Ever since Chris Weidman knocked out Anderson Silva to claim the UFC Middleweight Championship belt Saturday night, I've been hearing a lot of bullcrud from folks who just didn't see the fight the way I did. Though you might not know me as an MMA expert, I consider myself more than qualified to offer my take, considering:
- I bought a UFC game for my Xbox 360, created a character, named him Mark Lemke, tried to make him look as much like Mark Lemke as I could, ignored almost every skill except for punching ability, and won the Middleweight belt by just punching guys a ton and never going to the ground
- I met Luke Thomas one time
- I met Brent Brookhouse one time
- I've seen a lot of Cro Cop videos
So I'm going to take on these misconceptions and "knock them out" (MMA term) one at a time:
"I think it was okay for Anderson Silva to showboat."
Well I guess it's fine to do that if you want to lose a fight. I firmly believe that Silva should not have showboated unless he wanted to steer his showboat into a sea of hot water, which he did in the (strictly) figurative sense. A sea of hot water would be useful in a sense, since you could probably eat by just crumbling your Ramen noodles into a gunnysack and lowering it into the water, but such convenience would be nothing compared to the court-martial you would surely receive upon completing your voyage home.
"I don't think that it's important to put up your guard when you fight. I also think that the Mel Gibson film Payback was staged."
Did you even see the fight? Silva got knocked out because he didn't have his guard up.
Please try to remain on topic.
"Thhhhhpbpppt, I'm an idiot and wasn't paying attention. Anyway, putting up your guard is dumb. You should just taunt and be silly all the time. That's how you win fights."
I want to emphasize in the strongest possible terms that this is not so. The ability to guard effectively is an indispensable skill for a fighter to have. Though I concede that I was perhaps not the first to conceive of this idea, I did arrive at the idea independently.
Here are 29 scenarios in which it would be fine not to put up a guard:
- Taking a bath or shower
- Telling a joke about animals to an old man
- Flying in a helicopter
- Humming a Fenix TX song while painting a shed
- Reading information and facts about ducks
- Burning your Eagle Scout shirt in a dumpster
- Going car shopping and trying to find the vehicle that's right for you and your family
- Having sex with your friend
- Telling lies of convenience with regard to how you acquired your umbrella
- Thinking about getting your very own pet dog
- Taking an enormous drink of juice
- Finding the piece of string in the laundry from that weird shirt you have that has a string in it, and trying to figure out where it goes
- Pretending like you're about to kick Joba Chamberlain in the penis, but then not
- Appeasing a despot
- Cutting broccoli into incredibly, incredibly small pieces
- Asking a black person whether it is difficult
- Pointing out to a coworker who won't let you borrow her calendar that one can't spell "calendar" without "lend"
- MOST MISCHIEF
- Teaching a hobbit how to fire a pistol
- Engaging in a heated but civil debate about lairs
- Doing an impression of the "lost another loan to Ditech" guy
- Napping in a Buick
- Running a chain of dentistries from a Buick
- Composing a rap song for the municipal government about how to mount your bicycle on the rack on a city bus
- Folding a three-piece suit and putting it in a Sweeney Todd backpack
- Writing a Dear John letter with a bingo dauber
- Glancing at a person named Joey
This list is not exhaustive.
"I believe you when you say you think Silva should have put up a guard, but I am skeptical with regard to how strongly you believe it."
Well I do believe it, incredibly strongly.
"If you're so right, why doesn't everyone else agree with you?"
I tend to notice things other people don't. I see the pattern behind the madness. Most MMA fans watched last night's match and thought, "hey, look, two guys punching each other whom I have heard of before." I see a whole different ballgame, m'man. Wholllle different ballgame. I'm a strategist, you have to understand. Here's a little nugget for you: "you have to defend before you attack." That's straight out of The Art of War. It's Machievelli. Orwellian nightmare. 1984. The Matrix. Red pill? Blue pill? All just colors, m'man. All just colors.
"Well if Mary were putting up her arms to block punches all the time, she wouldn't have been able to hold the baby Jesus."
That is true.
"You were joking about the Mark Lemke thing."