Congratulations! We've all survived over half of the baseball season! This is exciting because summer baseball has the monopoly on televised sports, and by July those of us who are awful baseball fans will have reduced our attention span down to daily score checks and perhaps a cursory glance at a the standings. We need something to cheer for, an interesting story to guide us through interminable 90 degree games. Let me give you that story: The Pittsburgh Pirates. Surely, by now you know that it's a historic season. As a Pittsburgher, it's absolutely jarring to hear the words "Watch out for Pirate game traffic!" on a weeknight that we're not detonating something in the air afterwards or giving away anthropomorphic pierogi toys. It's actually impossible to hate this team unless you're Dr. Claw or Gargamel or some other awful cartoon villain.
In addition, this time of year is when we as a nation do what AMERICANS do best: cheerfully collapse in weekly barbecue-induced meatsweats. And yes, it has been requested many, many times that I tackle that which you hold so dear: the rack of ribs. So let's combine these two themes: the Pittsburgh Pirates, and binge meating.
STEP 1) Ribs seem pretty easy, right? Just find a pig, yoink the ribs out of it, and smoke it forever. There's one problem with that - I can't find pigs at Walmart, so we'll need to fudge it a bit and make our own. Your guests will never know the difference, I promise you. Let's start with an easily moldable meat, as suggested by @FrothyGopher:
STEP 2) Opening these cans is like unsealing a portal of infinite swampass. This is liquified meat that I wouldn't feed to my cat. One ingredient: Partially defatted pork fatty tissue. It's defatted fat. That's some sort of antimatter shit and it will be the end of worlds. Surely this can't get any worse, right?
It's not just Spam, it's limited edition Spam. It's likely a collector's item. Opening it would just decrease its value. That's probably why the pull tab broke off and I had to jab holes into the top with a screwdriver. Now that screwdriver forever smells like fetid spicy jelloham. Let's put these two ingredients (where else) in the blender.
FOODTIP: Be careful when dealing with liquid meat. Do not let it squirt through the tines on a fork, leaving ribbons of ham on your food surfaces.
STEP 3) Now, for our first Pirate themed ingredient, we'll add something to our rib meat to give it texture, balance, and danger: Sharks.
Place the gummi sharks on top of the meat as shown below and set blender to ‘awesome'. Film it, send it to the Syfy channel, and enjoy your giant pile of money.
STEP 4) Please be aware that once you start blending this together, the spam will just...disappear. It will melt. The blender will not fight like it usually does when you tell it to chop up animal tissue. This should be disconcerting. It will also smell like a billion farts.
STEP 5) Now, how do we get this into rib shapes? I don't have a fancy McRib mold, and this pork smoothie is too loose to stay in a hand molded shape. The first solution is to add breadcrumbs to soak up the pig juice. The second solution is to knead the meat on the countertop.
STEP 6) We're getting there, but it's still not the right texture, and I'm afraid it's going to fall apart when we cook it. We need something that will be soft, but harden when it cools. Something.....like this:
STEP 7) Unwrap all the Starburst in the house and throw it into a double boiler. Let it melt while you take care of the next step: Tangy BBQ sauce. The first ingredient, obviously, is Tang. Our second ingredient is Pittsburgh's finest and most nutritious contribution to food science:
STEP 8) Lastly, we'll need something to spice up the sauce. And I've got just the thing. I've been sitting on this one for weeks while I waited to find the perfect use for it:
ALL NATURAL FISH IN A TUBE! Empty the contents into a bowl with the rest of the ingredients until you get a smooth yellow/orange sauce. It looks like cheese, but it isn't. Oh no, it isn't.
STEP 9) By this point, your Starburst should have melted into a puddle. Let's check on that now.
Yes. YES. Excellent! This will glue that meat together perfectly. Now, before it cools down, pour it right into the meat. In addition, we'll need bones for our ribs, so snap a few Twizzlers in half and set aside.
STEP 10) Now hurry up and knead that meat and taffy together quickly so it has a chance to harden up. The shark bits may try to squirt out but just fold them back in again. Soon, you should have a ball of meatdough.
STEP 11) Carefully now, break off chunks of the ribs and wrap them around the Twizzlers, making sure to line them up on a foiled pan. You may have too much, in which case, congratulations! You can make meat popsicles later by freezing the rest in ice cube trays.
STEP 13) You're almost done now. Grab that BBQ sauce you made earlier, and pour it over the ribs. It will fill in any gaps you may have left in the rack, leaving a full set of tasty meatish pork.
STEP 14) Now, cooking ribs. I looked this up on the internet and it says you need HOURS to cook them. HOURS! How do you deal with that? We want ribs NOW. Then, I found a solution that fits our theme. Cooking them Pittsburgh Rare. This turns hours into seconds! But how?
Of course! The 151 left over from the Spilly Bourbon article. And a fire extinguisher, because Spilly + Fire = disaster.
Fantastic! Look at it sizzle, and in a tiny fraction of the time you would need for laborious smoking. And what does this method give us?
Oh man. Charred and delicious. Dive into some delicious ribs, everyone!