In search of deer spray: a visit to S.W.A.T.S. gym

We sent a correspondent to buy the famous deer spray at S.W.A.T.S. gym in Birmingham. He succeeded, and also found you can get your car detailed there.

We dispatched Birmingham correspondent "Rick Muscles" to visit the now infamous S.W.A.T.S. Gym, source of the "deer spray" supplement and other alternative therapies Ray Lewis is alleged to have used in his recovery from a triceps injury. His report follows.

Spencer Hall: Where is it in Birmingham? What kind of neighborhood?

swatsfrontage

Rick Muscles: The building is near a run down stretch of neighborhood. It's near a Super 8. It's a pretty lower middle class area. It is near a Target, though. BTW, its a gym/auto detailing business. So you can get deer antler spray and prepare your car to be sold at the same time.

SH: So you tried to go Friday?

RM: Friday, I drove over there. I tried to walk in the gym door. I couldn't get in because it was locked and I needed key access. When I was waiting outside, a shirtless dude came outside and asked me if I needed some supplements. I said yes. He then sold me on the chips, deer antler pills and the spray. They are out of the regular spray so I had to buy extra strength.

SH: So you're talking to a shirtless man about deer spray in a parking lot near the Super 8 in Birmingham. Nothing weird about that.

RM: Yeah, I hung out for a minute. Then another dude showed up. He was bigger and younger than then shirtless bearded guy. He took over the sale and I was going to buy last night, but then he said I could only buy in cash because they had too many international orders. That set off a red flag.

SwatsRV

The S.W.A.T.S. RV

SH: To get the timeline right here: this is Friday, right?

RM: All this happened on Friday. While younger muscular dude was selling me, I overheard a conversation saying Sports Illustrated flipped their story. They were given the impression SI was saying positive things about their product but instead turned it into "Ray Lewis on PEDs."

SH: As in, that's the impression the SI reporter gave them?

RM: Yes. That's when I left.

SH: So you come back on Saturday afternoon with cash.

RM: Yup, talked to the owner this time. They were concerned I was with the FDA when I asked to take pictures. I took pictures and told them I had a twitter feed about weight lifting. I had to talk them into selling me the spray. They were reluctant. I also found out they get the deer velvet from New Zealand. I talked to a fat guy. He sold me this time. I was taking notes from him because he was telling me about the Long Jack Root. Increases testosterone.

They kept reminding me they weren't doctors but also reminded me it was their first amendment right to give me their opinion. Then the owner came in and it got awesome.

SH: Go on.

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RM: Dude is huge and has a solid North Alabama accent. He's huge and super tan. He was wearing a red cut off t-shirt. Under his clavicles he had "chips" which are holograms taped on. I told him I wanted to improve my deadlift and he said i should tape a "chip" to below my lower hip bone. That way my legs wouldn't get tired. He explained the spray and told me about how it would increase my testosterone production.

When he walked in, he seemed concerned I was either a real reporter or with the DEA.

SH: Did he ask you?

RM: Never straight up. I was upfront that I did Rick Muscles. So it wasn't an issue. Then he told me about the deer antler pills. The deer antler pills make it easier to absorb nutrients. Then he said it's better for my brains. He told me I had two brains. One in my head and the other in my stomach. He asked if I ever had a gut feeling and I said yes. That was his proof I had a second brain.

Please remember: a dude with a hologram taped to his nipple was telling me about my second brain.

SH: In your stomach.

RM: In my stomach.

SH: Go on.

RM: The other stuff in the deer antler pills was colostrum. Which is mother's milk. He said it's a nutrient we no longer get when we're older. I agreed that I did not get enough. The pills were $75.00 for about 20. Then I walked around and took pictures. Then I left. They got their website back online so it's all verifiable there.

SH: The endorsements on the wall include Ray Lewis, but only for the APC hologram stickers. Did you see anything else that indicated Ray Lewis having anything to do with deer spray?

raylewisbelievesinsorcery

RM: I took a picture of everything relating to Ray. So I do not think so.

SH: I saw Fred Funk in there. Who else do they mention?

RM: Johnny Damon, the Raiders coach (Hue Jackson) and bass fisherman Cliff Crochet were in there.

fishswatschips

SH: And I saw that you tried it. Describe the taste.

RM: Just tastes like vanilla cough syrup. It's a spray so it's not too strong. It was fairly smooth.

SH: Did your rippling pecs and massive glutes tingle as you took it?

RM: I'd say so. Pretty sure I'm gonna wake up tomorrow with more chest hair.

SH: Without giving away your day job, it's your professional life to look into fraud. What's your stomach-brain telling you here?

RM: I felt like shirtless bearded guy was pretty innocent last night. However, the owner today was full of shit. He's a huckster.

SH: Mitch Ross, yes? This guy?

RM: Met him today.

SH: You said in another conversation that you felt like the place was seconds from being raided by someone.

RM: I think I was overreacting a touch, but they do seem a little nervous. The cash thing was weird. They're obviously nervous about the DEA. I think the Sports Illustrated thing got them in over their heads. Remember the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? It was on their coffee table.

SH: How did the gym look?

RM: Shitty. The equipment looked very 90s and only an old lady was in there. She was walking on a treadmill.

SH: Would you get your car detailed there?

RM: Sure. Would not lift there.

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