The French Open continues this weekend, and with the NBA Finals next week, I thought it would be good to take care of the tennis now before everyone gets caught up in basketball then. More importantly, I get to take on French food, which to me means finding recipes with letters I need to search and copypaste in because my keyboard doesn’t have them. Today, we make crêpes!
STEP 1) I decided to make the filling first. The base for this was easy; I used an ingredient suggested by Daniel Hodes in December: Baconnaise. Much to my surprise, my local store no longer carries this upstanding product, meaning I had to make my own:
Pour these in equal parts into your mixing bowl. To this, we’re going to add something that will keep our sauce creamy but deliver that beefy protein we need. I honestly can’t believe it took me until now to utilize ...
One whiff of this stuff makes me realize why babies throw this stuff across the table. I honestly doubt it even gets digested; it just uses the child like a long water slide. No matter, spoon out this gelatinous cowflesh into the baconnaise.
STEP 2) Next, we’ll want to sweeten our filling. This is a crêpe, after all. I’ve eaten plenty of crêpes at IHOP (The ‘International’ part signifies that it’s 100% authentic because facts). To achieve a lightly sweetened note, we’ll be adding the following:
I misunderstood the label here and took “NO COOKING” as a challenge. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, FRUITSLIME.
Scoop out a handful and dump it into the mixture to achieve the following:
STEP 3) We mustn’t forget that crêpes often have fruit in them as well. Sure we may have strawberry-like sauce in it, but our guests who eat this may not be able to detect the fruity notes in the mayomeat. So, to make our dish more accessible, let’s add in some orange slices.
Stir vigorously until the oranges are coated. Set aside while we make the crêpes themselves.
STEP 4) Since our theme is the French Open, what would the meal be without a reference to the striking orange clay of Roland Garros? Now, we can’t actually use clay (because of lawyers), but we CAN use the next best clay-like thing!
I ate a lot of Play-Doh as a kid (SHOCKING), so I understand how best to incorporate its salty ... salt flavor into a delicate crêpe. More importantly, I know how to combine the colors to simulate bright red-orange clay. Let me tell you that the red Play-Doh dominates the yellow here. I had to use the entire can of yellow just to make a dent in the redness of the other doughball. Still, with patience, you too can get a delicious ready-to-cook batter like below:
STEP 5) Roll this into a thin circle. This is fine and all, but we’re not going to just fry up a ball of play-doh like an uncultured rube. We’re going to enhance that non-toxic flavor with other ingredients. First off, for texture and color:
BEET HORSERADISH: For when regular horseradish isn’t terrible enough.
STEP 6) Spoon out the horseradish onto the dough and knead. Sure, it may become sticky and smell like fetid anus but give it time and that Play-Doh will eat the horseradish right up and give it a beety kick. Next, we’ll pair a sweet ingredient for balance:
Look, bonus flavor! Just what our crêpe dough needs. Once again, knead in a handful in and roll flat. Now, it’s time for the payoff. You’ll want to carefully pry up the edges of the dough and transfer it to a pan full of hot oil. CAREFUL: oil is hot, especially when that oil is also on fire.
STEP 7) Fry up both sides nice and crispy! Be careful not to let it fry too long; Play-doh has a nasty habit of becoming brittle when you fry it. The marshmallow should help it stick together and the frying beet horseradish will let your neighbors know that you’re a culinary sociopath. When it’s done, carefully transfer it to a serving plate.
STEP 8) Retrieve the filling from earlier. It may be similar in color to the crêpe itself, so for extra style, add random drops of food coloring to it until you achieve a nice, natural, lavender tone. Spoon this into the crêpe.
STEP 9) Now that you have the filling placed, carefully wrap the edges around it. This is the hardest part of the meal, as you’ve tortured this Play-Doh for the last half hour and it won’t bend easily. However, remember how to fix all classic Play-Doh mistakes: PATCHING MORE DOUGH ONTO THE HOLES. Unfortunately, I was out of red and yellow, so I used ... a different, barely noticeable color.
See now? That doesn’t look ... well ... bad? Right? Just like ... any other crêpe. Those spots MAY be noticed by your guests, so be sure to cover it up with a giant mound of whipped cream and chocolate syrup. By the time they notice it now, it’ll be too late! Top it all off with a giant Tangball, which will collapse the cream before you’re able to get a picture of it.
Look at that. It’s a meal sure to please any French Open fan. It’s light, fluffy, meaty, and full of fruit. And Play-Doh. See you next week, internet, for the NBA Finals Meal.