Last week, I made you bourbon. It was easily the most popular recipe I've ever made, and it generated a ton of Kentucky-hate by a not-insignificant amount of Hoosier fans. Everything was going swimmingly: the Wildcats were out of the polls, and some putz on the internet had ruined their alcoholic lifeblood. Today, the Indiana Hoosiers are ranked number 1 in college basketball, and I've decided to help them celebrate with a meal. Strangely enough, I have a feeling that Kentucky fans may find this more enjoyable.
In addition, yesterday news broke that Ikea had found horse meat in their Swedish meatballs sold in Europe. I was honestly impressed they were using real meat; I expected ground up lingonberries, particle board, and a puréed orange FLÜRM. People on Twitter were aghast at the mere thought of something so disgusting as eating horse meat.
To you, Ikea, I have this to say:
The world would probably be fine with horsemeatballs if it weren't for Black Beauty, Mr. Ed, and a tearful Clydesdale commercial every Super Bowl. If you're trying to give your customer base a new and exciting food, I humbly submit myself for your executive chef position that is soon to be open. Consider this my application.
Today, I made you Indiana-themed Swedish Meatballs.
STEP 1: As with any meatball, we will use a base that will hold our meats together. Pour some of this into a mixing bowl:
STEP 2: While searching the Googlenets for Indiana food, it struck me that I was performing the saddest web search of all time. Everything I was coming up with was already full-on Spillyfood. Deep fried porkchops. Batter dipped twice-fried cabbages. I felt like there was nothing I could really improve. Then, I found out about Hoosier Pies. I've never had a Hoosier Pie, but to me it looks like what would happen if you wanted to make an apple pie but had no concept of what an ‘apple' was. Instead, you just dumped in a bag of Domino sugar into a pie crust, tossed on some Reddi Whip, and hoped for the best. We'll be using Hoosier Pie ingredients throughout this recipe. Observe:
I didn't have any cream, so I substituted in 3 packs of various Gogurts. Let's mix this all in with the batter. So far, it's not even that disgusting!
FOODTIP: Lard is not the same as butter. It may come in a similar tub as margarine. You may grab it by accident in the morning when you want an english muffin. You may think "Eh, fat is fat, right?" Don't do it. Just....don't...... please trust me on this. It is not the same.
STEP 3: Next, of course, is the meat. Now, Ikea got into trouble because it was using horse meat, but the real crime here is that there's a much cheaper alternative than horses. It's a little something that Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) suggested:
A BRICK OF PIG RECTUM
No, seriously. If you've never had it, scrapple is a brick of meatpaste from the Pennsylvania Dutch made out of pork liver, pork skins, pork hearts, and the threateningly vague regular ‘pork'. It's preblended with corn meal into a consistency not unlike Play-doh. The directions tell you to garnish with salt. It's Amish spam.
STEP 4: Break up the scrapple with a potato masher. This will be disturbingly easy to do.
Gather this up and crumble into your meatball mix in the bowl. Make sure to coat the scrapple thoroughly until it begins to form into a doughy chocolate porkball.
STEP 5: We're not quite done with our Hoosier Pie ingredients yet! We still need a pie crust. This will help coat our meatballs so they bake crispy and will also hold the lard packets inside from oozing out too badly.
Crush the pie crust onto the counter and begin rolling out a ball of the mix onto it, coating the meat in graham cracker.
STEP 6: When you're done with this, place the meatballs into an casserole dish. Sprinkle with Tang and Internet Paste for an extra bolt of flavor.
STEP 7: Bake in a kiln for seventeen days. While you are doing so, we'll need to make the gravy for on top of the meatballs! It's time for another one of Indiana's treasured foods. Well, according to five minutes of Google searching, anyway.
Corn Dogs! Everyone loves corn dogs, especially corn dog gravy! Microwave some of these so they're blendably soft and set aside as we prepare the other gravy ingredients.
STEP 8: As if we didn't have enough pork, one other request from Mike (@85mf) was to use Deviled Ham. Some of you were eagle-eyed enough to spot this in last week's meal, as a foreboding preview of what was to come. We'll go ahead and use it in the gravy.
And, when opened:
STEP 9: Lastly, we'll want something to help these two terrible pork products stick together. I'll grab something at random from the fridge.
Grape squeeze jelly? Sure! Why not? It's one of the few things in this meal NOT made out of pig. Toss everything into the blender and set it to "masticate".
Caution: This will smell so unbelievably foul. I know most things I make end up smelling like a fetid sewer, but whatever this Deviled Ham stuff is, it's extra noxious. You may notice tears well up. If so, add them to the gravy for that extra salty touch.
STEP 10: The meatballs are probably done by now! Chip off the layers of blackened Tang to reveal our nicely....baked......hmmm. They seem to have lost their shape.
STEP 11: No one will notice when you drown it in gravy! Wait for it to cool, and then use an ice cream scoop to simulate meatballs on the plate! Afterwards, plop the gravy on top.
FAMILY TIP: Decorate with Skittles to fool picky children into eating it! Make sure they chew the corn dog sticks though. We don't want them getting splinters. Spilly cares about child safety!
So there you are, Hoosier fans. Sure, I could have just used corn, but I wanted it to be special for you. I gave it Hoosier Pie and corn dogs for that deep fried sadness native to the Midwest.
And Ikea, here's your new recipe. No need to thank me.