official Twitter account for some reason. It is not. Apologies.)
We have learned tonight's baseball game between Northwestern State and #LATech has been cancelled because the Demons' field is on fire.— BleedTechBlue.com (@BleedTechBlue) May 9, 2012
So it's not that the stadium or any building's on fire, just some random spot on the field. And we're speaking about a fire in the present tense, "is," which should generally not happen unless the sentence is punctuated with a few exclamation marks. Louisiana Tech plays baseball in SimCity, y'all.
31. With Leather editor Brandon Stroud (@MrBrandonStroud)
I get a lot of shit for writing about wrestling, and I deserve it. Wrestling is weird and awful. But I love them, and fuck you.— Brandon Stroud (@MrBrandonStroud) September 11, 2012
Brandon is a longtime friend, former roommate, and guy I've been writing with for 10 years, but it would be a shame if fears of favoritism kept me from acknowledging him as the best pro wrestling writer on the Internet, and one of the best writers, period.
Unlike him, my interest in wrestling has been casual and fleeting whenever it's been there at all. It's stupid. Pro wrestling, indeed, is often weird and awful. But he writes and loves the absolute shit out of it. His refusal to apologize for it, while at the same time acknowledging what's crummy about it, is a thing to admire -- and for me, someone who writes about airballed free throws and drunk trespassing fans and GIFs of athletes being hit in their wieners with stitched animal hides, it's a thing to emulate.
30. SB Nation's Martin Rickman (@martinrickman)
if you order a mettenberger at a restaurant the server just throws a patty and ketchup at your chest— Martin Rickman (@martinrickman) October 14, 2012
do you guys think that this is true
#hockeyfacts hockey became popular because feeding all children thru the winter was expensive & letting some fall thru the ice is quick/easy— Pete (@sorryeveryone) December 1, 2011
do you guys think that this is true
28. SB Nation's Jason Kirk (@JasonKirkSBN)
RT @jasonkirksbn: Ban baseball— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) October 5, 2012
My retweet of this is all I could find; apparently Twitter swallowed the original.
Jason tweeted this during the National League's one-game wild-card game, a newly-instituted and completely ludicrous playoff round, as a glut of errors and strange happenings prevented the Braves from advancing. The viewing experience produced the sort of idiot-radiation that could destroy cellular structures. I remember this tweet better than any of the other bullshit that happened that day.
27. Kansas City Chiefs' official account (@kcchiefs)
Valued Twitter subscriber @teedubya tweeted, "I'm not much of a @kcchiefs fan anymore. Clark Hunt's yearly 30m under the cap bullshit is unethical. Greedy bastard owners can F.O. cc @nfl". That earned him the following DM from the Chiefs:
(Story via Will Brinson)
The Chiefs deftly mimicked his "cc @nfl" with their "cc get a clue," which suggests that perhaps they misunderstand the limits of what email can and cannot do. Had they more space in the tweet, they surely would have also bcc'd "go fly a kite," "go soak your head," "why don't you go take a chill pill," "get a grip," and, "heyyyyyyyyyy :(".
26. NBC's official Olympics account (@NBCOlympics)
NBC's coverage of the 2012 Summer Games was a total abomination, and they seemed hellbent on sneaking in one more unbelievably dumb programming decision at the very end. Right in the middle of the Closing Ceremony, NBC tweeted this ...
... and immediately cut away from the broadcast to show us a comedy about veterinarians. The 2016 Summer Games are just gonna be two weeks of motionless test-card video signal while Bob Costas reads aloud a Choose Your Own Adventure book in numbered page order, and every 32 to 34 minutes, @NBCOlympics will tweet a photo of your grandfather's penis.
25. Sports Illustrated's Holly Anderson (@SIHolly)
HAIL TO THE SUN BELT/SURE IS A FUN BELT/ RA RA RA— Holly Anderson (@SIHolly) September 16, 2012
I enjoy celebrating things that are crappy because they are crappy, and when you watch gaggles of 20-year-olds play football in mid-major conferences, it seems to me that you'd best get used to it. Holly is one of the very best follows in the world of college football; were it not for her, I would probably have half as much mirth in my twitter feed. Outside of proper context, which I have long since forgotten, this tweet hits me as abject despair masqueraded as mirth. Another valuable craft.
24. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert (@cavsdan)
Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert tweeted this ...
Wow. Have no idea where that last picture came from. Its not even in my picture folder. Crazy. No explanation. Random photo appears.#baffled— Dan Gilbert (@cavsdan) January 26, 2012
... right after tweeting this image.
What this tells us is that the toilet paper rolls in Mr. Gilbert's presumed residence are placed on the holder in the "under" orientation. That's basically the Comic Sans of toilet paper orientation, y'all. Then again, I oughtn't throw stones, since my toilet paper has found itself in the Wingdings of toilet paper orientation, which is to say it's sitting unopened in a grocery bag in the living room and, well Hell, it was time for a shower anyway.
23. MLB.com's William Ladson (@washingnats)
(Nominated by John Taylor)
Mr. Ladson, a writer for MLB.com, presumably pre-wrote this tweet before the Nationals surrendered four runs to the Cardinals in the ninth inning, lost 9-7, failed to win their first-ever playoff series, and ruined everything for everyone forever. Judging from this screencap, it was left up for at least six minutes before it was deleted. This is honestly not really that big a deal, unless you are a Nationals fan who has sat through approximately 11,999 innings of D.C. baseball, only to see the 12,000th end in catastrophe.
Dear UFC: is playing back mental images of GSP while masturbating considered piracy? Please advise. Thanks so much.— Julie (@metricjulie) November 20, 2012
This was in response to the UFC's draconian anti-animated GIF policy. Their attitude toward GIFs is real crummy and Georges St-Pierre is an unquestionably, overwhelmingly sexy individual and I laughed my fool head off at this.
21. Nuggets center JaVale McGee (@JaValeMcGee34)
I wish I had a screen behind me everywhere I go with a credit reel... Giving credit to everyone that got me to where I am. Really short list— JaVale McGee (@JaValeMcGee34) March 24, 2012
And with those three final words, a standard mess of idle athlete-tweet pours neatly into a beaker of "f*** all y'all." I was originally going to use Javale McGee's twitpic of some Velveeta he tried to microwave, but this trumps them all.
20. Then-Florida safety Will Hill (@Trill_SG)
This comes by way of one of my favorite sports blog posts of all time. Depending on your vested interests, Will Hill (then at Florida) either should definitely not have been allowed to have a Twitter account, or should definitely have been allowed to have a Twitter account.
@HoffmanBball is a gimmick account in which Dustin Hoffman tweets about basketball and the movies he was in. This is my shit right here. I laugh myself silly whenever I scroll through his timeline.
When I was a kid, I had this weird way of establishing kinship with other kids. I was a lefty, and I tended to notice if another kid used their left hand to write or throw a ball. I got this idea that if you and I were both left-handed, we were somehow alike.
That was some pseudoscientific bull-pucky. From now on, I think I'm going to use this tweet:
Got these new Russell athletic shorts. All-cotton so you know they're good. twitter.com/HoffmanBball/s…— Dustin Hoffman (@HoffmanBball) December 13, 2012
I'll love you anyway, but if you laugh at this tweet, friend, you and I are in this together.
18. Russell Athletic Bowl's official account (@RussellAthBowl)
(Nominated by @DoctorIsaak)
The 2012 Russell Athletic Bowl between Virginia Tech and Rutgers was a miserable offensive display. Just as it looked like Rutgers was going to put us all out of our misery with a 10-0 win, the Hokies stormed back to force overtime:
KATY BAR THE DOORS. NOBODY LEAVES.— RussellAthleticBowl (@RussellAthBowl) December 29, 2012
The Russell Athletic Bowl's official Twitter account was the most exotic of creatures: an official Twitter account that fully acknowledged the crappiness of the product it was intended to promote. The account's author spent much of the second half clowning on the game and everyone it involved. In a place where we would normally expect to find zero self-awareness, we found it in abundance.
17. Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett (@ddockett)
Mann on of my teammates SHARTED- OMG I know he has a MAN POND cause he def just ran to the bathroom LMFAOO smell like a PORT a POTTY— DARNELL DOCKETT (@ddockett) September 25, 2009
I could have compiled a giant list of athletes tweeting about farting and shitting. You just gotta tweet what you know, man. You gotta tweet your life.
I swear to God, as a writer, I long to paint a picture with my words that's as vivid as Mr. Dockett's tweet here. He can tweet compellingly and he's a three-time Pro Bowler. Dude's a polymath.
16. SB Nation's Spencer Hall (@edsbs)
Listen, ND. I was raised Catholic, too. Halfway in counts.— edsbs (@edsbs) September 12, 2012
this guy's pretty funny i guess
Pete Orr was overheard yelling 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE' while rounding the bases on Jimmy Rollins' homerun.— Pete Orr Facts (@PeteOrrFacts) September 12, 2012
Pete Orr is one of my favorite players in baseball today, for basically no reason. He's not awful, he's just a jobber journeyman who is not a very good hitter and isn't all that great defensively either. He's just kind of here, and remains so against all odds. To quote Keanu Reeves from the critically-acclaimed major motion picture Hardball, I am blown away by his ability to show up.
Orr, perhaps, is best experienced through @PeteOrrFacts. "Pete Orr once confused a pogo stick with a bicycle pump." "Pete Orr wears a Pete Orr shirt to work." I had trouble picking the above Tweet above all the others. This account has 1,300 followers, which is not nearly enough followers.
14. FanGraphs' Jeff Sullivan (@LookoutLanding)
Dan Haren got a Gillette razor on his 18th birthday and smoked it— Jeff Sullivan (@LookoutLanding) September 1, 2010
Twitter humor is even more dangerous to deconstruct than not-Twitter humor, so I'll try to be careful here. Lots of folks properly capitalize and punctuate their tweets. Some, like me, do not, and our lower-case tweets tend come off as ambivalent mumbling through a 7-Eleven straw as we slouch on the sofa with a Skecher on the table. Jeff, on the other hand, capitalizes but doesn't punctuate, and it generates a sort of an exasperated, barely-caring sigh.
Jeff is perhaps my favorite tweeter in the baseball Internet. Upon seeing this tweet a couple years ago, I laughed my ass off for reasons I can't entirely explain.
13. WTXF's Howard Eskin (@howardeskin)
There is only one sports Twitter trope more agonizingly banal than "Super Bowl media day," and that is, "tweets from Spring Training." God bless these baseball writers, because they have a very demanding job and tend to do great work once the regular season starts. But in February, there is jack-all of importance to report, and so we're given a 150x150 photo of Jimmy Rollins standing 400 billion miles away. This is perhaps the most Spring Training tweet possible.
Dear NBC, could you have Bob Costas come out and tell me how I feel about hockey? I'm wearing a bib and I think my dad is the president.— Mobutu Sese Seko (@Mobute) January 20, 2013
Everyone on the Internet snarks, but almost nobody in the Sports Internet or Associated Territories executes it as sharply as @Mobute.
11. Ohio State Athletics' account (@Buckeye_Nation)
/searches #OhioState tag on Twitter
oh cool you guys i will do that
/presses link on laptop screen with finger, nothing happens
/attempts to scoop link out of screen with dessert spoon
10. Eagles wide receiver Desean Jackson (@DeseanJackson10)
Sports Twitter was a beautiful place in the hours leading up to last year's ESPY awards. A PR agency apparently asked athletes in attendance to tweet, "Chillin' at the @ESPYS #NokiaPreParty. It's awesome." That was funny enough on its own, seeing a bunch of athletes tweet the exact same thing.
This, though, was the greatest.
I don't blame Mr. Jackson at all for pulling out his phone, seeing this tweet, going, "Jesus, whatever," doing a copy all/paste/tweet, and getting back to the party. The PR industry has more people who are bad at their jobs than any other industry on Earth.
9. LSU coach Les Miles (@LSUCoachMiles)
8. Oregon running back De'Anthony Thomas (@1STCLASSMOMBA)
HAD A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAMPING TRIP— DE'ANTHONY THOMAS (@1STCLASSMOMBA) July 31, 2012
On its own, this might not look like much to you, but if we were talking about Twitter accounts in general, rather than individual tweets, Oregon's De'Anthony Thomas would easily be in the top three. If you read through this collection of Mr. Thomas' best-ever tweets and aren't compelled to follow him on the spot, I will give you one million dollars, which is all the money that I have.
7. ESPN's Pedro Gomez (@pedrogomezESPN)
(Nominated by @baseballtwit)
I consider the Baseball Hall of Fame to be an institution profoundly unworthy of my time or feelings or energy. It's a museum full of neat baseball stuff run by curators who, once a year, ascend to high priesthood in the Church of Dumb Baseball Bullshit, rend their garments, and say stupid shit like, "Jeff Bagwell shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame." They are thoroughly unspecial and not-important and forgetful of this.
Pedro Gomez, a BBWAA member, tweeted that Bagwell had never denied using PEDs. When it was pointed out to him that, indeed, Bagwell did deny using PEDs, Gomez tweeted:
Bagwell DID deny. Fine. You join BBWAA for 10 years, you get to do what YOU want with your vote.— Pedro Gomez (@pedrogomezESPN) April 25, 2012
Wailed with all the hyper-defensive pouty indignance of a nine-year-old who glued Master Shredder to the top of his Pinewood Derby car. "Shut up, dorkus! His knives make it aerodynamic! Shut up!"
6. SB Nation's Andrew Sharp (@andrewsharp)
OK, listen. We at SB Nation have an editorial chat room in which we conduct our business. Chris Douglas-Roberts is an NBA player who was with the Bucks at the time.
This is from a few years ago. I'm just gonna leave this here.
THAT WASN'T VERY NICE, ANDREW
@realdonaldtrump Go fuck yourself.— Deadspin (@Deadspin) January 17, 2013
I think Donald Trump says some dumb stuff, but you know what? If he called me out by name and said, "good job," I'd respond in kind. I am a kiss-ass who lacks the proper fortitude to be and remain hostile. If you ask me, that's part shortcoming, part virtue; either way, I can't help but be impressed with Deadspin's response. Its succinctness makes it seem as though were a matter-of-fact sonning.
4. ESPN's Peter Gammons (@pgammo)
Wok bm pppppppppppppppppppppppppp— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) November 18, 2010
I have no idea how Peter Gammons pocket-tweets as much as he does, but he does it a lot. It seems borderline-impossible to do from a touch-screen. I guess he tweets via text from an old Nokia phone, dumps it in his pocket, climbs in a carnival teacup ride, and instructs the ride operator not to stop until he has produced a story about how he prepared his food, how he evacuated, and the sound it made.
(Nominated by @stphnschndr)
To me watching Sports is like watching a bunch of steaks who came to life & are trying violently to put themselves back together into a cow— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 6, 2013
To the best of my recollection, I had never encountered any of @TriciaLockwood's tweets until seeing this one this week. Upon seeing it, I followed her 150 times. This is perhaps the most trenchant interpretation of sports I have ever read.
2. Athletics pitcher Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32)
Former Athletics pitcher Brandon McCarthy, as we know him on Twitter, is a funny and thoroughly likable guy. When he took a line drive to the head and suffered a fractured skull that sent him into surgery, of course, we were all worried. Then he tweeted:
WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) September 11, 2012
This is funny enough on its own, but more importantly, it delivered a hugely cathartic laugh. He made a full recovery, freeing him to go back to having lots and lots of sex with his wife.
Thanks for turning Fenway Pak into "CLOWN TOWN". Did they take their little clown car with them for "THE DANCING FOOL". The Babe!— baberuth (@baberuth) October 26, 2007
(Nominated by Barry Petchesky)
Some nameless hero registered the in-demand Twitter handle @baberuth, made three absolutely nonsensical tweets on October 26th, 2007, and never tweeted again. In so doing, he or she achieved the greatest sports tweet of all time. The Babe!