1. There are more than 20 different breeds of dogs at this year's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, divided among seven different groups: the terrier group, the herding group, the sporting group, the non-sporting group, the working group, the unemployed group, and purse rats.
2. If your dog has trouble making friends at the dog park, try giving him sunglasses. Ha ha, now he's cool!
3. Your Australian Cattle Dog is not smarter than my honors student. That's just an ignorant thing to put on your car.
4. Italian Greyhounds are just weird spiders.
5. The closure of Blockbuster storefronts set an all-time high in dog unemployment.
6. The average person will swallow nine dogs in their sleep over the course of their life.
7. Neopolitan Mastiffs are made entirely of recycled tires.
8. Spuds McKenzie was actually a female dog, and an alcoholic.
9. There are more than four dozen colleges with the "Bulldog" as a mascot, but we really only hate Butler.
10. A seal participated in the working group at Westminster in 1987 and no one said a thing.
11. The Basenji is one of the oldest breeds, which is why it is hopelessly addicted to gambling on chariot racing.
12. Bulldogs walk on a perpetually self-refueling cloud of joint-cushioning fart gas.
13. The Golden Retrievers competing at Westminster are normal dogs just like the one in your home, just like Scarlett Johansson and your 8th grade English teacher are both women.
14. Dogs enjoy wearing sweaters, but what they really crave are pants and e-cigarettes.
15. Want to see a magic trick? Place dog food, a dog treat, or other food product made for dogs on the ground. If there is a dog there, the dog will eat it.
16. Dogs are more loyal than babies and shit less often.
17. Scientists believe the first domesticated dogs were wolves that developed a symbiotic relationship with nomadic humans approximately 50,000 years ago. So the answer is "50,000 years. It takes 50,000 years to turn wolves into shivering puntable super-gerbils."
18. Basset hounds are made of tears.
19. My neighbor Josh had a dog.
20. Most of the people who enter their dog in a canine eugenics competition have had sex with another human. 
21. Some dogs can swim, and there's no way to know unless you just toss 'em in. R.I.P. Sparky.
22. It is illegal to marry your dog in every state but Wyoming.
23. Bob Dylan has been portrayed by a sheep dog with a sinus infection since 1983.
24. Most Great Danes are illiterate.
25. Before the cat lobby interfered, Disney's The Incredible Journey was originally a much better movie about two dogs.
26. Corgis are over, man.
27. Poodles blow.
Bill Hanstock, Spencer Hall, and Jon Bois contributed to this list.