Opinion: If you told me to skywire across the Grand Canyon, I would've been like, 'Hell no!'

Sunday night, Nik Wallenda performed a 1,500-foot wire-walk across the Grand Canyon on national TV. You were probably like, "duh, I could do that." Well, Jon Bois argues in no uncertain terms that he would never do it and thinks that it is crazy.

Hooold up. Hold up just a minute. Hold up. Guy walked a wire across the-- hold up. Guy walked a wire across the GRAND CANYON. All right hold up. Hooooooold up just a minute. Hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up holllllllld up one minute. Hold up. Hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up.

HELL. NO. If you told me to go up there with that big stick and walk my ass across the Grand Canyon, you know what I would've been like? I would've been like HELL. NO. I ain't havin' that. OK because here's why.

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1. I don't care if you gave me a billion dollars. What's a billion dollars if you're smashed to frickin' smithereens? Yeah. See, that's the kind of thing I think about. You might not have thought about that, but I did. If you fell from the Grand Canyon, that's hundreds of feet. I'm sorry. I don't care who you are. I'm sorry. You're dead, pal. You might as well be dead the second you fall off that wire, because once you do, there's nothing you can do.

2. If you told me to walk 1,500 feet across a high wire, I've got two questions for you: a) What kind of drugs are you on? And the second question, the one I asked after the first one, would be: b) hit me up with some of that! Because that must be some good stuff, to make you think I'm gonna go up there and walk across the Grand Canyon.

Basically, if you said, "Jon, I need you to take THIS pole and go up on THAT wire and walk across it," I'd first arch one of my eyebrows and be like, "are you serious?" If you weren't, it'd be all good, and I'd go back to learning online information about dogs or whatever I was doing before you told me that FUNNY ASS JOKE.

But if you weren't? I'd seriously be like, "Helllllllll no." I'm not joking. That's seriously what I would be like. Like, you think you know what I would be like, but you don't. I'm sorry. I'm not about to go walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire. I could fall, and then it'd be curtains for me. I'm sorry, but the second you saw me fall off, you might as well call up the morgue. "Yo. I got a body for you. I ain't even calling the ambulance. I'm calling the damn MORGUE. And patch me through to the funeral parlor, too. They're about to get some business." I mean, I'm sorry, but that's just the truth.

I am trying to communicate in the strongest possible terms that I have absolutely no interest in walking a high wire across the Grand Canyon, and harbor absolutely no plans or desires to do so.

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Listen, you can do whatever you want to do. Whatever floats your boat. If you want to high-wire it across the Grand Canyon, I have three words for you: Good luck, buddy. Hope you don't trip, hope you live until next Fall.

What I'm trying to achieve here is a differentiation between a) whatever floats your boat, and what I gotta do for MY life. And listen: I'm sorry, but that ain't my ballgame. You think I'm crazy? You seriously think I'm going to get a pole and go up there and risk a one-way ticket to the bottom of the Grand Canyon? You think flying coach to Toledo was a rough ride ... well, that was nothing compared to what would happen if you fell off that thing.

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I openly recognize the possibility that since the wire-walk Sunday night, someone has told you that there was no way they would do that. You may have heard this from your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, great-uncle, great-aunt, teacher, student, stepmom, stepdad, friend, family member, or cousin.

On the same token, I would also like to argue that my adamance in performing such a stunt pales those of all other people in comparison. There is NO WAY I'm doing that. I'm sorry. There's just NO WAY you're getting me to go up there and do something crazy like that.

And that's what it is, is crazy.

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