The List: Completely reasonable requests made by the Ottawa REDBLACKS

The CFL's newest expansion franchise, the Ottawa REDBLACKS, have requested that the media type their name in all caps. Here are some other requests they may as well have made.

1. Please do not simply say "REDBLACKS" out loud. Shout it into a small mahogany box, close the lid, and present it to the party to whom you are speaking.

2. When using REDBLACKS in a sentence, place umlauts over every character of every word in the sentence except for REDBLACKS.

3. REDBLACKS is not a noun, verb or adjective. It is not a part of speech. It is speech.

4. If you lose this public notice re: REDBLACKS usage, please try to somehow not lose this part of the page, because this is where we remind you to procure a replacement from the REDBLACKS office, free of charge.

5. You are never to use Twitter or any other social network to talk about REDBLACKS. You can only use the REDBLACKS app.

6. The REDBLACKS app only works with proprietary REDBLACKS hardware known as the REDBLACKS ChatMaster. It is roughly the size of an iPad, weighs 14 pounds, features wall mounts, and does not support wi-fi. Please connect it via ethernet.

7. Please ensure that there are only 1,500 recorded instances of the word REDBLACKS at any given time. Ensure this by saving them on a team-issued USB flash drive, which will automatically connect to our Internet server and self-erase its data if the global total of REDBLACKS mentions surpasses 1,500. We must preserve the exclusivity of REDBLACKS.

8. If you accidentally type "Redblacks" instead of "REDBLACKS" outside of the purposes of example, please instruct everyone to leave the building you are in, burn it to the ground, and then chop your arms off and jump off a cliff.

9. When using the name REDHAWKS, make sure to-- wait, what? We registered as the REDBLACKS? Well, shit, that doesn't make any sense.

(Jon Bois and Martin Rickman contributed to this List.)

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