Ethan Booker found the gem of the week when he tweeted a link to the above video on Thursday. We all owe him an enormous debt of gratitude. But it's a trailer for a movie about a gorilla that plays baseball, so I have some real thoughts and questions about this, as do the rest of you, I'm sure.
1. Letting a gorilla raise a small child seems unsafe, even for circus folk. Like, seriously, have you seen the size of a gorilla? A real one, I mean. Not this animated dealie in the trailer. They're way bigger than a baby. They could potentially tear a baby or toddler limb from limb. Not that they'd make a habit of it or anything, but you also wouldn't want to tempt fate by being all, "No, this gorilla seems to like this orphan. Let's see how this plays out." Even the circus is subject to Child Protective Services. ... right? Please tell me that's right.
2. Dire Straits is shorthand for "sports montage" in any language. Never before has a band cut across nationalities and cultures to instantly let you know "Yo, sports are about to happen."
3. The circus collapses (?), so the girl and her gorilla (celeb couple name "girlrilla") head to the big city to strike it rich as a baseball player. This is basically the same storyline as the film The Scout, except it is a massive upgrade because the Brendan Fraser role is played by an imaginary gorilla.
4. Are the girl and the gorilla counting as one player? Because she's in a uniform and keeps being shown taking the field with the gorilla (and HOLDING A WHIP), but isn't really shown playing baseball. Is this a new, unofficial position like batboy? Apegirl? What, a gorilla enters the league and now everyone has to stock and pay apegirls? Seems like something the owners would pitch a fit over.
5. WHO IS LETTING A YOUNG GIRL AND A GORILLA CAVORT ATOP A BASEBALL STADIUM? This is worse than someone driving a truck on the upper deck. Jesus, maybe this IS out of the jurisdiction of Child Protective Services.
6. The gorilla is shown hitting (frightening) and running the bases (absolutely, blood-curdlingly chilling) and in one brief shot shown throwing a pitch, but is not shown fielding at any time. This is what the designated hitter hath wrought, everyone. This is what we National League fans are fighting against. Sooner or later: gorillas.
7. Apparently you can just fly a helicopter over a packed baseball stadium and shoot a -- T-shirt gun? -- at a gorilla and all anyone will do is act mildly shocked. I guess everyone just kind of hates gorillas.
8. Seriously, imagine trying to field a grounder and a GOSH DANG GORILLA is running full-bore at you. How would any owner ever possibly sign off on another team fielding a gorilla? Sure, you open the league for gorillas everywhere, but right off the bat (baseball term) you're looking at a gorilla gap.
9. Gorillas are the new market inefficiency. I'm really looking forward to the Jonah Keri book about this.