Hello Internet. I trust you've had lunch already, because today's meal will accentuate whichever organic kale soda you decide to pair with your zucchini quiche. I've made ice cream for you! Today's dessert is brought to you by the fine folks at Good Bull Hunting, SBNation's Texas A&M blog. They were the fourth and final party to donate to the hunger drive in December, and they had an awesome request I've been waiting a while to do. They gave me a few of the ingredients below, but let me turn it into whatever I wanted. I guarantee they didn't pick ice cream - because they are logical human beings with eyes for taste and civility, not chaotic internet food lunatics like yours truly.
One programming note, we had one person purchase a meal who couldn't decide on a topic and wanted to put it up for grabs. So I'm issuing you a challenge. Come up with a theme, or set of ingredients vaguely sports related, and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. The bestworst idea will be enacted on this very site. God help us all.
Onto the ice cream!
STEP 1) I found the fattiest, heaviest cream I could at the store. The ice cream directions say to use regular milk, but this is for Texas, and Texas won't stand for anything less than the best in liquid obesity.
STEP 2) Toss that heavy cream into the blender, along with a pile of sugar. If we're going to be fat, we might as well have diabetes too.
STEP 3) One of the ingredients that GBH asked for was a ticket list. In 2004, an Aggie woman ate a ticket line up list to try and skip ahead for Cotton Bowl tickets. The story is here if you'd like to read it. It's fantastic. I've recreated a ticket list for this very meal.
STEP 5) Tear this list into confetti and put it into the ice cream mix. As we've seen before, paper blends extremely well into food. I'd wager that 30% of the food you eat probably has paper filler in it. McDonalds Extra Thick shakes indeed. Next up are two more ingredients that were asked for by GBH.
STEP 6) Chicken fingers and a burrito! Both of these were microwaved for a fortnight to make them easily blendable. The chicken strip was to represent the multiple chicken finger joints on campus, and the burrito is for Freebirds, a local burrito place. I've eaten at a Freebirds about 12 years ago when I was in Texas briefly, and I seem to remember it being pretty good, and this was before the Qdobas and Chipotles of the world rolled out to every street corner. Into the ice cream they go!
STEP 7) For our last ingredient, it would be disrespectful of me to not pay tribute to the A&M mascot, Reveille. For this esteemed collie, I offer you only the best in Spilly ingredients:
FOODTIP: You do not need to actually label what food is inside a can. Two instances of the word "Gourmet" is enough. The less specific you are, the more bull intestine you're allowed to include.
STEP 8) Spoon Ms. Rev's dinner into the ice cream batter and blend thoroughly. Afterwards, you should get a frighteningly actual-food-looking paste. Do not smell this paste.
STEP 9) To properly freeze the ice cream, you'll need ice. I shouldn't need to tell you how to make ice. Chip some off the sides of your dorm freezer if you've run out. To this ice, you'll need to add salt. This is actual real cooking advice, we're not adding it to Spam or anything. Put it all in a bag and place some ice cream batter into a smaller bag inside. Punt this bag around your apartment for 20 minutes.
STEP 10) While you're punting, you'll need to think about decoration for your ice cream. This should be easy with the following:
SPRAY ICING IS A REAL THING
I guess I never knew this, but you can get propelled icing. I nearly dropped my basket shopping when I saw this. This changes everything. Why do we even have other foods? Why aren't we just spraying icing into our face for every meal?
STEP 11) Once the ice cream has hardened (well, as hard as liquified meat will get), plop it into a dessert bowl.
STEP 12) Lastly, we have decoration to add. Use the Cool Whip and the spray frosting to draw on the A&M logo, and top it all off with Johnny Tangball. (TOPICAL SPORTS REFERENCE)
That...that looks edible. I mean, It looked good enough to try. There's been worse things eaten by humanity. And they make weird shit into ice cream on Chopped all the time. So I did.
Verdict: Egregiously vomitous.
You're welcome, Aggieland. And everyone thank GBH for letting me do this.