Spilly answers your burning food questions

It's time to pop open the mailbag and start talking food with Spilly.

Hello, internet. Since I just did the Super Bowl pie a few days ago, I thought it would be a good time to start something that people have been asking me to do for a while now. Sometimes I don't make the food you need at your event that week. Sometimes I don't pick the game you're tailgating for. Sometimes you don't have wasabi for your chocolate pudding.

This week solves everything, because I'm taking your specific questions in the first edition of Ask Spilly. I asked Twitter to send me questions on crucial food preparation, and I would answer them. If you have a burning question you'd like an answer to, I encourage you to submit it to me at @IAmSpilly or email me at spillyvanilli@gmail.com. Now, on to your questions:

Andrew Parker asks: Can fondant be edible? And if so, can you provide a cake recipe for my wedding. I am in need of a grooms cake (whatever that is).

Andrew, let me first state that anything can be edible if you believe in yourself and you set your standards low enough. Now, cakes can be complicated. The key in any wedding cake is to make sure it stays together when you take it out of the pan and glue it to the rest of the cake (layers make cakes fun and impressive!). For this task, I like to coat the entire cake in barbecue sauce and leave it out overnight. It will harden into a cakebrick which can then be easily removed and frosted!

Rob Hodges (@ricobert1) asks: Charle Mackenzie posits that ``most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare'' (1993). How has this shaped your approach to "cooking?"

This is easy. The key to winning any food dare is out-horrifying the competing party. If they dare you to a chili cookoff, use something they don't expect, like cans of potted meat and peanut butter cups. The key here is to win by default instead of dealing with actual competition.

Greg Wissinger (@gwiss) asks: Dear Spilly, after trying a few of your recipes, I'm wondering if you know the best way to pay for hospital bills? Regards!

Greg, the unfortunate side effect of ingesting as many chemicals as I do is the tendency of insurance companies to drop coverage for your constant stomach pumps. I suggest finding a hospital with a club card that gives you your twelfth pump free. You could also, say, write about your recipes and post awful pictures of it on the internet! Someone is bound to want to publish it!

theshinyairship (@theshinyairship) asks: What can we do about vegans?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with vegans! Sure, it's a challenge to find as many blendable products that don't have any sort of animal materials in them, but it just makes the results all the more triumphant. The key here is to remember that many tubed and canned meats are not actually meat at all! Vienna Sausages are actually crushed up pinecones, beans and driveway gravel. Use the cheapest canned meat you can find to ensure that no part of it was ever even close to an animal.

Thomas Holzerman asks: Have you ever made fried chicken with cake batter breading, and if not, why are you holding out on us?

Thomas, I have plans for fried chicken, but I need to secure a deep fryer first. Cake batter is a good start, but why stop there? What we're really looking for is fudge brownie mix. Mix in some pimentos and sardines for texture!

Phil Coke's Brain (‏@PhilCokesBrain) asks: How would you improve the school lunch program?

Philbrain, there was a movement a while back to classify ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches. Most people took issue with this. I don't believe they went far enough. There are many different vegetables in a school cafeteria that go unnoticed, such as ranch dressing (there are green specks inside that are probably a leafy thing!), and iced tea (plant!). Under my plan, children would get all the vegetables they need injected into the chicken nuggets they want.

Christopher Burgess (@chrisburgess87) asks: Can I substitute Tang into any recipes that call for "orange juice?"

Sure you can! But why stop there? Tang is nature's wonder food. Did you know that orange food probably helps eyesight? I read a headline about it on the Internet. To game the system, make everything orange! You'll probably get night vision or something.

Alli (@PittFanAlli) asks: If you were on a deserted island with your blender and 1 electrical outlet, what would you make?

If I have a working blender, I'm still going to need ingredients. Hopefully my island has coconuts. You can use the coconuts as a simple bowl. Toss some sand and seashells into the blender, along with some seawater. Cook over the flaming wreckage that brought you to the island for some delicious oatmeal!

Dax Montana (@daxmontana4) asks: My one year old tried to throw a handful of animal cookies and coffee pod in my taco dip. You looking to adopt?

I don't think I'm anywhere close to responsible enough for offspring. Think what would happen if I started adding Gerber foods into all of my meals.

And, for the most asked question, sent in by @boxcar_fritz, @PegPelvisPete, and others: What the hell?

I honestly have no idea. I just blend stupid crap on the internet and people seem to like it. I didn't think this would get past Christmas but, hey, I'm still here. Thanks to SB Nation for putting up with my ... whatever it is I do.

Normal recipes return next week, everyone!


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