A summary of outright lies you need to know about Jeff Tuel

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

Jeff Tuel has been named the Buffalo Bills' starting quarterback for Week 1. You have no idea who Jeff Tuel is. Let's catch you up.

1. "Tuel" is not pronounced as "tool." It is pronounced by dumping a wheelbarrow full of potatoes into a well.

2. Jeff Tuel's favorite team-building exercise, which he calls "bulk rage," is just him going to Costco by himself.

3. Jeff Tuel grew up in Middle Victoria, the little-discussed 51st state of the Union. It borders Nevada and Idaho, and its economy permits tuba-playing as currency.

4. Jeff Tuel does his laundry by boiling it. That is why he no longer wears plastic shirts.

5. Jeff Tuel can draw reasonably perfect circles. A Perfect Circle is a Tool spinoff band. Tool is unrelated to Tuel.

6. Jeff Tuel performed reasonably well on the Wonderlic, but the scoring machines had some difficulty grading it because he insisted on writing, "Well, wouldn't you know it:" in the margins above each answer.

7. At a few different points in your childhood, you briefly made friends with a kid whom you saw once in your life, and never again. On one occasion you met at a mutual friend's house; on another, at a junior high school he attended for one day before moving out of state. All of those kids were actually Jeff Tuel. No, really, they're standing on each other's shoulders beneath a giant trenchcoat.

8. There's one particular episode of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon in which Raphael, strangely and for no apparent reason, has a thick Brooklyn accent. Jeff Tuel pawned all his possessions to purchase the one surviving copy, and then he burned it.

9. Jeff Tuel is a remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable young man.

More from SB Nation NFL:

Play the No. 1 free fantasy football game

Keep track of NFL roster cuts as teams go from 90 to 75 players

Jon Bois: Some lies about Jeff Tuel, new Bills QB

NFL debrief: The freefalls begin for Jets, Raiders

Jets’ Mark Sanchez is out vs. Eagles

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.