We here at SB Nation feel it's ready to take our game to the next level. And that means we need Dwight Howard on our team.
See that picture up there, Dwight? Those are the SB Nation offices in Washington, D.C. That could be you. You could be rubbing elbows with luminaries like Spencer Hall, David J. Roth, Matt Ufford and "The Internet's Best Friend" Jon Bois. And you'd get to wear your suspenders and bow tie any dang time you please. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.
Come join the Vox Media family, Dwight. You know you want to. We may not be able to put your face on a huge building, but we've got hashtags too, gosh darn it. Check it out:
And we know you like jokes. We like jokes, too! Here's a picture of a guy with a crazy mustache! Look at that mustache! We know you're giggling already. Do you like GIFs, Dwight? You probably do. We have entire GIF tournaments. And look, we even have GIFs of you!:
If you come to our team, you can watch that ALL DAY. You don't even have to try to slam dunk or anything!
We know you're getting a lot of offers from a lot of people. Really sweet offers. I know people are offering you television shows. Did we mention we have a studio? You can have a show, just like Uffsides! Maybe we can call it "Dwight n' Uff." Or we can let you have a prank show! Like one of your favorites, "Howie Do It." We can have you dress up in hilarious costumes and fool unsuspecting people! We can call it ... I dunno, "Howard Do It." We can work on the titles later.
But allow us to sweeten the pot even further, Dwight. Let's give you just a little taste -- just a wee soupçon of the sort of perks you can expect when you come join the winning team at SBN.
You think you can beat this view, Dwight? You think they have views like this in Houston? In wherever the Warriors play?
I think not.
As previously covered, you're a man that likes whimsy. Well what, we ask you, is more whimsical than tiny men with oversized, wobbly heads?
We put forward that NOTHING is more whimsical. Your move, Mavericks.
But man cannot live on whimsy alone. Not even Dwight Howard. Say, Dwight, do you enjoy ... BEVERAGES?
Or perhaps ... GUMBALLS?
But don't worry, Dwight. Your "basketball" or whatever skills won't get rusty, either. We've got state-of-the-art equipment that will keep you in tip-top shape ... WITHOUT HAVING TO LEAVE YOUR DESK.
Dang, y'all. We really do live in the future. Smartphones and desktop basketball games. Amazing. (Note: you will not receive a company-issued smartphone, Dwight. We have to draw the line somewhere.)
I think we've made our point. (And we haven't even mentioned how much we friggin' love America.) But if you should need any further convincing, let's take a sneak peek at what the SB Nation basketball team will look like with you aboard. This may look a little familiar to you, but you will probably notice a significant upgrade -- in the form of one Mike "Basketball Guy" Prada.
Thanks for your time. We look forward to winning not four, not five, not six, but seven or more Internet championships with you.