A preview of the Spurs' Game 2 pump-up arena jams

Ronald Martinez

Monday night at the AT&T Center, San Antonio played some pretty not-good music to pump up the crowd. Here's the playlist for Game 2, which we completely made up.

The Spurs' thrilling comeback win over the Warriors was only the second-most exciting spectacle in San Antonio Monday night. It was nothing compared to the pump-up jams blasted through the AT&T Center PA system. They played LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" right after the Spurs surrendered the lead. They played 1980s synth jams. They played Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca." It really blew my socks off, folded them together, tenderly tied a red ribbon around them, tucked in a note reading, "For you and your sandals tomorrow <3," in calligraphy pen, and set them neatly in my sock drawer.

I couldn't wait to hear the Spurs' house music during tonight's Game 2, so I jumped the gun and dug up the AT&T Center playlist. Here's what we have in store:

1. "Happy Birthday," as sung by your friends and family

This is a crackly tape recording, dating back to your eighth birthday, in which you can hear the warbled voices of your parents, siblings and friends singing to you. The Spurs chose this over a recording of your seventh birthday (soiled yourself inside a McDonald's PlayPlace), ninth birthday (had an asthma attack inside a McDonald's PlayPlace), and 10th birthday (vomited inside a McDonald's PlayPlace). This, to be clear, was your "hide and cry inside a McDonald's PlayPlace because you asked for a Nintendo and got a yard-sale Atari" year.

2. The "Mad Men" theme song, with lyrics

Ever wanted to feel like Donald Mad? Well, you surely will whenever there's an injury timeout. Here are the lyrics, if you want to sing along:

Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men

MAD MAN

Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men
Mad men, mad men

3. A wax cylinder of Alexander Graham Bell counting from 1 to 45

Feel free to count along with the rest of the crowd, but don't get caught looking like a newbie. At 27, don't immediately count to 28, because he spends the next few seconds asking his assistant for a large bowl of muffins, a spoon, and a sack of mousemilk. Wait until he says, "I's to make me a bowl of steamsman's porridge!" Say it along with him, and then resume counting.

Oh, and don't be the rookie who says "arrrgh I am an 1800s guyyyyy" out of the corner of his mouth. We know you're new here, bro.

4. The 10-minute outro on Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water"

This track features a couple minutes of Ben Stiller rambling about how much he likes Limp Bizkit, then cackling. That five-second cackle is then looped over and over for the next three minutes. Fun fact! I did not make that up:

Limp Bizkit and Ben Stiller. If you do this while Tim Duncan is around, all the little molecular clocks around you will wind back to the year 2000, then burst like popcorn and turn into little floating translucent globules of ennui. The kids love it.


5. A recording of a white man in a polo shirt explaining why he didn't tip the guys playing the bucket drums outside the arena

Lyrics:

Well they're talented, no doubt about that.

You just never know where that money's going.

What if they use that money to buy drugs? Great, now you're a drug dealer.

I just don't understand why they have so many drummers.

Pick up a guitar, now you're got some music.

Hey, let me know if you see an ATM. I'm going to buy a cup of pop once we get in the stadium.

How much do you figure they charge in there for a cup of pop?

An arm and a leg, probably. Highway robbery.

Sure could go for a nice big cup of pop.

Mary? Mary, did you want to get a cup of pop too?

Ask the Mitchells if they want to get a cup of pop before we sit down or after.

If they have pop cup holders at the concession booth, we could just get their pops for them.

I think Craig likes diet pop.

I can't wait to purchase & drink a cup of pop.


6. Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music," overdubbed with 17 minutes of Kendrick Lamar's parents fretting over the whereabouts of his dad's dominoes

F*** THEM DAMN DOMINOES NOBODY WANNA HEAR THAT


7. Everything Darren Rovell tweeted last night, narrated by children, while Todd Rundgren's "All the Children Sing" music video plays on the Jumbotrons

Before we move on: holy Hell, Todd Rundgren. You acquired every drug in the world, put them all up your butt at the same time, and made a music video.

8. A defense of what Darren Rovell said, given by someone wearing cargo pants with a handful of locusts in each pocket

"Well, nobody said life was fair. If you have a problem with what Rovell said, I think you need a lesson in free markeSCCRREEEEEEEEEEEE--

9. "Keep Me In Your Heart" by Warren Zevon

The last track on the last album the late Warren Zevon ever recorded. Referees will be forced to decide whether "embracing your opponent and sobbing" constitutes an off-the-ball foul.

10. The recorded contents of a display-model Talkboy in a K-Mart, circa 1994

"I don't perceive Home Improvement as a television show, so much as a conduit through which I discovered the laugh-a-minute Thunder Alley."

"You know who's awesome? Mike Lansing."

"boogers"

"I heard that if pollution gets any worse, we won't be able to see the color mephistopheles anymore. I sure hope that isn't true. It's my favorite color."

"[armpit fart noise]"

"I'm really tired of all the bacon memes."

"hiiii kiiids we're hooome eeaaaaarly"

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