Spilly's NCAA Tournament food bracket of doom

At least there's sprinkles

Spilly is back with a March Madness bracket. He tried to use every ingredient in the bracket and it turned out ... ugh.

Last week I asked you folks to come up with a theme for this entry, as we had an open spot in the charity drive meals. You did not disappoint. There were a ton of great, horrible awfulbest ideas, and the winner was one I was thinking of doing anyway, but hadn't decided to commit to until Mr. AUCub suggested it. That basically means that if you dare me to do anything, I'll do it. Today, we'll be making the most complicated and likely most abhorrent cobbler ever made.

This week we have sixty-eight entries for a full NCAA Tournament field of Spillymeal Ingredients. Most have been used before in a meal, but we have some newcomers here. They've been separated into regions and seeded accordingly.

Observe and argue seeding accordingly (Click for legibility):


When I released the bracket yesterday on Twitter, there were some calls of heresy. How could you stack lard and mayo in the same region? Where was the Cheezy Spred, and the spray cheese? Friends, we will never agree on 68 awful ingredients. The important thing is that all of these ingredients are what I had on hand. Because honestly, what else am I going to use duck sauce for?

So let's take this region by region and make some terrifying dessert!



The odds on favorite here is obviously the one seed, Tang. It's always been the darling of this column, and you should note that it resides in the Seasoning bracket, and not the Liquids bracket because I don't think we've ever used Tang as a liquid before. Cheesoning has been a crowd favorite in the past due to its ludicrous name and lack of actual cheese. The dark horse here might be the beef cubes, last seen in our alfredo dish. The Seasoning regional will be combined together to form the crumbly topping of our cobbler. Mix them all in a bowl with a little bit of water to let it solidify.


After you're done, you should end up with something like this:


I decided to go with blue food coloring, which ended up making it a dark, murky green. It looks like mold, and it likely tastes much much worse.



The Prepared Regional was originally the "everything else goes here" region, and then I realized just how much of everything I used is processed brickfood. So I changed the name. This region will be our fruity cobbler base! With....moderately less fruit.

Taking the top seed in this region is the surprising Spray Icing, a relatively new ingredient seen just last week. Some say it's the most overrated of the top seeds. I say that it's a miracle of mankind that we have propelled icing in our lives now. Newcomers are the Mini-Wheats, Chewing Gum, and an old Kashi bar I found on the floor. The second seeded Uncrustable from the old chili recipe is coming into the tournament with a chip on its shoulder after being shut out of a top seed. Your upset special? EZ Mac. It's got a dual threat of both battle hardened macaroni and smooth cheese powder.

Take the entire region and chop it up in another mixing bowl.


Note: Do not blend! You know, for now. We want to keep some of these ingredients whole so they don't revert to mush as easily when it's baked. Once you've mixed together all 17, you should end up with this:


Again, set aside for the Final Four.



The Refrigerated Regional was an excuse to clean my fridge. I'm not going to lie to you folks. There's been some things in there for a long, long time. In fact, Tartar Sauce SHOULD have been in this region, but due to my lack of actually refrigerating an open container for five months, it was moved to the Liquids regional before being disqualified entirely once I opened the bottle, inhaled, and discovered my grievous error.

Mayo is the titan here at first glance. It's certainly become villain of the Internet as of late: a pasty white magnet of torment and treachery. Basically, mayonnaise is Duke. However, this region has the strongest 2 seed out there with lard. As esteemed colleague Steven Godfrey pointed out last night, the divide on mayo / lard seemed to run along northern and southern lines. When Civil War II inevitably breaks out, I expect cannonballs of lard and mayonnaise to streak across the battlefield. Goober Grape and Reddi Whip round out the favorites here, whereas the frozen burrito comes into the tournament streaking - it's now appeared in three straight Spillymeals (I have to get rid of the package without eating, for consuming them begets an intestinal conniption).

This region will be mixed in with the Prepared Region to be the foundation of the cobbler. Whereas that region will be chunks, this one will be the creamy mortar that holds it together. This isn't figurative language. I think I've actually created mortar.

We'll use, of course, the blender. Please be aware that a strip of chicken is very easily blended. I expected more of a fight from my meat ingredients.


And when you've finally liquified everything, you should end up with this.


Again, we will set aside for later.



The last region will make up our sauce for both the cobbler and crumb topping. Again, Tartar Sauce had to be eliminated due to unapproachable stink. The odds-on favorite here is Sriracha, or as you and I know it as, Internet Paste. Sriracha has been the internet's prized hot-sauce since the dawn of time (or maybe 2009). Here it will attempt to make a final run at glory. I get a lot of comments when I don't use Internet Paste in a recipe, so let me be honest. Sriracha is a situational ingredient. Whenever I make these, if I use it, I guarantee that the dish and my kitchen will smell like sriracha. It overpowers everything I throw at it. Perhaps I shouldn't be using an entire cup of it at a time. Of note in this region is the Hershey Syrup / Maple Syrup 8/9 matchup, as well as the odd inclusion of a Woodchuck Pumpkin I found in the fridge. The two seed Gogurt looks to make the same strong run in the vein of it's kindergarten lunchbox pal, the Uncrustable. Bacon Ranch will be a tough out as well.

We won't need a lot of sauce, so don't use entire bottles in this. Mix them all up in a small bowl.


That is...less than appetizing looking.

We're down to the Final Four now - Each region has produced...well...something. Mostly brown piles of various viscosity. It's time to get down to business.


Combine the chunky dry filling with the blended paste in a casserole dish. Be sure to coat it well so it sticks together. Once that's done, pour on the liquid sauce to fill any holes left over. If done properly, your food should look like the following:


Lastly, evenly spread on the crumbly topping of the Seasoning Regional.


Lastly, throw it all in the oven until April. By then, you'll be tired of the tournament and just want to get it over with.


Oh...ugh. So we've...we've basically made human waste. I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for cobbler.I think what we've done here instead is completely replicate the digestive cycle. Let's brighten the mood with some extra sprinkles!


There you have it, internet. We've used sixty-eight ingredients to make one dish. Congratulations on creating the most needlessly complex pile of compost on the planet. Enjoy the tournament, everyone!

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