The NBA's Penis Monologue is a real thing

USA TODAY Sports-Archive

Some "NBA All-Star Legends" are going to be talking about their celebrity penises in a stage production. They're also going to be in a TV show. No, really.

Hi, I'd like to tell you what I've learned about a Broadway play called "Penis Monologue". I know it is a Broadway play because the title bar of its website says "Broadway Play". What sort of Broadway play is it, though? Let's read the "About Us" section:

Penis Monologue Symposium is a unique play that takes the ideas originally presented in the Vagina Monologues© 20 years ago and puts them in the male perspective. Our goal is to help men and women understand what they want from each other while addressing and dispelling many of the myths that exist so we can all have better communication, relationships and marriages.

Sounds great. The play, which "appeals to both men and women" opens in midtown Manhattan this weekend, and will raise money to donate to charities unnamed.

Why am I telling you about this? Let's pick up midway through creator Joe Brown's background on the production. After mentioning the famous Vagina Monologues (no "©" this time) as his inspiration, Brown posits that penises are more interesting than vaginas, then names some penis qualities-- "long, short, fat, skinny, curved, uncircumcised" and also "external"-- then starts listing penis topics and penis discussion questions:

Does size have anything to do with confidence or ability to please? 20 years ago the word Viagra or Cialis meant nothing and E.D. was rarely discussed. Is there a double standard when it comes to performance in bed with men and women? How does having a penis affect decisions in politics, education, religion, economics and sports will be discussed with intelligence, humor and respect. Special guest appearances by NBA All-star Legends will add to the paradigm of how celebrity penis' make so much money and end up broke. No topic is

Hold up, can you say that last part again?

Special guest appearances by NBA All-star Legends will add to the paradigm of how celebrity penis' make so much money and end up broke.

Putting aside the fluctuating fortunes of celebrity penises/penis': "NBA All-star Legends"? Indeed. Back up at the top of the page, you'll find a banner naming Kenny Anderson, Chris Gatling, and Anthony Mason as featured guests. I actually found all this through Anderson's Twitter account, where he's been promoting the show pretty persistently, even teasing the playbill and offering a review:

And how did three former New Jersey Nets end up in a penis-paradigm-busting play/symposium? Read on and you'll find that those guys are also stars of Basketball Lives, "a cable themed hybrid documentary/reality show that will break new television groundwork in its exciting and visually captivating story telling of some of America's front line talent NBA professional basketball players." The show is executive produced by Mr. Brown.

Click through for what appears to be a PowerPoint presentation about the show, and you'll find a few things:

1. Antoine Walker pictured alongside our celebrity penis experts from the other production. We're off to a good start.

2. This is a hypothetical show at this point. Brown and Director Brendan Kyle Cochrane have their stars, more than enough crew members, ideas for filming locations, ideas for potential distributors, sample episodes, and...well, they have sample episodes, so you know this isn't a real thing yet. They know the episodes will be 22 minutes long, though.

3. The sample episode begins thusly:

Open with Miami
and a Catchy Tune

Yes, perfect.

Quick shots of Miami, the nightlife, NBA crowds,

Discos, players, cars, restaurants, hotels, transition into lifestyle moments of featured talent.

4. Do we have some sample script? We have some sample script:

Sports Agent (to be cast) "what have I seen?" "Hah!" "What haven't I seen?" "You are talking about National Basketball Association players; a lifestyle that you can't even fathom. Literally signing a contract that will change not only your lifestyle but the actual world that you live in." "I've watched players make and spend millions of dollars. . ."

The episode then transitions to specific scenes of our All-Star Legends and their NBA lifestyles.

For production companies considering this project, there is a final slide of parameters for creating a pilot. I'm not a TV executive and don't want to tell TV executives how to do their jobs, but THIS MUST GET MADE. And if you have any doubts about the performing chops of these NBA All-Star legends, maybe stop by for a showing of Penis Monologue in the near future.

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