Rather than wait for columnists to bait readers into blind Internet anger, we at SB Nation believe in setting the curve ourselves and doing so honestly. In this installment of "Preemptive Trolling," we imagine what a syndicated NFL analyst might have to say about Colin Kaepernick taking in Game 4 of the Spurs-Warriors series.
Look, "Kap," I know your team got to the Super Bowl and it's the offseason, but you aren't a champion. You're no Joe Flacco. He's elite. You, you're just out there watching a sport that isn't even football.
Joe Flacco lives and breathes football. He keeps a football under his pillow when he goes to sleep and he has a pillow shaped like a football. His bed is also shaped like a football.
Who are you to spend time wearing hats and checking your phone at an NBA Playoff game? You should be eating pig to get closer to the holy pigskin. Is your phone a playbook? Didn't think so.
Since you're not practicing the game you are so lucky to play for a living, I bet you have plenty of time to get more tattoos, now don't you? What a fraud. Joe Flacco has only one tattoo, and it used to say "I <3 Mom," but he crossed out "Mom" and wrote "FOOTBALL."
Take it from me, Kap, you don't have time for this. The only Warriors are on the court, and you're not one of them.