Welcome back, intrepid travelers. Last week, we began breaking down the magnum opus supplied to us by YouTube participant HelixSnake: namely, a 10-minute video containing 50 completely insane, Jacob's Ladderian glitches from the video game Skate 3. We got approximately two minutes and 17 seconds into the video before having to call it a day, so steel yourselves for Round 2. May god have mercy on our souls.
2:19: HE'S A WITCH
Is this some sort of Prototype-style video game couched in the guise of a skate-em-up? (I assume that's what the genre of skateboard-based video games is called. Skate-em-ups. Makes a lot of sense, in my opinion.) Do you have some sort of macabre and/or arcane abilities? Is this like the movie Jumper? (Note: no one has ever seen the movie Jumper, so this is a rhetorical question.)
(Also, when I referenced Prototype in the preceding paragraph, I may actually have been thinking of inFAMOUS. Because they're the exact same video game. You're not fooling anyone, Big Arcade.)
When I was young and terrified of all horror movies (even horror movie trailers), I used to stay up to watch "Saturday Night Live" and would have to leave the room if a commercial for a horror movie came on. Usually I could tell it was going to be a horror movie if a New Line Cinema logo came on the screen. Of course in retrospect, leaving the room probably made things worse, because then I was just sitting in a dark room hearing out-of-context spooky audio.
Anyway, one of those films that I was afraid of at the time and never actually got around to watching when I learned how to enjoy horror movies in earnest was The People Under the Stairs. I would leave the room and just hear the wacky audio of TV spots like this and be forced to imagine what the movie was about or what the monsters looked like or think "yeah maybe just don't go in that particular house?"
My point is that from 2:36 to 2:45 in this video is what I imagine The People Under the Stairs is like. If I'm incorrect, please never inform me of this.
This is why those yellow lines are at the boundaries of supermarket parking lots, people. Be smart; don't steal carts. (Attention supermarket companies: I will let you buy that slogan off of me for one million dollars US.)
Million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
This is how Houdini died.
3:31: So far, this entire game (or what we've seen of it, anyway) feels like when you'd "play" Mouse Trap as a kid. By which I mean you'd just set up the titular mouse trap and just try to set it off like half a dozen times. But it almost never worked twice in a row perfectly. You'd always have to manipulate part of it by hand halfway through.
You've outlived your usefulness, man in the tub. I'm wise to your Rube Goldbergian ways.
I just can't stop thinking about this.
I love Alan Moore and all, but reading it from a contemporary perspective, Miracleman is kind of awful. [Ed. note: this fulfills Bill's esoteric comic book joke quota for the next two months.]
I'd make a Koko B. Ware joke, but I'm already in hot water with the higher-ups.
This is possibly the greatest recovery since Hugh Grant's career. That joke still plays, right?
4:25: This is by far -- by FAR -- the most I have laughed to this point in the video. The timing of it. Perfection. Also, dig the all-black tinted windows on that primer-gray uh ... car of some sort. And it slowly rolls by after making sure the skateboarder isn't moving. Seems to me like this was a targeted hit. In more ways than one!
TO BE CONTINUED