Super Bowl commercials 2013, for all y'all consumerists and total suckers out there

Look at you. You're looking up commercials on purpose, when you could be reading a book or something. Well, we're not out to judge. Here are some ads from this year's Super Bowl, you simpleton.

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Budweiser gives us a good moment

Nothing is better than a nice moment between man and his animal.


The best (and worst) commercials

Super Bowl commercials are usually spiritually hollow and ought to be forgotten. There were a few exceptions Sunday night, though. Here, we take a look back at the best, worst, and funniest ads from Super Bowl XLVII.


Best Super Bowl commercials

The Super Bowl lived up to its name, and the commercials also held up their end of the bargain. You can view all of the Super Bowl commercials here.


Ram's Paul Harvey Super Bowl ad

The late Paul Harvey starred in what is certainly the most memorable Super Bowl commercial of 2013. It was positively striking: the folksy cadence of his voice, familiar, amongst other social sets, to any kid who grew up listening to the station that carried Rush Limbaugh in the 1990s. He was the superior Andy Rooney and the friendlier News of the Weird. And Sunday night, just under three years after his death, I heard him when I never figured I would: during a Super Bowl truck commercial. And Hell, is it ever a commercial.

The imagery is arresting. It's something we haven't seen all night; it's ... art. Remember Clint Eastwood's "up with America, get off your ass" appearance in last year's Super Bowl? Seems like these moments come to us in the second half, buried in the early minutes of the fourth quarter. Enjoy your light beer ads. If you sleep on this, the loss is yours.

Here is the full transcript of the ad:

"And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, "I need a caretaker." So God made a farmer.

God said, "I need somebody willing to get up before dawn, milk cows, work all day in the field, milk cows again, eat supper, then go to town and stay past midnight at a meeting of the school board." So God made a farmer.

God said, "I need somebody willing to sit up all night with a newborn colt and watch it die, then dry his eyes and say,'Maybe next year,' I need somebody who can shape an ax handle from an ash tree, shoe a horse with hunk of car tire, who can make a harness out hay wire, feed sacks and shoe scraps. Who, during planting time and harvest season will finish his 40-hour week by Tuesday noon and then, paining from tractor back, put in another 72 hours." So God made the farmer.

God said, "I need somebody strong enough to clear trees and heave bales, yet gentle enough to yean lambs and wean pigs and tend the pink-comb pullets, who will stop his mower for an hour to splint the leg of a meadowlark."

It had to be somebody who'd plow deep and straight and not cut corners. Somebody to seed, weed, feed, breed, and brake, and disk, and plow, and plant, and tie the fleece and strain the milk, . Somebody who'd bale a family together with the soft, strong bonds of sharing, who would laugh, and then sigh and then reply with smiling eyes when his son says that he wants to spend his life doing what Dad does. "So God made a farmer.""


Super Bowl ads: Mercedes

This year's Mercedes Super Bowl ad features Willem Dafoe in the most Willem Dafoe role possible.


Super Bowl commercials: Taco Bell

We're fairly certain that this is the first time Taco Bell has been creatively influenced by Sigur Ros.


Super Bowl ads: Pepsi Next

Pepsi's 2013 Super Bowl ad features a can of soda so advanced that you don't even have to drink it in order to drink it. That's what we take away from this commercial, anyway.


Super Bowl ads: Audi's 'Prom'

Here is a commercial about a minor getting punched in the face and sustaining injury and yelling and driving a car rather quickly!


Super Bowl Ads: Hyundai and Gus Johnson

Swear to God, y'all, your ears and mine perked up when you heard Gus Johnson's play calling in Hyundai's Super Bowl commercial. I think I speak for all right-thinking individuals when I say I wish we were hearing him for hours this evening, rather than seconds. I really, really hope to see Gus Johnson work play-by-play, color, sepia, grayscale, whatever, in a Super Bowl before I die.

This'll do for now, I guess.

The best soundbite, I reckon, was "COLLLLLLLD BLOODED," ripped from his call of Isaiah Thomas' game-winning jumper. You can see that here.


Super Bowl ads: Axe's 'Apollo'

A deodorant company would like to send you on a space flight, because we are living in an bizarro parallel of the actual normal universe.

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