Greetings, Internet! Today we'll be making a meal for hockey, a sport I've been neglecting since January. Despite the lack of appearances, I can assure you that hockey has been present in Casa de Spilly, as Spillygirl is a devoted follower of the hometown Penguins and their deepening playoff run. This is not a Penguin meal however, for doing so would surely end our relationship once she found out that I'd blended Iceburgh the mascot. Instead, I'm making you my version of everyone's favorite food you can eat out of a giant silver championship cup: breakfast cereal. It's completely homemade too, because who hasn't looked at a box of Lucky Charms and said, "Well, it's nice, but what if it had more cheese?"
STEP 1) Grain is the cornerstone of any breakfast cereal. Grain and marshmallows. And frosting. And diabetes. So to begin today's meal, I started with a common household grain:
THE EDIBLE PACKING PEANUT
Now you may be saying, "But Mr. Spillington, packing peanuts are chewy foam plastic products and don't grow out of the ground at all!" You'd be wrong! Because due to the magic of science and hipsters, we now have completely biodegradable packing peanuts made from corn. Or wheat ... or ... some sort of starch. Anyway, it's cerealish and the website says you can eat it! Fill up a bowl full of them and toss in just a bit of water.
STEP 2) The peanuts will rapidly dissolve into mush.
Keep kneading the peanuts until they've all dissolved into paste. You may need to do this several times as you won't get a lot of substance out of it once the air escapes. Congratulations! You now have the blandest food ever created! LET'S BLEND THINGS INTO IT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE BLENDED.
STEP 3) It's important that we stay nutritionally balanced throughout this meal. We have our grains squared away, but what about protein? And more importantly, we're worried about kids eating sugary cereal nowadays, right? Well, let's use that to sneak in a little bit of something kids usually don't eat ...
It even comes with bonus chicken blood that you can use as flavorings in pies, ice creams, and pancake syrups! Plop a few of these in with the mushball. I just want to point out that on my blender instructions, it told me to never blend meat. At this point I think I've blended six or seven entire animals in this thing and it still keeps going. Entire farmyards have yielded to my puréeing will.
STEP 4) Once you've ground that up into a delicious meaty paste, you'll want to toss it back into the bowl so we can thicken it up a bit to make our cereal pieces. If you have any cornstarch or flour, throw that in. If not, shred up old printer paper. Make sure to add sugar! Without enough sugar in this, children may TASTE the meat!
STEP 5) Continue adding powdery stuff you find around the house to the bowl until you get a nice dough. Ball it up and knead it repeatedly to work out any lumps or pockets of talcum powder.
STEP 6) This may take a bit of time, but it's worth it! You'll need these cereal pieces to be fun shaped! Lucky Charms has leveraged every tired Irish stereotype into marshmallow shapes ("They're after me marshmallow Jameson bottles!") in order to stay relevant. Here, we're going to go with the classic O shape. Begin pulling off sections of the dough and wrapping them in O's on a baking sheet. After you've made these, top them with a generous helping of spray cheese to act as delectable frosting.
At this point, if you have a pet, it may be pacing furiously back and forth at your feet. You may then realize that you've reinvented the milk bone.
STEP 7) Bake these for 40 days and 40 nights until sizzling. Now it's time to move on to the milk! You didn't think we'd actually just use regular milk for this, did you? Goodness, no. This ingredient comes from @stefanielaine, who has been patiently waiting for her meal ingredient to be used since December. Those still waiting, I haven't forgotten! I just needed the best time to use them. This is that time.
It has milk in it! It's basically the same thing! You'll need to melt this down, of course, so spoon some of this in a bowl and nuke it forever.
STEP 8) Our cereal is basically really big meatcheerios, and if we're going to sell this, we need a fun, nutritionally vacuous piece of child-kibble. But what easily recognizable sugar pellet goes great with mint chocolate liver?
Mmmmmm, lemon strawberry mint meat circles. I am salivating.
STEP 9) For our hockey theme, we can't just use a regular bowl for the cereal. No, we need the Stanley Cup. Grab one near you and fill it with Spillycereal:
There's extra on the baking sheet! How lucky are you! You get seconds after this!
Take the melted ice cream and pour it on top of the cereal and Skittles. Be careful to get all those chocolate chunks on the bottom!
That's damn fine eatin' right there. It's part of this balanced breakfast (the other half is Spam and wall spackle waffles). So eat up, hockey fans. There's a few weeks left until the Cup Finals, so you have time to perfect this recipe. The last thing we need for our delicious concoction is a name. I have just the idea:
Over the last few weeks, I was approached by @FreakEating on Twitter, who runs a YouTube channel where he takes on food challenges. He agreed to pick a meal I've made and film himself eating it. He did this thing. And he lived. So sit back and watch a man consume Aggie Ice Cream. I should feel bad that I put a human being through this, but I lost that innocence a long, long time ago when I decided to put mayonnaise and marshmallow fluff together.
Cheers to you, sir.