Hello Internet. The Final Four is over, the NBA and NHL playoffs aren’t here quite yet, and baseball has totally been fun for an entire week but I’d be okay with not paying attention to it again until August. Alarmingly, it’s now the point of the year where I can no longer easily make fun of college towns and their food, so we’ll have to look elsewhere for merriment. Right now, it’s Masters time again, and that means I get to tackle Georgia. I will admit, I’ve watched maybe four rounds of golf in my life, mostly when the US Open was in Pittsburgh, but I’ve seen enough highlights on SportsCenter to confidently talk about it. Here is what happens at The Masters:
1. Tiger Woods hits a ball.
2. A camera moves at roughly 80 miles an hour to track a tiny speck. It resembles a camcorder UFO video.
3. The ball lands very far away. There is polite clapping.
4. Tiger Woods is angry and yells and/or throws a very expensive metal stick.
5. Other people who are not Tiger Woods also do this in the periphery. One guy wears orange pants?
7. Whoever wins is initiated into some sort of secret Cult of the Verdant Robe.
In any case, today we’ll be celebrating this achievement on the links by making our own homemade linked sausages!
STEP 1) I’ve made a sausage sandwich before, but we used store-bought sausages. We've grown a lot since then, so it’s time to take off the training wheels and make our own. Of course, in any sausage, the main ingredients are various unmentionable animal parts! Let’s start with some beef.
Why grind up the meat when it can come processed, packaged (in dough pockets) and sauced! Dump in half a can of ravioli into a bowl.
STEP 2) Sausages tend to have more than one animal inside of them. We’ll be using chicken next.
Open up a can of racist chicken spread. I’ll be honest, it’s going to be a bit noxious. The can touts how amazing it would be in so many different meals and sandwiches, but unless you’re hiding it as filler in a soufflé or breakfast cereal, I’m not sure any human would survive eating this. After spooning some out, give the rest to your cat.
STEP 3) Next up is pork! I was fresh out of pork chops, or bacon, or spam, but I still had these:
This will add some delicious meatcrunch to your sausage! (It turns out that pork rinds really ARE used in the making of sausages, which is actually a bit more unsettling to me than any other part of this meal.) Now it’s time for the blender!
STEP 4) Take everything you have so far and slowly grind it up in the blender. make sure to get the pork rinds fully crushed so they fill the casings easier later.
STEP 5) I said before that I was going to tackle Georgia, and so we’re going to add in some special southern flavors to our sausage so you’ll feel right at home at Augusta.
Do you know how hard it is to find peaches in HEAVY syrup these days? It's all "light! natural! organic!" If I wanted organic, I'd buy a real peach. When I want diabetes-inducing orange semicircles, I buy a can of peaches in glucotic sludge. Of course, with this, we'll add a giant spoonful of chunky peanut butter, the smell of which will strangely overpower the entire meatpaste.
STEP 6) Add these into the mixture and blend vociferously.
STEP 7) On to the casing. I will admit, when I was coming up with this idea, I couldn’t find the right casing to use that would stand up to the horrors/culinary delicacy I have created. Immediately, Spillygirl suggested the perfect answer. She’s a keeper, folks.
STEP 8) Unwrap a Fruit rollup on the countertop. Leave the plastic on it for now, it’ll make it easier to seal up the sausage once you have it filled. Take a measuring cup, and pull out a glob of paste.
STEP 9) Take this cup and put it into a small sandwich bag. Curl the bag up so everything is in one corner, and cut off the corner. What we have is a simplified pastecannon, which I was unable to use because I didn’t have a suitable tube roll to use as the cylinder. In any case this will be used to fill the fruit roll-up casing.
STEP 10) Squeeze the meat into the rastafarian fruit rollup. If you get a peach or unbroken pork rind in your way, you may have to massage the bag to get more filling out. Afterwards, roll it lengthwise, and crimp the tips with your fingers.
PRESTO! You just made a sausage! Repeat with the rest of the casings until you have 10 delicious tubes of ground livestock and Georgia. We’re not quite done, we’ll want to serve these sausages in something, and if you’re going to be eating on the go at the Masters, you’ll most likely want this as a sandwich.
STEP 11) We need a bread that Southerners will appreciate more than any other:
Ah yes, glazed donuts. And look, there’s already a place for the sausage inside! Cut it in half lengthwise and you have two buns already.
STEP 12) The only thing left is to top it with your favorite propellant sauces: I chose spray cheese and icing, with a dab of Internet Paste and a Tangball to finish the dish:
With that, your pregame meal is complete. Pass these out for friends, or trade them in the parking lots for that elusive Masters badge you couldn’t get a hold of. Enjoy!