Let's meet our panelists:
Your 11-year-old cousin is the markin'est mark that has ever lived. He has torrented every work of John Cena media. His video game create-a-wrestlers have unlocked elbow pads you can't even imagine. His mom makes him his own Cool Ranch tacos from scratch. He and his best friend have a make-believe tag team called "John Cena and The Rock," though they take turns being John Cena. He cares about Tout. He says he's on the John Cena workout plan, which to him means elbow drops on the trampoline. Everything is incredible. He has written his own lyrics to John Cena's entrance music and performed them at his youth group.
Your 46-year-old neighbor spends all of his time on pro wrestling message boards, hates almost everything and only bets on the Diva matches these days, "for a greater challenge." In some abandoned corner of his mind, he's a wrestler whose gimmick is taking wrestling too seriously on purpose.
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Jack Swagger (World Heavyweight)
Your 11-year-old cousin: JACK SWAGGER ISN'T REALLY RACIST BUT MY GRANDPA LIKES HIM ANYWAY
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Buddy in Memphis, good source, says Vince [McMahon] has warmed to racist angles after a 40 percent reduction in how much he likes racist angles. Jake [Hager, who performs as Jack Swagger] to win. Jose [Alberto Rodríguez, who performs as Alberto Del Rio] to be named Raw GM for one month and then marry Patricia [Stratigias, who performs as Trish Stratus] for one month and then develop a food truck gimmick until Vince forgets about it.
Team Hell No (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler, Big E. Langston (WWE Tag Team)
Your 11-year-old cousin: NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES HA HA HA HA HA HA NO YES
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Fishy stuff going on. Guy in Little Rock who knows Eric [Bischoff, who has nothing to do with any of this] says Daniel [Bryan of Team Hell No] the favorite for a title run after turning on Glenn [Jacobs, who performs as Kane of Team Hell No]. Guy who knows Eric hasn't ever watched wrestling though. YMMV as to whether to trust that guy. I stake my entire reputation on him. Just passing along. Tie your own noose.
Mark Henry vs. Ryback
Your 11-year-old cousin: RYBACK IS PROBABLY STRONGER BECAUSE MARK HENRY LOOKS FAT [Mark Henry is legitimately one of the strongest humans ever.]
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Blood in the water. Radio dark in Connecticut. Check with me on Twitter. Abort. I've been compromised. The moderator on this board is a dick.
The Shield vs. Randy Orton, Sheamus, Big Show
Your 11-year-old cousin: RANDY ORTON IS COOL BECAUSE HE'S EVEN TORMENTED BY DEMONS WHILE HE TANS
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Stephen [Farrelly, who performs as Sheamus] is going through some things in his personal life to which I can't speak, per someone in Marietta with knowledge of the situation. Icky stuff. You don't even want to read about it. I'm assured Vince is uneasy and almost certain to retire tomorrow morning. I buried the lede here.
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
Your 11-year-old cousin: BOOOOOOOOORING OOOOOOOOOOLD GUYS
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Talked to good source in Cobb County. Heads are rolling. Jericho will win, then be fired on Raw. It's Starrcade '79 all over again. Epic collapse. Something about sleeping with a Dudley. Screaming for miles. No survivors. Anyone played that new Lara Croft?
Wade Barrett (c) vs. The Miz (Intercontinental)
Your 11-year-old cousin: THIS IS THE SAME GUY TWICE
Your 46-year-old neighbor: Feel for Wade, as reputable sources in Tampa assure me he's a good kid, but he's destined to be buried for a thousand years after an incident I'm not at liberty to disclose at this time. Heard it from a booker in Tallahassee. Name's Sean. Can't say any more. Wade wins this one though, in order to shake the trail.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
Your 11-year-old cousin: /spits water like Triple H, but mockingly
Your 46-year-old neighbor: After Brock wins the belt at 2014 SummerSlam via a worked kayfabe shoot job oversold screwjob, unimpeachable source in Cincinnati swears upon his life that Brock's dropping the belt to Paul [Wright, who performs as the Big Show] at the Rumble, but I don't believe that for one second. No way he'll hold it that long.
Undertaker vs. CM Punk
Your 11-year-old cousin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CENA WINS UNDERTAKER-CM PUNK TOO
Your 46-year-old neighbor: My guy in Charlotte says Mark [Calaway, who performs as the Undertaker] is ... BRB. Podcasting.
The Rock (c) vs. John Cena (WWE)
Your 11-year-old cousin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS CENA WINS ROCK SUCKS
Your 46-year-old neighbor: With John set to break Mark [this is still what your neighbor calls the Undertaker]'s streak at next year's WrestleMania [this has not been confirmed or really even rumored], the question looms as to whether John will hold the belt longer than did Phillip [yeah, still calls CM Punk this] or to top Richard [Fliehr, who performs as Ric Flair] for most title reigns ever. Not to get ahead of ourselves, but a rock-solid source in Birmingham says Cena's next four WrestleMania opponents after Mark will all be guys from Shane's [McMahon, son of Vince] side of the company. Something to watch for through the year 2018.
Tons of Funk, Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars, Bella Twins
Your 11-year-old cousin: What the f--- is this.
Your 46-year-old neighbor: I don't f---in' know, kid.