The 2013 NFL Draft class, if you listen to just about anyone who's been studying it, is the worst we've seen in at least a decade. Franchise quarterbacks such as Robert Griffin III, Andrew Luck, and Russell Wilson went out the door last year, and the likes of Jadeveon Clowney are still a year away, leaving teams in a no-man's-land of talentless no-gooders.
Like I always say, though, you never know when the next NFL Draft is going to be scheduled, and you never know what's going to happen at the NFL Draft. The top five picks in this year's draft belong to the Chiefs, Jaguars, Raiders, Eagles and Lions. Let's take a look at the top five picks on the board, and see how they'll benefit these franchises.
Jorsh Jrorsh (DE, Troy)
Pros: Originally tabbed as a "real lunch-pail kind of guy," Jrorsh's work ethic has been marked even higher in recent weeks, with one scout remarking, "yeah, just a real, lunch-pail kind of fella," and another going as far as to say that, "he sometimes carries food with him to the place that he is going and will soon be at (in the future), such that he may eat it at said destination, and he elects to store said food in a bucket."
Cons: Jrorsh showed relatively limited agility during the shuttle run drill at the 2013 Combine.
Jon's take: jrorsh is a perfect fit for a chiefs squad with a win-now attitude. "the only ballgame is winning" says head coach mark vlasic
Jury Executioner Reinhold (P, Western Michigan)
Pros: While he hasn't demonstrated an ability to reliably "coffin-corner" a punt, a 15-year-old Reinhold contributed regularly to a newsletter run by his father, a funeral-home magnate.
Cons: His back-page column, "Koffin Korner 4 Kidz!," failed to find an audience despite the periodical's placement in over 45 Michigan-area funeral parlors.
Jon's take: reinhold is a perfect fit for a jaguars squad with a win-now attitude. punting is the klobb of football
Bradimir St. Mr. Jesus (QB, Akron)
Pros: Seems like he knows what "footwork" is and why it's important even though the arms are the things you're throwing with, and would probably explain it to you if you drafted him. On one occasion, his footwork so impressed the scouts in attendance that many of them admitted it was the most glorious phenomenon they had ever witnessed, and that all beautiful things they had seen prior faded into nothing. One of them barfed!
Cons: While coaches have lauded his proactiveness with regard to play calling, he has in the past over-reached his boundaries and attempted to draw up plays of his own. To complicate matters further, St. Mr. Jesus apparently fails to understand that he is not allowed to call plays for players on the other team.
Jon's take: reinhold is a perfect fit for a raiders squad with a win-now attitude. start your own NFL team today
Bob Bob Bobby Bob-Bobby Bobby Bob Bob Bob-Bob Bobby Bob Bob (WR, New Mexico)
Pros: By drafting Mr. Bob Bobby Bob-Bobby Bob Bob Bob-Bob Bobby Bob Bob, the Eagles would, in an instant, end the drought of guys named Bob in professional sports. Is better at remembering birthdays than most.
Cons: Coaches and scouts alike are troubled by his catching mechanics. Since high school, wide receivers coaches have worked with him, but he has proven unresponsive to coaching. NFL scouts agree that in order to succeed in the league, he will need to stop carrying a birthday cake everywhere.
Jon's take: bob bobby bob-bobby bobby bob bob bob-bob bobby bob bob is a perfect fit for an eagles squad with a win-now attitude. cake sucks
Robert Awful (Kneel returner, freelance)
Pros: Is a multi-sport talent. Played for the Lakers during the 2011-12 NBA season. Is staggeringly handsome.
Cons: Scouts agree that Awful is "kind of a weird bird." In 2012, he wordlessly staggered onto UNLV's field during a game, dragging two chairs and a blanket behind him. He assembled a blanket fort, sat cross-legged inside of it, and read pamphlets about electrical safety until security forcibly removed him. Inexplicably, he routinely evades the reach of the legal system, and managed to interrupt a total of 63 NCAA games with his blanket forts. There appears to be no getting rid of him.
Some scouts feel that they could at least allow him to feel like he's participating by utilizing him at kneel-returner, a position they just made up that would place him in his own end zone in the event of a terribly botched quarterback kneel that flies 50-plus yards. The same scouts wonder whether he even wants to feel like he's participating. Kind of a lone wolf.
Jon's take: robert awful is a perfect fit for a lions squad with a win-now attitude. the nfl draft is boring and wicked dorky