On September 6th, the Indianapolis Colts are holding what they are calling a "Kickoff Concert," and they must have really pulled some strings, because:
The event, which will be free and open to the public, will feature multi-platinum recording artist Gin Blossoms [...], performers of the smash hits “Hey Jealousy”, “Found Out About You”, “Allison Road”, “Until I Fall Away”, “Til I Hear It From You”, and “Follow You Down.”
Indianapolis has emerged on the national scene as a musical mecca, as evidenced by this off-style Wikipedia section that was pretty clearly just written by one person and includes the phrase, "South Central Indiana style of rap." Problem! The Colts don't actually open their season until Sunday, September 8th, so they have about a day and a half of stage time to fill between the Gin Blossoms and the opening kickoff.
Solution! I have written up a schedule of events that I believe is perfectly representative of the great city of Indianapolis, the grand sprawling Little-Caesar's-in-a-Kmart of the American plains.
6 p.m. - 10 p.m.
10 p.m. - 12 a.m.
Zwan tribute band.
12 a.m. - 4 a.m.
Your dad's band. They all wear sunglasses, which is a hoot.
4 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Bedtime. The people of Indianapolis require only four hours of sleep a night, because being awake in Indianapolis is an experience roughly equivalent to listening to A Prairie Home Companion while half-asleep on a futon.
8 a.m. - 10 a.m.
"Chontemporary Choir 4 Choist," an 11-piece Christian-contemporary ensemble from a local megachurch. Features a guy who does nothing but flip over a rainstick after every song.
10 a.m. - 10:00:06 a.m.
An Indianapolis tradition in which a local radio DJ asks "How's everybody doin'?" through the PA system and the crowd offers scattered, "Woooo!"s.
10:00:06 a.m. - 1 p.m.
DJ Detachable Speakers, a major player in the Indianapolis DJ/illusionist scene. He brings an Aiwa boombox on stage and detaches its speakers to the gasps of the crowd. "It's OK," he says. "The speakers are still connected with wires." His name, DJ Detachable Speakers, suddenly makes sense, and the crowd applauds.
1 p.m. - 10 p.m.
Ghoti Hook/Jars of Clay/Steven Curtis Chapman supergroup jam band
10 p.m. - 12 a.m.
Bingo night. Players mark arbitrary patterns with their daubers. Every so often, someone yells, "Bingo night!" The caller responds, "yes, that is true. It is bingo night." Games involving numbers are forbidden within city limits, although games of "Bible trivia poker" are known to be held in underground circles.
12 a.m. - 2 a.m.
Midnight screening of Cool Dog.
2 a.m. - 4 a.m.
Slam poetry. Most of it is political vitriol concerning how difficult it is to find parking at area Chili's locations. Unrest is fomented throughout the crowd, and officials are forced to cut the PA audio halfway through Patricia Harrison's "Don't Make Me Park At The Michael's Like A Slave" after an old man in section 47 throws a pretzel.
4 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Naptime, although many in attendance have drank an entire can of Sam's Choice Cola and cannot sleep.
8 a.m. - 12 p.m.
Tailgating. Those in attendance are treated to a fine sampling of Indianapolis' internationally-famous cuisine.
12 p.m. - 5 p.m.
Impromptu, unforgettable five-hour Wheatus set. Nobody goes to the game.