The five baseball people you don't want to be stuck in an elevator with

Elsa

Scott Kazmir was stuck on an elevator for 1½ hours this week.

"I sat down, fetal position pretty much," said Kazmir. "I was just sitting in the corner rocking."

This isn't as amazing as the 2013 Indians making the playoffs because Scott Kazmir is pitching well for them. The elevator thing is a distant second when it comes to Kazmir-related anecdotes for the 2013 season.

But now we have an image of a baseball player stuck in an elevator. Which leads us to the obvious question: Who are the five baseball-related personalities you would least like to be stuck in an elevator with?

It was originally 10, but, man, did that get old. So five.

1. Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson: Black ops chuck norris horse_ebooks grumpy cat

You: /squeals and claps hands

Brian Wilson: Man, was Smurfette, like, the only female smurf? Here are several thoughts on that topic:

You: /giggles and hops in place

*one hour later*

Brian Wilson: I guess the first time I noticed I was being ignored … it was a 2nd/3rd-grade split class. They split the class down the middle. Saves money to have one teacher teach both, I guess.

You: …

Brian Wilson: And Ms. McGrath asked if anyone knew who invented the light bulb. And I knew. Oh, man, I knew, so I stuck my hand way up high. And she looked at me. One second. Two seconds. Then she called on Marcus. Why would she do that?

You: … maybe there's an emergency release on this have you looked for hidden levers maybe if you just BANG ON THE BUTTONS for a bit get me out get me out

Brian Wilson: Marcus ended up first chair for oboe in seventh grade. I was second. But I was better. I had better tone, better feel, better technique ...

2. Brian McCann

Brian McCann: I'll bet this elevator has a single-bottom jack.

You: I don't …

Brian McCann: Single-bottom jacks and double-bottom jacks contain hydraulic oil. It's an EPA violation for that oil to leak, and it's expensive as hell to clean up. Of course, the age of the single-bottom jacks makes it more likely to leak. That's why operators were required to upgrade in 2004.

You: …

McCann: But even before the code was in place, everyone knew that it needed to be upgraded. Everyone was doing it on their own. It was implied. You did it because you were responsible.

You: …

McCann: I'll bet these sons of bitches didn't even get an estimate. They just ignored the code. Dammit, that makes me so angry …

You: …

McCann: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS.

McCann: /punches wall

3. Jim Leyland

Jim Leyland: /takes off shoes

Jim Leyland: Oh, my dogs are barking. Woof woof.

You: …

Jim Leyland: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You: …

Jim Leyland: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You: I …

Jim Leyland: /puts 20 cigarettes in mouth at once

Jim Leyland: You don't mind, right? Because we're all going to die.

Jim Leyland: Oh, my dogs.

Jim Leyland: /rubs feet

4. Bronson Arroyo

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: Hope they get here soon.

You: Ha, ha, yeah.

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: …

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: Where you going for 'til tomorrow?

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: Where you goin' with the mask I found?

You: …

Bronson Arroyo: And I feel, and I feel, when the dogs begin to smell her!

You: /fashions noose out of cardigan

Bronson Arroyo: WILL SHE STAND ALOOONNNNOOOHHHNNNNE?

5. A.J. Pierzynski

A.J. Pierzynski: And here you are, trapped in an elevator with me, fighting the urge to punch me.

You: …

A.J. Pierzynski: Didn't count on me being 6'3, 235. How many people do you know in real life who are this big? Not that many. If anyone. I might be one of the biggest people you've been this close to.

You: …

A.J. Pierzynski: Where'd my chin go? I don't know. You don't know. But for some reason, it makes you want to punch me even more.

You: /bites knuckles, turns away

A.J. Pierzynski: I'm going to stand over here, angle my face toward you, and loudly recount my most memorable sexual experiences. Stop me at any time. However you see fit. No, please. I insist.

You: /sulks in corner

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