Westminster dog rankings, 2014: Another tough year for Spaniels

They're dogs, and thus all wonderful by definition. Still, if Westminster gets the chance to rank them, then so do we, using the same criteria they use: our own irrational personal biases.

1. Great Dane. THE KING. Come at them if you dare. (Bring food, they'll pretty much do anything for food or love.)

2. Irish Wolfhound

3. Australian Cattle Dog. Been running the Aussie government efficiently for over one hundred years.

4. Newfoundland. Webbed feet, warm hearts, AND known to abduct random swimmers and tow them back to shore against their will? Sold.

5. Belgian Malinois. Your pilot has had a heart attack. The plane is crashing. And now it isn't. The door to the cockpit opens: a paw gently throttles down into a cruising speed, and a pair of bright, calm eyes stares back at you. You never saw this, human, it says without moving its lips. You agree. You were worried, but the Malinois had it the whole time.

6. Boxer. HEY HEY HEY WHATTA WE DOIN' LOOK THERE'S YOUR FACE I LICKED IT THERE'S YOUR FACE I LICKED IT THERE'S YOUR FACE I LICKED IT

7. Belgian Tervuren. Like a Malinois, but with a wicked sense of humor. (Will not fly plane.)

8. Bull Terrier

9. German Shepherd

10. Spinone Italiano. You have to like a dog that looks like an alpine vagrant

11. Australian Terrier

12. Leonberger

13. Plott Hound. Looks like it slept under a car leaking oil, so it really IS the state dog of North Carolina.

14. Samoyed

15. Staffordshire Terrier. O.G. Staff-dog gets first ups.

16. American Staffordshire Terrier. Listen, this is a great dog but it's just a Crate and Barrel pit bull. Other than that, no complaints.

17. Australian Shepherd

18. Bullmastiff

19. Pug. A solid-ass dog for something ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a corpse wagon.

20. Doberman

21. German Pinscher. Just a Doberman duplicate everyone's too polite to correct.

22. Great Pyrenees

23. Scottish Terrier. So cute and deformed it almost makes you forget that they live just for the possibility that they will one day get to die in paw-to-paw combat with a badger.

24. Airedale Terrier. Has its own legwarmers.

25. Lakeland Terrier. An Airedale with good extensions. Stop lying, dog breeders.

26. Siberian Husky

27. Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. A lot like the Bernese, but the Swiss don't use comparative adjectives like they're nothing.

28. Bernese Mountain Dog

29. Standard Poodle

30. French Bulldog

31. Bulldog. Farty and lovable and naked, just like dad on most nights.

32. Welsh Terrier. Another Airedale. Stop this, dog breed charlatans.

33. Greyhound

34. Norwegian Lundehund. Has six toes, and that's like free bonus dog for your dog-buying dollar.

35. Otterhound. Has webbed feet. That's cool.

36. Border Collie

37. Black and Tan Coonhound

38. American English Coonhound

39. Finnish Lapphund

40. Belgian Sheepdog

41. West Highland Terrier. Little tiny combat marshmallow of a dog.

42. Viszla

43. Alaskan Malamute

44. Golden Retriever. Beautiful dogs who would drown in a stiff mist if allowed.

45. Entlebucher Mountain Dog. The feral-ish, utility Swiss Mountain Dog.

46. Norwich Terrier. A tiny little asskicking dog.

47. Cairn Terrier. Another little tiny adorable asskicking dog.

48. Norfolk Terrier. Yet still another tiny adorable asskicking dog.

49. Icelandic Sheepdog. Is weatherproof and friendly, like most people from Iceland.

50. Portuguese Water Dog

51. Bouvier des Flandres. Known as "The Milk-Cart Dog," because it is actually a furry miniature Yak.

52. Chinook

53. Ibizan Hound

54. Dogue du Bordeaux. HOOOOOOCH.

55. Old English Sheepdog

56. Cardigan Welsh Corgi. Yes it's adorable but if it were a human and it lost its job it would be the one you would unfollow on Facebook for manically posting fifty times a day about personal growth. NEEDS A JOB.

57. Pembroke Welsh Corgi

58. Bichons Frise. Deeply underrated little dog.

59. Portuguese Podego Pequeno. I don't even know what this is (it's new for 2014) but that name is awesome. A great dog sight unseen.

60. Xoloitzcuintli. Weird Mexican hairless dog. The big one that looks like it's wearing a sheeny wetsuit over its whole body.

61. Mastiff. Great if it recognizes your existence; not if it doesn't.

62. Neopolitan Mastiff. See: "mastiff."

63. Bedlington Terrier

64. Briard. The official dog of the French Army, so wait where did he go.

65. Bearded Collie. Has a beard, is thus superior to normal Collie.

66. Collie

67. Borzoi

68. Giant Schnauzer. Cool dog, but rekindles my desire for a Giant Dachshund all over again.

69. Fox Terrier

70. Rat Terrier. Honestly, might just be a short Fox Terrier for all I know.

71. Bloodhound. Might be a wonderful part of your household, and might just be an animal that eats and sleeps at your house. Drooooooooool.

72. Dandie Dinmont Terrier

73. Afghan Hound

74. Beauceron

75. Sealyham Terrier. A great dog and a fantastic name for a horrible and successful young Brooklyn novelist.

76. Bluetick Hound

77. Cane Corso. What a pit bull has nightmares about.

78. Manchester Terrier. Just an economy-sized Doberman, really.

79. Wirehaired Pointing Griffon

80. Finnish Spitz. Just for the name.

81. Puli. The animated rastafarian wig of a dog. Look at it and try to think about having time to do anything but groom it, ever.

82. Boston Terrier. Not really of this earth and possibly alien probes in dog form sent to scout us out.

83. American Eskimo Dog

84. Yorkshire Terrier. I sat on one once on accident and it lived, so durability is unquestioned.

85. Miniature Bull Terrier. Just an economy-sized Bull Terrier.

86. Keeshond

87. Lowchen

88. Canaan Dog

89. Skye Terrier

90. Tibetan Mastiff. Not really a dog but they're still cool. (Is really a very mean man in a dog suit.)

91. Schnauzer. They're fine.

92. Shiba Inu. Just get a cat. Same thing.

93. Norwegian Buhund. A Viking's Shiba Inu.

94. Anatolian Shepherd Dog. Is constantly wondering whether you might be a double agent for the wolves.

95. Kerry Blue Terrier. Has its own mustache, must be alright.

96. Basenji. Chill dog, weird tail, no problems with that.

97. Norwegian Elkhound

98. Basset Hound. Adorable, and will make your house smell like you just skinned five river otters in the kitchen.

99. Schipperke

100. Polish Lowland Sheepdog. Can't hear you. Is listening for thieves.

101. Komondor

102. Pyrenean Shepherd

103. Border Terrier

104. Pomeranian. Is it a little dog... or are you SUDDENLY HUGE?

105. St. Bernard

106. Brussels Griffon

107. Swedish Vallhund

108. Black Russian Terrier. Godlike dog. Not the benevolent kind of god, either.

109. Shetland Sheepdog

110. Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier. A decent dog if you're into the silent bigotry against the gluten-intolerant, I guess.

111. Parson Russell Terrier

112. Kuvasz

113. Pekingese. They're okay.

114. Akita. Terrifying and silent, just how I like my watchdogs and undertakers.

115. Pharaoh Hound

116. Japanese Chin. Chill dogs for being so little and crushable.

117. Dachshund. Every one is either a loving companion or a serial killer and you never know which one you'll get.

118. Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen. This is America and we don't care how many accents or names you have. You're gonna have to prove it on the field, buddy.

119. Chinese Shar-Pei. Eh.

120. Harrier

121. Dalmatian

122. Tibetan Terrier

123. Irish Terrier

124. Italian Greyhound

125. Maltese. Not bad.

126. English Foxhound

127. Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. THE QUEEN'S COMING!

128. Cesky Terrier

129. Papillon

130. Gordon Setter. Setters and spaniels score low here because they don't understand things like "fire burns" and "don't jump off that deck because gravity is not your friend."

131. Silky Terrier

132. English Setter

133. American Foxhound

134. German Wirehaired Pointer

135. Chow Chow. The grim existentialist's companion dog of choice, if that's you.

136 Chihuahua. They're fine, I just worry about losing them. Like, literally losing them somewhere in my house.

137. Chinese Crested. Would also lose in house.

138. English Toy Spaniel. Lost in house with others.

139. Havanese. Lost in house in Spanish.

140. Toy Fox Terrier. Lost in house while pursuing vermin.

141. Glen of Imaal Terrier

142. German Shorthaired Pointer

143. Curly-Coated Retriever

144. Weimaraner. "WAIT GUYS. IS SOMETHING WRONG?  I BET SOMETHING'S WRONG. EVERYTHING'S WRONG! AHHH I'M A WEIMARANER AND EVERYTHING'S WROOOOOOOOONG."

145. Miniature Schnauzer. I'd pet one, sure.

146. Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever

147. Shih Tzu

148. Manchester Terrier

149. Flat-Coated Retriever

150. Affenpinscher. A good dog for your elderly great-aunt to take in her purse as companionship and concealed weapon.

151. Welsh Springer Spaniel

152. Labrador Retriever. I love them dearly but they will eat rocks and wonder why you are yelling at them, and why their stomach feels like they swallowed a bunch of gravel. "The Big Bang Theory" of dog breeds.

153. Lhasa Apso

154. Beagle. The Kennedys of the dog world: beautiful, not real bright, and usually die in spectacular fashion. If a dog dies being sucked into a jet engine? It was a beagle, and it thought it was a good idea.

155. Sussex Spaniel

156. Tibetan Spaniels

157. Field Spaniel

158. Irish Water Spaniel

159. American Water Spaniel

160. Miniature Pinscher. Can take the finger off a fat-fingered blacksmith in nanoseconds.

161. English Springer Spaniel

162. Brittany

163. Toy Poodle

164. Miniature Poodle.

165. Boykin Spaniel

166. Clumber Spaniel

167. Irish Setter

168. Irish Red and White Setter

169. English Cocker Spaniel

170. Rottweiler. Got attacked by one once and I hold grudges.

171. Cocker Spaniel. Never liked them and never will. Still better than any cat, though.

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